Insanity
by Dark Eco Angel
Summary: EDITED! First uploaded 2007-present. I know... 37 chapters, gone. But they're coming back as fast as I can edit them! This is where to go for all your randomness needs. Sometimes it's hilarious and sometimes it's pointless. Rocky start, but I got better.
1. A Bar Full of Drunks

**EDITED! JESUS! Didn't think I'd do it, did you?  
Greetings new readers and old readers, you may have noticed by now that all my stories are going through a massive re-write. For new readers I'll inform you that this was first published here ****04-19-07 and I have been writing it to this very day.  
****See, since I first started writing I've become a bit of a grammar Nazi and less young and stupid. I mean – this started back when I was about 14... now I'll be 18 in a couple of days. It was either edit it or leave it deleted... and I couldn't bear to delete it.  
I've left this first chapter basically the same for the sake of the cuteness of my first ever post on this site. **

**Jak: Does this mean you'll get rid of everything that's happened between Erol and me in these chapters?**

**Are you kidding? This means when I get up to writing whole new chapters it'll be worse :]**

**((LINE))**

**A Bar Full of Drunks**

It was an almost normal night at the Naughty Ottsel, most of the well known characters were drunk and the plot holes were at a high.

Jak was drunkenly chasing Daxter around the room because he had stolen his morph gun, but was getting nowhere because he kept falling over.

Tess was playing the Pooh bear theme song really loudly on a juke box.

Praxis and Damas **(A/N: even though they hate each other and are supposed to be dead) **were singing Brittany Spears songs really loudly with a karaoke machine.

Erol **(A/N: yep, another one that's meant to be dead) **was wearing nothing but a pair of bright orange boxers that matched his hair and almost-knee-length, shiny, purple boots and was dancing randomly around the room.

Kleiver and Sig** (A/N: do they even know each other?)** were slurring out a song as they danced some random form of boot scooting.

Seem and Onin **(A/N: again, I don't think they know each other) **, with a drunken Pecker translating were discussing foot rot.

A bunch of precursor monks, led by Brutter were, you guessed it, drunk. They had their arms linked and kept can canning past the door as they made their way around the port, until Jinx blew them up.

Vegar, Krew **(A/N:even though he's dead)** and Rayn were in a corner as well, Krew took up the whole corner, not drunk and discussing world domination.

Samos walked in the door, already drunk and screamed "I LOVE THIS SONG!" and sat with Tess **(A/N: who wasn't drunk by the way) **to listen to the Pooh song.

Razor was on a pretend phone, apparently having a drunken conversation with Santa Clause.

Ashelin and Keira were drunkenly towel snapping a cowering and sober Vin,who somehow had his body back.

Edge, Cutter, Shiv, UR 86 and Mizo **(A/N:shock horror! another one that's meant to be dead!)** were drunkenly debating on how best to kill Razor because that would be easier than wondering what his accent was every time he spoke.

Mog and Grim **(A/N: From that mission in JakII where you have to escort said two and Jinx down the sewers so they can blow up the statue of Mar) **were getting chased by some random metelheads, KG bots, a crocodog and lurkers because they were bored and not very bright.

Metal Kor **(A/N: back from the dead) **was flying around drunkenly and crashing into random buildings while civilians from both haven and spargus ran around because that's what they do best **(A/N:have you ever noticed that all the civilians ever do is walk around aimlessly? must all be insomniacs...)**

Back in Sandover all the characters from the first game, including the flut Flut and the muse, were doing the same things but the author was too lazy to write it in detail.

**Finished! Well chapter one anyway.**

**Please review, but this is my first fic after reading them for 2 years so please be nice. tell me if I missed a character, cause I feel like adding them all in, don't worry, Torn's in the next chapter which is where the story will get better :) also I just realised that I missed the precursors so I'll have to add them in some where...**

**((LINE)) **

**EDIT: Looks like I was always a review whore... good feedback will make me edit and re-post faster!**


	2. Torn Snaps

**EDITED. Hahaha again, check out the cuteness that is Insanity in its early stage. I didn't change much, just cleaned up the spelling and grammar. **

**((LINE))**

**Torn Snaps**

Torn sat, unusually sober, on a stool and watched the madness of the previous chapter unfold, he wasn't even sure of why he was sober but part of the reason could have been because he still had a hangover from the night before...

Suddenly Daxter put Jak's morph gun into blaster mode and shot poor Torn in the arse.

Torn snapped.

No one knew the exact reason for this but it was definitely either the pain in his backside, the sight of Erol or the Pooh song, or a combination of everything.

Torn ran from the bar, screaming like a little girl, not that anybody took any notice. When Torn came back it turned out that he had gone to the old hideout and made a paper hat out of the map he was always looking at in JakII, which he was now wearing, along with a pair of red sunglasses with love heart shaped lenses.

He let out a war cry, which sounded a lot like Tarzan , and ran around the room a few times, knocking every one over as he did so.

Mean while somewhere in the core of the planet, Ottsel Leader, Ottsel Surfer and Ottsel Dummy were also a bit tipsy. "Hey! How long has it been since we changed somethin' in the university?" An unusually drunken Ottsel Leader asked the other two drunken precursors. "You mean the universe, dude?" asked Ottsel Surfer.

"Whatever, Dummy, why don't you do something?, you haven't done nothin' since you somehow managed to swap the letters in the names of all the people in the universe!

...:::::FLASHBACK:::::...

Leira: Hey, you stole my K!

Ashekin: No, you took my L!

Dak: Anyone seen my J?

Taxter: Dak!, give me back my D!

Tors: Wheres Tens? she's late!

...:::::END FLASHBACK:::::...

The precursors thought about this flashback and were suddenly sober, "Hmmm, maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea after all" claimed Ottsel leader, "We never did work out how you did that did we? No..." he continued. They decided that Ottsel Dummy wasn't allowed to make changes anymore, but he did.

Back at the Naughty Ottsel, Jinx blew up Rayn, Mizo, Razor, Shiv, Edge and Cutter for no reason at all, beside the fact that he is a pyro maniac and likes to blow things up.

"Does anyone else feel like singing?" Keira suddenly asked, as everyone suddenly snapped out of their drunken state."Yeah" they all said in unison, besides Onin, she waved her hands about. Suddenly they all started to sing their secret favourite songs:

Ashelin: _Hey! Hey! You! You!_  
_I don't like you girlfriend_  
_No way! No way!_  
_I think you need a new one_  
_Hey! Hey! You! You!_  
_I could be you girlfriend_  
_Hey! Hey! You! You!_  
_I know that that you like me_  
_No way! No way!_  
_No, it's not a secret_  
_Hey! Hey You! You!_  
_I want to be your girlfriend_

Daxter: _I see you creeping; I can see it from my shadow_  
_Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo?_  
_Maybe go to my place and just kick it like TeaBo_  
_And possibly bend you over, look back and watch me_  
_Smack that all on the floor _  
_Smack that give me some more_  
_Smack that 'till you get sore_  
_Smack that oh-oooh!_

Torn: _Oops! I did it again_  
_I played with your heart, got lost in the game_  
_Oh baby, baby_  
_Oops... You think I'm in love_  
_That I'm sent from above_  
_I'm not that innocent_

Tess: _I'm Barnaby the busy buzzy bee!_  
_And I buzz around as happy as can be!_  
_I live in a funny home,_  
_Called a honey comb!_  
_I'm B B B B Barnaby the busy buzzy bee!_  
_Some children say that I'm a funny buzzy bee!_  
_And some children say that I'm a silly buzzy bee!_  
_But when I buzz around the garden, happy as can be_  
_I'm B B B B Barnaby the busy busy buzzy bee!_  
_I love collecting nectar from the flowers all around_  
_I love doing dances when I stomp around the ground!_  
_You can hear me in the garden if you sit without a sound_  
_I'm B B B B Barnany the busy buzzy bee!_  
_Bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz_  
_Bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz!_

Keira_: Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back  
Porno Paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl  
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back  
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl_  
_Disease's growing, it's epidemic  
I'm scared that there ain't a cure  
The world believes it and I'm going crazy  
I cannot take any more  
I'm so glad that I'll never fit in  
That will never be me  
Outcasts and girls with ambition  
That's what I wanna see  
Disasters all around  
World despaired  
Your only concern  
Will it fuck up my hair?_

Seem: _Oh baby when you talk like that  
You make a woman go mad  
So be wise and keep on  
Reading the signs of my body_  
_And I'm on tonight  
You know my hips don't lie  
And I'm starting to feel it's right  
All the attraction, the tension  
Don't you see baby, this is perfection_

The night when on like this, every one sang a song because of Ottsel Dummy, until the next day when things will go back to _"normal."_

**So what do you think?, I know its crap now, but I swear it will get better in next chapter, no wait I've said that before but this time, I mean it, so please just READ & REVEIW! **


	3. Erol Shows His True Colours

**EDITED! Again, I hadn't really gotten overly funny here, but it's all part of the history I guess. So far I've left all author's notes as they are, but I may get rid of some or change some in the slightly later chapters.**

**((LINE))**

**Erol Shows His True Colours**

The day after the crazy night at The Naughty Ottsel, things went back to normal, apart from one tiny little thing...

Everyone was sitting around at Daxter's bar trying to get rid of their hangovers with a bunch of home remedies that Tess was giving them. Well, almost every one.

The door opened and in walked a woman; she was wearing a red dress and black high heels. She also had a black veil over her face and shoulder length red hair.

The whole room just stared at her, "who's the ugly old dame?" Daxter quietly asked Jak. "Aww, Daxxie, she's probably nothing to worry about" Tess answered him and began to scratch him behind his ears. But she was wrong, so very wrong.

Jak and Torn were suspicious of this mysterious woman so Jak went over with his much loved morph gun and asked her to reveal her face, she was hesitant but removed the veil as soon as Jak flashed his gun threateningly.

It was Erol, _the _Erol, The trigger happy, KG commander with a thing for our favourite mechanic. Erol.

Erol

He had a lot of make-up on but those who knew him could clearly see that it was in fact Erol, EROL, Erol, and now that the author is happy that she has written Erol eight times, she will get over it and move on. Erol. I was only joking. Haha.

ANYWAY!  
"But, aren't you Erol, the trigger happy, KG commander with a thing for Jak's girlfriend?" Torn asked, stating the obvious.  
"No" Lied Erol, the trigger happy KG commander with a thing for Keira, in a girlish voice. "Yes, you are!" said Daxter, unable to hide the look of triumph on his face, "My gaydar's been goin' off since day one with this guy!" Daxter continued to ramble on as Jak took Erol, the trigger happy, KG commander with a thing for Miss Hagai's wig off to reveal his orange hair.

"Oh, would you look at that, hehe, it is me," said Erol, the trigger happy KG commander with a thing for Samos' daughter. Everyone in the room gaped at him, apart from Jak, he gaped at Erol's closely shaven legs. "Umm... yeah... hi" said Erol the trigger happy KG commander with a thing for an aqua haired girl.

Daxter began to hyperventilate in the background as everyone continued to stare at Erol.

"Is it hot in here or is it just me? Asked Erol.

Everyone continued to stare at him.

"Finally, a new shopping buddy!" Tess said, being the first to recover

"Really? I could be one of the girls?" asked Erol, his eyes suddenly lighting up.

"Not so fast she man!" Torn said, "What the hell is going on here? You're the guy who tortured Dark Boy here, you're evil!"

"Well, not even the baron knew what I was like away from work!, That whole Keira thing was just an act, so I could torture the eco freak, it was also a good cover up" explained Erol, the trigger happy, KG commander without a thing for the inventor of the zoomer.

Eventually everyone got over it and Erol went shopping with Tess, Keira and Ashelin. Erol was just as enthusiastic as Tess, "Ooooh! I have to get this, I look so pretty!" he stated

"Holy yakkow, you're right!" agreed Tess, so Erol bought the leopard print mankini.

Suddenly, Ashelin began to choke on her own tongue because the author doesn't like her, and just likes to torture her. Ashelin hit the floor and died. So she was dead, no more, finished, gone. YAY!

"Hey, so Erol what do think of my new top?" Ashelin asked Erol. Damn, she's back.

About an hour later, Tess and Erol were about to fall over from the weight of their shopping, Keira and Ashelin had about four bags each.

"Can we ditch the bitch?" Keira quietly asked Tess who nodded and told Erol what they were going to do, he nodded eagerly. So they ditched Ashelin who decided to get wasted before she went home.

Another hour later the three friends were about to go home when Ashelin ran past them, drunk out of her mind, and yelling: "I am haemorrhoid woman, feel my wrath!"

**Chapter three done!**

**I love to pick on Erol, it's so fun, and I hate Ashelin because in Jak 3 she practically stole Jak from Keira when she really should be with Torn, but it all righted itself in Jak X so that made me happy!**

**Answers to reviews:**

**Silver Horror: You're my first reviewer ever! HI!, you're the best! **

**rae: YAY! I Rock! Thanks! You're my second reviewer, you rock too!**


	4. Fan Girls & Hypnotising

**EDITED! I still hadn't quite found the magic yet with this one but I'm fairly certain that came very soon. I took out a couple of things, but nothing anyone will miss. This is late but... Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! I know I plan to continue being awesome. **

**((LINE))**

**Fan Girls & Hypnotising**

Daxter was relaxing in his pool of chocolate, slightly minty, thinking about the gay penguins of Ecuador. He was feeling very disappointed that he didn't have a big harem of women and even more disappointed at what he did have: a harem of Fan Girls. That's right, in capitals! For now he had managed to lure them into a giant cage with little Daxter plushies, but he wasn't sure how long the lock would hold, the Fan Girls were picking at it with bobby pins.

Daxter sighed; he wished his castle had a separate level to keep the Fan Girls, with a big arse lock to keep them there since every time he tried to get rid of them he was trampled by high heels.

Suddenly Torn came in via the window. "You could use the door like a normal person!" screeched Daxter.

"Howdy!" Torn greeted him. Daxter rolled his eyes and gave Torn a questioning look. "Ashelin told me I should be friendlier in my greetings" he explained. "Don't say that again, it's weird. What do you want?" asked the little ottsel. "I don't remember, I'll go now" said Torn and he jumped out the window, "WHEEE!"

SPLAT!

"I'm ok!'

Mean while at the naughty ottsel, Keira had managed to hypnotise Erol. "Now Erol, tell us a deep dark secret that no one knows about you" instructed Keira.  
Erol began to talk in his trance: "For two dollars and a gonad, a blind old soothsayer told me that ten seconds after I leave this earthly plain Asselin (A/N: pronounced ass-lin) Praxis's head will explode for no apparent reason except to excite the gay moncaws of Spargus" said Erol.

"Why did you say Asselin instead of Ashelin?" questioned Keira.

"Baron Praxis was drunk when he named his daughter so she changed it when she got older," said Erol in an almost bored voice.

Tess, who the readers had no idea was sitting there watching, giggled, "what underwear are you wearing today?" She asked.

"Hot pink boxers with little love hearts and Jak heads all over them" said Erol obediently. Tess giggled along with a slightly shocked Keira.

Suddenly Torn entered. "Hurrow!"

"What are you, some sort of fake asian?" Keira asked him. Torn, who the author will explain his out of charicterness with hypnosis by Ashelin/Asselin, jumped out of the nonexistent window so he crashed into the wall and began to run aimlessly around the room screaming like a little girl.

Tess and Keira laughed and then they turned to Erol, "So how did the gay thing come about?" asked Tess.  
"Whoa! Wait, I have a more important question!" interrupted Keira, who blushed. "Where did you get your boxers from?" she demanded.  
"I had them specially made after I lost the street race with Jak, when I said 'next time we race for keeps and your head will be my trophy' it was my way of hinting that I think he's hot and was going to have boxer shorts made with his head on them."

Keira and Tess were slightly disturbed, but giggled anyway. "So how did you become gay?" questioned Tess impatiently. Erol opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted when Torn started singing Hips Don't Lie by Shakira and amazed Tess and Keira with his professional belly dancing. Then Tess and Keira took Torn shopping and took pictures of him trying on tube tops and G strings and giant lacy bras.

**((LINE))**

**Ok, so there's the fourth chapter. I know it took awhile and its probably not that good but...**

**PLEASE REVEIW!**

**Thankyou**


	5. Jak's Random Day

**EDITED! I replaced a few things here. I think it started to get good when we entered Ms Clark's office.  
Here's a fun fact for you... Ms Clark was brought into it when I was in year 9 and the real life Ms Clark, a school councillor, was pissing me off by pulling me out of class all the time to test my general skills because I wasn't too good with maths. Her tests were so easy I felt stupid for having to do them and she was always so nice it seemed fake... guess I took my loathing for her out here. I still use her in later chapters despite year 9 being a long time ago, now it's just that she's part of what makes this story what it is. **

**((LINE))**

**Ok, I never do these things but anyway,**

**Disclaimer: I Own Nothing! Don't Sue Me!**

**Jak's Random Day**

Jak awoke to the sound of silence.

He dragged himself out of bed and got dressed into fluoro pink underwear with matching singlet and his usual attire.

He shot himself in the foot for good luck since he's the hero and can't die.

He went down stairs to find Daxter playing "The SIMS", 'Oh no! Erol's just caught you cheatin'' on him with Torn!' He exclaimed as he proceeded to kick the PS2 for letting Erol come home from work too soon.

Jak looked out the window and a middle aged, balding man walked past with a slice of cheese on his head 'I wear the cheese; the cheese does not wear me.' He explained to no one in particular.

He looked over at Daxter who was presently meditating to calm himself down.

All of a sudden Torn came in through the open door, 'hey!' He greeted.  
'Hey' said Jak, thinking of what Daxter had made him do on "The SIMS".  
'Ashelin wanted me to ask you when you were going to go see the psychiatrist that she contacted for you after Keira told you about what Erol said about his boxer shorts? She says it was really wrong of Keira to just go and mentally disturb you like that.'  
"Yeah, well, you tell her to leave Keira alone, and you tell that evil hell bitch where to go from me, ok? And you can also tell her that I will be going as soon as I'm ready to talk about... that,' said Jak  
'Okey dokie!' said Torn happily and he ran from the room screaming out Jak's message over and over again for the whole city to hear.

Jak looked back over at Daxter and said ' With all these homo-sexuals, gays, fags and poofs around I should be scared for my life!' To which Daxter replied 'fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to SUFFERING' just to be helpful.

Jak took a nap and had a dream:

...::::::DREAM::::::...

Jak was walking through the wasteland; an unknown metal head was just visible in the distance. He loaded his gun and began to run; the metal head ran towards him.

Before Jak could do anything the metal head exploded into what appeared to be a giant mass of pink flab and began to roll down a hill towards him. Quick thinking Jak thought quickly. He came up the conclusion that he could not die as this was just a dream.

Jak came to an abrupt halt and found himself engulfed by the unidentifiable, fleshy... something. Inside the flabby mass he found a dance floor and a disco ball and flashing lights. 'EVERY BODY DANCE NOW!' yelled the tattooed wonder as he indeed, began to dance.

'Come and dance with me!' begged Erol at Jak's feet and Jak was suddenly in a sort of tango with Erol, who was wearing Ashelin's clothes, the top stuffed with two water melons.

The dream began to change and Jak found himself tied up in a chair. He looked around and saw Tess with a HUGE sound system and he could suddenly hear the voice of Barny the Purple Dinosaur singing, 'I love you, you love me...'as the song played, Tess, Samos, Torn, Erol, Keira, Ashelin, Vin, Onin, Pecker, Kleiver, Damas, Sig and Daxter all joined hands and sang along.

...::::::END DREAM::::::...

Jak woke up to find that Daxter really was singing the Barny song, this disturbed him into going to see the shrink, whose name was Ms Clark and she worked on the top floor of a 99999999999999999 story building.

'Hello Jak, come in and sit down and let's talk about what's troubling you before I put you through a few easy tests that will help me to determine what needs to be done' said Ms Clark in a sickeningly nice, calm and polite voice. Jak sat down and began to stuff his face with the brownies that were sitting on the neat little desk.

Ms Clark smiled a fake knowing smile. 'So Jak, tell me what has been on your mind lately, I think that should be a nice, suitable place to start' said Ms Clark. 'Well... I...I think that Erol is stalking me' said Jak as Erol himself walked past the window on stilts, looking in at him. Ms Clark didn't see this as the window was behind her and her desk.

She smiled sweetly and said 'Nonsense dear, of course Erol is not stalking you, that is all in your paranoid little mind' as Erol fiddled with his unnecessary binoculars in the window frame.

'Now, I want you to tell me the truth this time, what has been on your tiny little mind?" demanded Ms Clark, her voice dripping with sugar-coated honey. 'I'm serious! Erol is in that window right now eating a krispy kreme, stalking me!' yelled Jak, pointing at the window. Erol swallowed the rest of his krispy kreme and pulled out a digital camera.

'Erol is NOT stalking you! That is a lie, young Jak and I am afraid that this lying is a terrible habit!'Ms Clark said, her voice slightly rose but wasstill polite and sweet. Behind her Erol put his camera is his pocket and pulled out a video camera with extra zoom and an extra large sized coke.

'I'm tellin' ya miss! It's true and if you were to look behind you right now you would see that I'm not crazy!' yelled Jak but then the "magic" brownies kicked in and he felt strangely relaxed. He felt so relaxed in fact that he started to smile and he caught Erol's eye, who was so happy at this that he fell from his stilts down 99999999999999999 floors but his fall was broken by his padded boxer shorts which had the disturbing text:

_**I think that dark eco freaks with a light side and an annoying ottsel on their shoulder, blonde/green hair, green goatee, blue eyes, blue tunic, immense strength and good gun skills are soooooo sexy that I could die a thousand deaths and feel no pain what-so-ever unless mentioned dark eco freak with a light side and an annoying ottsel on his shoulder, blonde/green hair, green goatee, blue eyes, blue tunic, immense strength and good gun skills were to physically rip my heart out, piss on it, burn it , stab it then replaced it back in my chest and told me he hated me for having these boxer shorts custom made and then marriws a WOMAN over my overpowering sexiness.**_

Jak skipped home that night, he couldn't wait for the next session with Ms Clark and her Special-Forget-Every-Single-Little-Thing-About-The-Meeting-Exept-The-Brownies Brownies.

As Jak skipped on his merry little way home he saw Onin and Vin seemingly on a date as Onin was attempting to kiss Vin, 'ah, Onin, whatcha doin' there? Oh, Hi Jak, heheh, we were just ah...' Vin trailed of then whispered in Jak's ear: 'help me! She forced me here with her freaky mind powers!'

'Sorry Vin! I gotta go find Erol while I'm still in this strange mood that came when I ate those Special-Forget-Every-Single-Little-Thing-About-The-Meeting-Exept-The-Brownies Brownies and I just gotta find Erol really bad! Wait? What meeting am I talkin' about? Oh well, what was I doin' again... oh yeah!'

So Jakkie boy skipped into his own doom.

When he reached Erol's door and knocked, he suddenly snapped out of it and realised...

'OH MY GOD! WHAT AM I DOING?' He dropped the stuffed muse and chocolates on the front door step and ran to his house so fast that you would think that his life depended on it.

Erol opened his door wearing a red towel and a fruit hat with a maraca in each hand. 'Hello? What's this?' he said as he picked up the stuffed muse and the chocolates. 'ulmp' was the sound of Erol swallowing the chocolate box whole. He then placed the muse around his shoulders and read the love note:

_Dearest Erol,_

_I was touched at the intenseness of your penetrating gaze as you looked at me today._

_I would love to get to know you better and in time I bet I will,_

_Starting with as soon as possible._

_Roses are red,_

_Violets are blue,_

_Sugar is sweet,_

_And so are you,_

_I like fish,_

_And I suck at rhyming,_

_Because I love war,_

_As much as I love you,_

_Poems are sucky,_

_But I do not care,_

_Because it is my love,_

_That with you I wish to share._

_Love Jakkie_

_XOXOXOXO_

Erol was so happy that he began to dance a happy dance out in the middle of the street so that some of his old victims of torture began to take photos to use as blackmail and revenge.

At Jak's house, Jak was telling Daxter about his close call with "death" while Daxter spun silk cufflinks.

**((LINE))**

**The Random End!**

**So was that good? Did it suck? Do I suck? Tell me what you think.**

**I'm sorry it's been so long since my last update, forgive me!**

**The updating would come quicker if I had more reviews...**

**I know I've had plenty of hits, so why do I not have plenty of reviews? **


	6. Secrets & Confessions

**EDITED! I realise now that some of this may look like gay bashing, it really isn't though. Jak's just a bit of a homophobe XD**

**At this point it still seems that Jak's the hero, but don't you think that somewhere along the line Erol became the true hero of Insanity? My OC version of him is just so lovable! **

**((LINE))**

**Howdy! I'm back!**

**Finally! A new chapter! So I won't keep you waiting with my authors note and I'll get straight to the point...**

**DISCLAIMER: Everything apart from anything random and/or ridiculous belongs to naughty dog, not me, if it was me things would be a lot different...**

**Think about it, seriously...**

**((LINE))**

**Secrets and Confessions**

Erol stood at Jak's door step, about to ring the bell when Jak himself opened the door to get the morning paper, dressed in only boxer shorts the same colour as his eyes. Erol stared open-mouthed at his luck. Jak slammed the door so Erol, thinking he was sick or something rang the door bell, and as Jak was still just waking up, he opened the door.

"Uh, hi Jakkie, I got your chocolate, note and this muse" said Erol hopefully, adjusting the stuffed Muse around his neck. This time it was Jak's turn to stare open-mouthed, how could he be so stupid... but those oh-so-good Special-Forget-Every-Single-Little-Thing-About-The-Meeting-Exept-The-Brownies Brownies had made him feel so...

Elated.

"Jak, you've been standing there staring at me for several minutes now and I don't really like the way your eye's twitching, why don't you invite me in and recite that poem for me?"

This was way too much for our hero, he ran from the house, screaming, with his hands waving around above his head.

When he arrived at the Naughty Ottsel he stood in front of the bar yelling with his arms still flailing about like gigantic worms until Daxter appeared holding a large can of Mortein. "Damn blowflies! Damn them!" He was muttering to himself "Oh hey Jak, ya seen Tess? I haven't seen her since she went out this morning"

Jak screamed and waved an arm in the general direction of his house in the slums, "ARRHHH! Erol! Poofiness!"

Then suddenly Erol himself walked through the door in nothing but purple boxers with a picture of his and Jak's heads in a pink love heart with the text: _"The Man Whore and the Hero"_

"Oh hey Daxxy, have you seen my sweet honey man, Ja- Ohh! There you are Ja- Hey! Where did he go?"

Jak had ran at full speed to live in Samos' old, abandoned hut in dead town where Erol would never go looking for him in fear of breaking a perfectly manicured nail or ruining his stylish yet affordable boots.

Meanwhile Ashelin and Keira were fighting over Jak. "He's mine!" yelled Keira truthfully.  
"NO! Mine! All mine! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Laughed Ashelin evilly and insanely. "But you have Torn! You're only saying all this weird stuff 'cause you had maybe one too many schnapps. What would your boyfriend say if he heard you!" Keira retorted just as Torn walked in.

"It's ok, I know Asselin's been cheating on me with Kleiver, I've been getting sweet vengeance by cheating on her with Erol

"Aww! That's sooo good of you to do that!, lets break up with Kleiver and Erol and forget it ever happened!" said Ashelin and she and Torn began to make out. Keira felt disturbed but being the honest girl that she was she burst out with all her secrets...

"Back in Sandover I got mad at Jak for not speaking to me so I set a lurker on him,

It was me that put that skanky Muse on misty island,

It was me that trashed the Blue Sages hut, not Gol and Maia,

I killed Daddy's favourite plant 'cause I thought he loved it more than me,

I smoked weed at Jak's 13th birthday party with Daxter,

When I first landed in Haven the first person I saw was Erol, dressed in bright red boxers with the text: _My perfect man: Strong, With goatee, Blonde/green hair, Blue eyes and from the past. I hope I meet him soon!_, he was dancing so I decided to join him,

I was so happy when I saw Jak after two years that I wet myself, therefore I couldn't hug him without him noticing,

This isn't my natural hair colour,

And I have had affairs with the following people:

Kleiver

Erol

Torn, sorry Ash couldn't help it

Sig

Krew, only because I needed the money!

Pecker

The sculptor back in Sandover

Damas

and a large fleshy thing pink thing that claimed to be God

So there, I'm not so innocent now am I?"

That was the moment when Jak decided to walk in and hear every word she had just said, he ran out the room much in the same way he had done with the Erol situation, except now he was crying.

((LINE))

Somewhere in a random spot, in Onin's tent, Tess was visiting. In her hand Tess held a bucket of green paint for no reason at all. Without warning she tripped and the green paint spilled all over Onin and that's when it hit us all. It was actually Onin who had played Yoda! Yoda is Onin with green paint and the ability to speak without a translating monkaw! Besides the fact that Yoda was a guy from a galaxy far far away but that's totally besides my point... which I've forgotten so... moving on...

Jak went to Spargus to visit his father who is meant to be dead, but who cares? This is just random stuff that I thought up like, just now as I'm typing it.

"Son!" Yelled Damas as Jak approached him and before poor, traumatised Jak could do anything, Damas was hugging him. It didn't feel like he was gonna be letting go anytime soon.

(7 days later)

Damas finally let go and realised that it was the next week and they were starting to smell like my mum's shoes, wet dog and fish all mixed in a POISON COCKTAIL OF DOOM! Ahem...

Anyway, wherever Daxter was, he was eating chocolate salty balls as he watched Van Helsing "ARRGGG! Werewolf!" He yelped and spilled all his chocolate salty balls.

**((LINE))**

**The End...For now**

**MWAHAHAHAHAHA**

**FEAR ME!**

**Actually don't...Just review me and I shall be happy!**

**And that reminds me to thank all who reviewed and all who are about to review RIGHT NOW!**

**Please, do it now...I'll give you...umm...FREE STUFF! **

**MWAHAHAHAHA!**

**Ok...that's enough evil laughing for me...**

**Also, you don't have to tell me that this is my worse chapter so far but I'm sick and I thought it's been a while since I last updated so I did but I should have an idea for a better chapter soon so nobody panic, just review and tell me what you wanna see, who you wanna see more of, who you wanna see less of and anything you would like me to include or work on or something, so please, peoples, give me inspiration!**

**Thanks **


	7. Samos' Hitlist

**EDITED! And here began the infamous and completely unnecessary conversations with Jak in the author's notes... I can't help but love them, gives the whole story a certain character.**

**Jak: I'll give you a "certain character..." **

**=D See what I mean?**

**((LINE))**

**Hey peoples!**

**I bet you weren't expecting a new update for at least another two months like it normally is! Hahaha! I am unpredictable! **

**Moving on...**

**Today I have a friend... Jak! He's here to do my disclaimer!**

**Jak: Mmmphabaa! **

**Hmm maybe I should take the gag out...**

**Jak: Dark Eco Angel owns nothing to do with the Jak and Daxter series, especially not me! HELP ME!**

**Ok, I'll let you go as soon as I figure out how to untie these huge knots I did! (pulls out huge knife and grins evilly)**

**Jak: Eep...**

**Get ready for the return of Ms Clark!**

**Jak: Double eep...**

**((LINE))**

**Samos' Hit List**

It was a calm, sunny and friendly sort of day in Haven City and Samos was looking at his extensive hit list. "Hmmm... let's see I'd better do something about all these names, before it becomes two pages!" exclaimed Samos with a gleam in his most magnified eye.

"Let's see... Ahh yes let's start with...Daxter and work our way down:

Daxter

Keira

Jak

Erol

Torn

Tess

Ashelin

Krew

Rayn

Razor

Jinx

Damas

Why is my own daughter second on the list? Oh yes, now I remember...

She killed my favourite plant! I loved that thing! I would read it bed time stories, feed it with my own waste for freshness, talk to it, pet it, play with it, sing to it and all while Keira was locked outside, crying with a sprained ankle and hanging of the balcony with one hand while the lurker dogs circled her in the rain, for accidently knocking it over."

Samos continued to talk to himself like this for several hours before realising that this wasn't getting any killing done.

Samos entered the Naughty Ottsel in silence. It was quiet, too quiet. Perfect, Samos thought to himself. Now he could kill that insolent little fur ball once and for all!

Samos pulled something out from his bag... A life sized female ottsel toy dressed to look as though Ashelin had become an ottsel, complete with mini guns.

Samos pulled out a voice recorder and turned it on then went to hide under a table in a booth, "Oh Daxter, time for your massage" it said in a very good imitation of Ashelin, courtesy of Erol. Daxter appeared from the backroom and went straight over to "Ashelin",  
"You know sweet stripes, you didn't have to go to these lengths to get some orange lovin'!" He said, sounding very cocky.

The Ashelin ottsel toy held up her gun in front of her and took a shot at him but it missed by about thirty centimetres and bounced of a sleeping Krew and narrowly missed Samos.

So having failed his first attempted murder, Samos ran away screaming into the night.

So away he went into the night to see his beloved daughter and to bring her a rare gift, a Hippy Plant. DUN DUN DUUUUN!

The problem with Hippy Plants was that if it saw you be nasty to another plant including itself, it would de-molecularise you into nothingness. The other thing was that if it was left to long without de-molecularising someone, it turned into a hippy.

Samos knocked on the door to Keira's garage and she let him in, not knowing what deadness was due to befall her. "Oh hi Daddy, come in- what's that?"

"It is a special gift for you, my darling daughter." said Samos as he handed the Hippy Plant to her.  
"Gee thanks Daddy, another plant! I think this one can go on the shelf in that underground greenhouse you built me to put all your other unusual gifts!"

Keira skipped happily down to the greenhouse and put the plant on the shelf, amongst the several hundred dead plants in the room. "There you go my precious" said Keira to the lethal plant and she skipped back upstairs to her father only to find that he wasn't even there, but the window was open and in the distance she could here mad cackling.

"Oh my God! Not another good for nothing plant! It's not like I look after them! I just put them in that good for nothing greenhouse and that's the end of them!" Keira loudly complained to herself.

And so it was that the Hippy Plant never de-molecularised anyone...

"Who's next on my list?" Samos wondered out loud. He smiled softly to himself when he had consulted said list, "Jak, MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll teach you to make my beloved daughter fall madly in love with you! Even my little plant had a thing for you! Well I'll fix you!"

When Samos had reached Jak's simple little house he knocked as that is the polite thing to do. When Jak answered the door in his fluoro pink underwear, Samos began to threaten him:

"WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU

YOU WON'T HAVE ANY GIRLS LOVIN' YOU AFTER I'M DONE WITH THAT FACE!

I'LL CUT OFF YOUR BALLS

AND PUT THEM IN A BLUNT BLENDER

AND FEED THEM TO STARVRING CROCODOGS WITHOUT TEETHE

AND THEN I'LL INFECT THE CROCODOGS WITH DARK ECO

AND THEN I'LL LET SOME METALHEADS EAT THEM ALIVE

AND THEN I'LL BURN THE METALHEADS

AND PISS ON THE ASHES

AND MAKE SURE YOU WATCH!"

Then Samos whipped out a peace maker and began to charge it but before he could use it properly Jak had gone Dark and dark bombed Samos' arse into the port (A/N: Oh my god! picture Dark Jak in fluoro pink underwear!).

Samos dragged himself out of the port muttering about putting 'Kill Jak' on his "To Do In The Distant Future" list and moved on to... everyone's favourite trigger happy, KG commander with a thing for the guy on his custom made boxer shorts (Which today were blue and yellow pin stripes with tiny green love hearts and the text:_ Intelligence is sexy but so is my cuddlepie Jak!_).

At some random location Samos found Erol, well...in truth he found him at the shop where he got he's custom made boxer shorts, it was called "Ms Clarks Boxers and Knickers" Samos nearly died when he saw what Erol and Ms Clark were doing...

comparing leg hair length.

Ms Clark then proceeded to shave Erol's legs clean of all hair and stick it onto her legs with sticky tape. For anyone who is trying to picture it as clearly as me... Ms Clark is short, squat, in her 50s, brown bob cut, pointed teethe and wears cheap bright pink lip stick.

Picture it, damn you! Picture it!

Moving on...

"Samos! What a surprise to see you here! Wanna get matching boxers?" asked Erol, as though this sort of thing happened every day. Samos blinked at Erol in his sky blue ball gown with lace cuffs and a neat little umbrella over his shoulder.  
"Actually having just killed my own daughter and failed to kill Daxter and Jak, I think I'd like to kill you." explained Samos simply.

"YOU TRYED TO KILL MY JAK? I'LL KILL YOU!"

At this point Ms Clark took a picture of Erol's red and angry face."What would you like the text, if any, to say Erol?"

" I'M GONNA FUCKING RIP YOU APART AND BUGGER YOU TO HIGH HELL 23 TIMES!" Yelled a VERY pissed off Erol at Samos but Ms Clark thought he was talking to her so she made a pair of sunshine yellow boxers with a picture of a very angry Erol and the text: _I'M GUNNA FUCKING RIP YOU APART AND BUGGER YOU TO HIGH HELL 23 TIMES!_

"Why 22 times?" Samos asked calmly. "It's my lucky number" said Erol lightly, completely forgetting to be mad.

Then Samos went over to the counter, drawn there by the over-powering power of the Special-Forget-Every-Single-Little-Thing-About-The-Meeting-Exept-The-Brownies Brownies, He opened his mouth to swallow the plate whole but he was stopped when the Hippy Plant burst through the door and hugged him, except it was no longer a Hippy Plant, it was a Hippy.

"Time is like a stretched elastic band dude, you can't let go or it'll flick back and poke your eye out" said the marijuana filled Hippy. (A/N: Before anyone fires a nuke at me, I have nothing against Hippies!)

Samos became way too disturbed for normal thoughts, and ran from the room screaming. Erol pulled of his ball gown to reveal that he was wearing one of those tops that say "Make Love Not War" and baggy green pants. He hugged the Hippy and they went off to the port to stop people polluting the water with eco and oil.

Samos consulted his hit list and saw that Torn was next. "This time I'll finish the job myself! I'm not gonna leave it to some plant or toy or walk into any underwear shops!"

At Torn's secret location , Samos made himself known. "What do you want _Grandpa_?" asked Torn nastily.  
"I want you!" shouted Samos and he leaped for Torn's dagger, grabbed it and attempted to stab him with it but he was too short and Torn was really tall! Torn grabbed Samos by the throat and asked him why he was trying to kill him.

Samos thought for a few hours then he came up with an answer 'I don't know.'

So Samos left the hide out and went to see Tess, who was working the bar at the Naughty Ottsel. Why did he want to kill her you ask? Well...let's not go there shall we? Heh heh...

Samos knew that Tess liked to have a sugary ice tea during her lunch break; he also knew that she liked her ankle to be tickled but let's not go there as it's not really important.

"Hi Samos!" Said Tess brightly, bouncing over to him, her blonde hair swaying from side to side. Samos held scissors behind his back. Tess smiled warmly at him and Samos just couldn't do it, he couldn't kill anyone that... innocent. Suddenly Ashelin walked into the bar. Her secret corset broke and she became her true self...

Fat

Ashelin Praxis was secretly as fat as Krew and was actually his ex wife but they divorced because he thought she was to fat for him. Samos used the scissors to pop her, she imploded and all that was left was a smaller version of her, zooming around the room like a balloon... no wait... that IS a balloon... and what walls? The building collapsed.

Samos did the victory dance with Tess; he had finally killed someone on his notorious hit list!

Then an idea struck him, if he could lure Krew and Rayn here, he could kill them too!

Samos straddled his zoomer, waiting for Fatty and his daughter to show up. They appeared around the corner and Samos put his plan into action, 'HEY YOU! YEAH YOU! SWEATY FAT ROLLY POLLY JELLYBEAN SPERMWHALE FUCK! AND YOU, RAYN WHO I HAVE NO INSULTS FOR! BETCHA CAN'T CATCH ME!'

With that Samos sped towards the ruins of the Naughty Ottsel. When they arrived, Krew howled with frustration at seeing his ex wife dead and his ex bar a thing of the very near past. Krew tried to get out of his floating chair of doom but he fell onto Rayn, which killed her and a sharp nail penetrated his flesh and he too died, much in the same way as Asselin. This set off a Krewquake (A/N: You know...like an earthquake) which set of a mini tsunami in the port which killed Damas who had just arrived via air train and Jinx, who was about to blow the air train up. Razor witnessed this tragedy and choked on his cigarette and died.

Samos did the Victory Dance by himself before Daxter, Keira, Jak, Erol, Torn, Tess and the Hippy found him and tickle attacked him until he begged for mercy, so they killed him.

**The End of the Chapter!**

**Jak: Finally!**

**Screw you Jak! So peoples, what did you think of this chapter, and the last? Tell me what you think or else! **

**Jak: I fear you...**

**Why thank you Jak, but can't we be friends?**

**Jak: Maybe, if you put that damned knife down! I'm free already!**

**Ok, ok I'll put it down, but only if you put your Morph gun down!**

**Jak: Stop Erol from going anywhere near me and I'll be your friend!**

**OK! So anyway, people now I really am outta ideas! Thanks to Lonely Alice for the idea for what Samos yelled at Jak it helped a lot and thank you to all the people who have reveiwed coughReveiwOrDiecoughcough**

**Jak: She means it**

**Shut up Jak! Don't listen to a word he says, if I killed you there would be no way of getting reviews! So review and I'll let you borrow Jak! Or maybe I could lend you Tess... whichever you prefer, there're both only blondes...**

**Jak: Uh...Dark Eco Angel...you're blonde.**

**By default! It's turning brunette really slowly! Hey! What are you still reading our conversation for? This isn't getting any reviewing done!**

**Jak: So...What shampoo and conditioner do you use?**

**Herbal Essences, you?**

**Jak: Same! I love that stuff!**

**REVEIW PEOPLE! And tell me your favourite shampoo/conditioner brand! **


	8. Ashelin in a lot of Pain

**EDITED! A few small changes but nothing you'll miss. Fucking Hell, I used to hate Ashelin a lot! Haha I don't mind her so much now, she'll never exactly be a favourite though.**

**((LINE))**

**WOO! Another chapter is up!**

**Jak: Goodie...**

**Trust me Jak; nothing could be as bad as what I've already done to you**

**Jak: Oh really?**

**Really, anyway you have to be nice to me if you want me to do something nice for you in this chapter!**

**Jak: Can I have a romantic evening with Keira?**

**Maybe if you do what we talked about exactly how we talked about it... to Erol.**

**Jak: (Reads script) Dark Eco Angel owns nothing apart from a few OC's, you should know who they are unless you live under a rock, which would be extremely uncomfortable and you have my full concern. If you are still under that rock I suggest you come out lest you do your back in... man, who writes this crap?**

**ME! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ok, I'm over it, take it away Jak!**

**Jak: (Puts on cool guy sunnies and strums a guitar, the string breaks and he shoots the crap out of it with my favourite gun, the Vulcun Fury!)**

**Uhh...let's just get on with the fic...**

**Jak: DAMN IT I'LL NEVER GET IT RIGHT! DIE YOU BASTARDIC GUITAR!**

**((LINE))**

**Ashelin in Pain. Lots.**

The city governess was walking down the street in her skanky clothes, looking for signs of improvement on her dead looking and seemingly insomniac citizens but nothing had changed, they continued to walk very slowly and aimlessly for all eternity. Just as she was thinking about going back to the palace a mad looking metalhead with rabies came out of nowhere and bit her.

Ashelin lay in the middle of the industrial section, dying painfully when she was stung by a wumpbee and had a very nasty looking allergic reaction. Her face was covered in boils and her leg, where she had been bitten, was already swollen and green. She could feel the fatal disease pulsating through her with every cry she let out but none of her citizens took any notice of her.

Ashelin thought of Light Jak and his healing powers and ironically he flew over her and waved but did not stop to help her as Erol was not far behind with a hang glider. His dress went up and showed his boxers, they were bright yellow with pictures of all Jak's emotions on them: Happy, Angry, Dark, Light, Sad, Pouting, "Exited", Shy, Embarrassed, Sick, Cocky, Proud, In Love and a few others that weren't quite visible at that moment in time but they seemed to be hand drawn by Erol himself.

Happy, "Exited" and In Love were circled with lines coming from the text: "_When Jak Sees Me"_

Ashelin wished for death, for she was in too much pain to bear. An anvil dropped on her little toe on the left side; she reached for her gun with the idea of blasting it of her unfortunate toe but missed and blasted her foot clean off her ankle. So there she was, The Skanky Governess Engaged to Torn and About to Die in the Middle of the Industrial Section. Cool title, huh? Way better than just City Governess.

(A/N: But since I feel like it, Asselin will suffer for the whole chapter, also I feel I should mention that all the characters that have died in past chapters are back for an unknown reason.)

Samos walked past carrying a fresh supply of green eco, ready to heal Erol who had crashed and encountered Dark Jak.  
"Please, help me Samos, I demand it as your Governess!"  
"Well, technically as you are about to die I can just walk past like the rest of these sadists as you will soon have no authority over me so get stuffed!" Retorted Samos smoothly and he marched on his merry way.

Keira sat next to her communicator as she worked on some complicated mechanical... thingy. She was talking to herself again, "Why hasn't he called, he promised me he would! Maybe something's wrong, maybe he's hurt, maybe Erol turned him g-..."

But Keira never got to voice that horrible thought about her beloved Jak as her communicator clicked into life and Ashelin's screams filled the room. Keira clicked it off in fear that Jak would call while her line was busy, "Hmm, must have been a wrong number." she said absent mindedly.

Just as Ashelin thought her situation couldn't get any worse, a large crocodog ran over her now black and highly infected metalhead bite, followed by a dozen FL Guards in pursuit of the innocent creature.

Ashelin cried out in agony but nobody noticed as her face grew even puffier. The Hippy ran up to her all over a sudden and hugged her, stuck a flower in her wound and took her severed foot for reasons that you find under this line:

((LINE))

Vin cowered at the power station, terrified that Onin might find him there hiding behind the portal. Ashelin's foot at that moment was thrown through the portal and knocked poor Vin out. When he awoke and saw the foot, he fainted. This process repeated four more times until he made himself look away and threw up. Vin then noticed four words etched on the bottom of the foot: _Not much time left._

Vin knew these words were meant for him, "I knew it! I just knew it! The world is out to kill me!" He then called Onin in the hope that if he went on another date with her she would protect him from everybody. She agreed somehow, considering that Pecker was out.

Ashelin lay ignored and in pain in the middle of a busy street. The zoomers zoomed above her and the civilians walked straight over her as though she were invisible. Just then the ground opened up and from beneath her it devoured her.

Suddenly a large fleshy something came towards her, ripped of a HUGE chunk of its flab and began to beat her with it.

((LINE))

Erol walked out of the shops carrying blonde hair dye, he fondled it carefully thinking that he and Jak could have something to talk about apart from restraining orders. He pictures all the blonde things they could do together.

Jak saw Erol and what was in his hands. His eyes then dropped to where Erol's boxers were showing through his mini skirt, they had a photo shopped picture of Jak proposing to Keira, who was now a blonde Erol sitting there looking lovingly up at his "lover".

This was too much for Jak, hand drawn pictures were one thing but two completely different photos fused together was another. He went Dark but before he could do anything Erol turned around and winked at him.  
"EEK!" Yelled Dark Jak as he ran away to see Keira for their romantic evening.

((LINE))

When he got there he heard muffled yells but thought it was just a plant from the basement. The door was open and the lights were dimmed, this gave Jak a very good feeling about tonight. He entered the lounge room to see that Keira had her back to him, lighting candles. "Keira, I don't know what to say... this is unexpected" crooned a soppy looking Jak, smoothing back his hair.

The she-elf kept her back to him and let out a high pitched giggle. Jak had never heard her laugh like this but took it as a good sign.

Keira turned the lights out completely so Jak couldn't see a thing but Keira had night vision goggles and an infra red camera taping everything that was going on. Keira moved towards Jak and made her intensions clear with a kiss.

That is when Jak realised what was going on, "EROL! GET OUT OF KEIRA'S CLOTHES, BURN THAT WIG AND GET THE HELL OUT YOU WHORE!"

Erol ran from the room in fear of awakening the dark beast inside of Jak.

Jak ran over to the wardrobe and freed a tied up and gagged Keira, I'll leave what happened next in that house up to you...

((LINE))

Ashelin lay motionless underground and underneath the Pink Fleshy Thing of Doom but she was not yet dead. At least not until her communicator clicked on and she had to listen to Torn break up with her because he had found someone better . Then all her "friends" called to tell her that they really hated her and only put up with her because she's so high up in authority but they heard she was dying.

Then when she feared things couldn't get worse, which by some rule is the worst thing to think in a time like that, the Thing on top of her farted.

She was dead.

**WOO! Lets party!**

**Sorry if I went a little bit over board but what can I say... I love to hate Ashelin!**

**Jak: I'm gunna fucking kill you!**

**Why?**

**Jak: What happened to that romantic evening with Keira we talked about? Why did it have to be (Shudders)... Erol?**

**Sorry but Erol demanded it of me when you were in the shower, also I think it would be a good idea for you to take those cameras down before you shower again because he was very happy for some reason...what do you do in there?**

**Jak: There's cameras in there! Never you mind what I do!**

**Fine, I'll give the tape back to Erol before I watch it...**

**Jak: You have it? (Wrestles the tape from my hand, gets it and burns it along with the cameras)**

**Damn... EROL!**

**Jak: NOOOOO (Runs away to Keira's house)**

**Erol: Jakkie, my love! Where are you going...? Jakkie?**

**You got the backup tape?**

**Erol: Yep**

**OK! To my reviewers I should say that I have no intentions of watching the tape...**

**Thanks to all the lovely reviewers. If you feel like flaming this chapter I won't mind, I'll only come up with some sarcastic remark. You should know that I'm still very short on ideas so if you could give me some it would be greatly appreciated. **


	9. Transsexuals & Fatties Anonymous

**EDITED! Not much to say about it, just grammar and spelling edits and again, a few things gone that no one will miss. **

**((LINE))**

**HEY! First of all I'd just like to say WOO! Another chappie! And another thing, THANKS to ALL of my reviewers! I'm doing well so far, no flames yet! What say you Jak?**

**Jak: I could flame you...**

**Sweet of you Jak, but no, that would be mean.**

**Ok people, forget sweet Jakkie for a sec so I can explain something-**

**Sweet Jakkie: Sweet Jakkie? Change my name back to just plain Jak!**

**Just Plain Jak: Damn you! Do it again without spotting the loop holes!**

**Jak: Better!**

**(Hits Jak over head with random inanimate object)**

**Jak: (Eats random inanimate object)**

**Moving on...**

**Jak: Damn, I think she forgot the disclaimer, oh well I guess I'll do it... It's all owned by a bunch of random companies and Naughty Dog, which includes me.**

**((LINE))**

**Transsexuals & FA**

"My name is Krew and I'm fat, eyy," said Krew, as he sat in his floating chair being fat.

"Well done young Krew! Admitting it is half way to becoming it!" Said the giant pink ball of flab seen in earlier chapters.

It was a rainy sort of day and a large electrical storm was right above Haven city. Krew was in the safe and rather big confines of _Fatties Anonymous_, a refuge for people around the same size as Krew and bigger. FA is unlike any other society of its kind, they work on getting bigger. This week, they were being served McDonald's... one store each, as they discussed the topic of the week: How much can you fit on your home made pizza?

"I can fit 2 mashed bananas, 3 pizza bases, 4 blocks of cheese, 5 tacos, a can of fanta, a roast lamb, 11 small potatoes, a boiled cat, ice cream, 8 Happy Meals and a box of cheerio's! Beat that!" Said a particularly large little girl named (A/N: EDIT: insert name of friend I was angry with at the time.)

"Well...That's a bit hard since you're almost three times my size, EYY!" said Krew, the fattest _man_ in the world, "I only have 5 potatoes instead of 11 and I prefer Big Macs to Happy Meals." he said.

"I like chicken and cherries on mine said a shy boy who was way too small to be there with all those colossal people on flying chairs...He could still walk. The fatter elves all looked at the boy like they had never seen him before and licked their lips.

"Now, hey! Wait a minute guys, let's not be hasty! That's what the brotherhood was all about wasn't it? Getting bigger? Well I wanna get bigger and I can't do that if you do what I think you are about to d- AAAAARRRRRRHHHHHHHHHH SOMEONE HE-"

"That was delicious, ey!"

((LINE))

Meanwhile at the Naughty Ottsel Jak and Daxter were sitting at the bar drinking Red-Eye (A/N: My latest favourite drink. If you haven't heard of it, it's an energy drink.).

Pecker flew in and ordered a beer.

I think we can all guess what's gonna happen now... for those of you who haven't...we have a hyped up Daxter with an energy drink...A tipsy Pecker...If you still haven't worked it out there is no help in the world for you.

Suddenly a strange creature walked in the door...A Monkaw/Ottsel crossbreed (A/N: That's part monkey, macaw, otter and weasel...whoa).

She walked in and strutted over to the bar and ordered a drink from an ogling Tess who was jealous of her chest which was thrice the size of hers.

After a while the Monkottselaw got up and fell down. Daxter and Pecker went to catch her at the same time but stopped and let her fall when they saw that to rather large melons had slipped from her blouse.

Pecker snatched them up to give to the odd looking lady who they thought was the best thing since sliced bread.

"Hey! I wanna give that to her! Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!" said Dax jumping up and down very fast.

"No, Onin says I must be kind to unsuspecting woman of beauty!" retorted Pecker as he stumbled and dropped the melons.

They both ran to catch them and both caught them. They began to pull at them relentlessly.

"I saw her first! I get first dibs on the juicy melons!"

"I must bring Onin back a gift, it's her birthday tomorrow! She's turning 300!"

"I'm hungry!"

"I crave juice!"

"I'm the hero's best friend, we have friendship bracelets!"

"I live in a smelly tent with an equally smelly old woman!"

"I don't see what your point is about that!"

"Neither do I but it distracted you long enough for you to loosen you grip!"

Pecker swung up the melons and they landed on the floor...Completely smashed. That was the end of that tug-of-war... Until they spotted something shiny...

((LINE))

Torn, Kleiver and Sig stood in the wasteland with Keira who was having an affair with Torn for the third time in two years. Seem soon joined them, she stood next to Keira.

"WOAH, Hold that just a second!" Said Sig, "you're so funny looking compared to the slightly tomboyish beauty of the mechanic!"

"Why thank you Sig" Said Kleiver fluttering his eye lashes at the disturbed wastelander.

"Uhh...I meant the chick mechanic but good to know where you're at with the whole bi/homo/hetero thingy..."

"Oh..." uttered a very disappointed male mechanic in a giant nappy.

"I could be of stupendous beauty if I hadn't chosen the path of the precursor monks!" shouted an outraged Seem.

"But monks are meant to be guys!" Torn pointed out.

"Who said I'm not a guy!"

"If you were a man you would be more muscular and big and wearing a nappy like a real man!" Kleiver announced.

"..." said the whole group.

"Wow...Listen to those conveniently placed crickets, " mumbled Sig.

"So are you a guy or a chick?" asked Keira, walking around Seem in a tight circle.

"Well...There is one way of finding out..." Said Torn as he stretched out his hands. Keira slapped him across the face several times and told him he can only have affairs with girls he was sure were girls.

"Do you prefer cherry or chilli pepper?" questioned Sig.

"Both...Yum..." Replied Seem.

"Did someone say cherries and chilli?" ssked the newly arrived Krew, licking his lips.

"RUN!" yelled the rest of the group.

Krew chased them all the into the Spargus arena where Damas made them fight the beast.

At last the sweaty-fat-rolly-polly-jellybean-sewage-farm-crack of doom-spermwhale-fuck was popped once again, taking down the entire arena with it.

((LINE))

Back in Haven city where it was raining heavily and the storm was still raging on, causing buildings to topple over and fires to start, Baron Praxis was standing in the middle of it all, singing.

"It's raining men! Hallelujah it's raining men, hey, hey! It's raining men!" As he did a strip tease.

**((LINE))**

**Teh end of teh chappie!**

**Jak: My eyes! Why oh why did you have to add that last part?**

**Pure evilness...I like being evil**

**Jak: ...Oh... fair enough...Another thing...Keira is having an affair with that skinny bastard? Why didn't you tell me?**

**Well if it makes you feel any better I have him tied up under my desk...**

**Jak: ...I guess I do feel a little better... At least Erol wasn't in this chapter (Shudders)**

**Erol: Jakkie poo! Come and see my new boxer shorts! They have you on them! **

**Jak: Hide me!**

**(Ties Jak up under desk next to Torn) Now, to you readers that I would like to call reviewers...REVEIW... That is all**

**Jak: I'll hug who ever reviews**

**Can I review myself?**

**Jak: No...**

**Erol: I heard something about Jak hugging people if they review...Can I review?**

**Yes Erol, Go ahead.**

**Jak: ...**


	10. May the Best Hybrid Win!

**EDITED! This revising is actually starting to become hard work... but it gives me something to do. Not a lot of changes, but I did find a few references to an ex-boyfriend that were promptly deleted and will be deleted from any other chapter I find them in. **

**((LINE))**

**HELLO LOYAL READERS AND NEW COMERS!**

**Jak: Wow...Her last red eye was three hours ago and yet she still seems as though she's on a high...**

**Ok people, from now on actions will be in (brackets), since nothing else seems to work. Get it, got it? Good.**

**Jak: You're a very strange girl...**

**About time you noticed.**

**Jak: I'm just gonna... do the disclaimer and ignore you... Dark Eco Angel owns nothing, Naughty Dog does but I'm certain there would be a very obvious reason for it being called that if DEA did own my world... and I (Runs away at the thought).**

**Isn't he a sweetie? Anyways a big shout out to my reviewers, this story would never have come this far without you, I love you guys (tear, sniff)**

**Torn: Can I come out from under here? It's hot and Kleiver is getting closer!**

**Kleiver: Torn, where are ya? I need ya tah help me clean my ass and change me nappy!**

**Ok, I see why I should untie you, I don't even wanna think about... that... **

**((LINE!))**

**May the Best Hybrid Win**

Daxter and Pecker stood in one of Haven's many alleys.

"Ready to lose yet another fight, ottsel?" asked Pecker rhetorically.

Daxter replied by sticking his tongue out and saying "You can't tell because of the bandages but I have a specific finger up at you right now."

...:::::FLASHBACK:::::...

Pecker grabbed Daxter's foot, forcing Dax to topple to the ground in a heap.

"Never accuse me of flirting with Tess again!"

Daxter flipped back to his feet and began to grapple with Pecker in a weird parody of a wrestling match."I wouldn't have if you weren't complimenting her eyes, hair and ass AND smelling her!"

"OK, OK! when you put it that way it sounds bad, but what about when you tried to hug Onin!" retorted Pecker in his accent as he threw a punch, which Daxter swiftly dodged.

"1. I was wasted. 2. She's not your girlfriend 3. I emphasis the TRIED, She didn't let me touch her 'cause she was busy comin' on to ol' greenie," Daxter pointed out as he tried to get Pecker on the floor so he could get on top of him and claim the upper hand.

"Good point, But I'm still going to whoop your ass because this is now cutting into MY siesta time!" With one last, almighty movement, Pecker flew into the air, dive bombed Daxter and knocked him out cold, fracturing his arm on impact.

...:::::END FLASHBACK:::::...

"Let's make this fair and use only our tails" Reasoned Pecker, eyeing Daxter's arm with pride.

Daxter spat on the ground "May the best hybrid win."

Pecker flew into Daxter and wrapped his prehensile tail feathers around Daxter's compact, fuzzy body. Daxter in turn wrapped his tail around Peckers glossy feathers and squeezed hard, feeling angry at how close he was to Pecker yet at the same time satisfied at the shocked look that had come over Peckers face. He hadn't known how much strength was in Daxter's tail.

Pecker realised how his face looked and quickly rearranged it into twisted hatred and decided to throw Daxter off his game by confusing him... he grabbed Daxter's arse.

Daxter yelped and in an even bigger rage squeezed the breath out of Pecker's lungs. Pecker fell, motionless, to the floor where he would not wake up for several hours.

((LINE))

_"I love you baby, and if it's quite alright I need you baby, don't want a lonely night, I need you baby... Let me love you, baby..."_ sang Erol at the top of his voice to the picture of Jak opposite the shower as he washed the conditioner out of his hair.

He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He kissed the picture of Jak and whispered "In time, my love, in time you will be able to join me."

Erol pulled on his new boxer shorts, which had a picture of Ashelin lying dead on the ground in a pool of blood and another picture of Keira bending over a zoomer that she was fixing. The text read: "_One down, one to go until I can make Jak my own"_

Erol decided to go see Ms. Clark and get another pair of boxers to try and catch Jak's eye.

"Welcome back Erol, You have been gone for about five hours, a record, is it not?" greeted Ms. Clark. "So what do you want on tomorrow's boxers? Did you bring me more pictures of Jak to play around with on my photo shopping program? Perhaps, dare I suggest, we do a nude shot?"

Erol drooled at that last sentence, but he already had an idea, he would do that idea tomorrow, and possibly the day after that...

"I wish to do something that will appeal to Jak and make him look at my tight butt in the hope that he will fall in love with me." Erol said this as though it was pure logic and not at all disturbing or ridiculous.

"Very well, might I suggest a picture of the mechanic's breasts?" suggested Ms. Clark.

"What, Kleiver's moobs? We all know they aren't real! Totally plastic!" pointed out Erol as though this was common knowledge, completely forgetting Keira.

"Oh yes, I guess you are right..." Apparently Ms. Clark had forgotten Keira as well.

"I was thinking more along the lines of a picture of my own ass, so when he sees the lovely picture of it, he will ask who's it is, when I tell him that it's mine he will want to see it to make sure that it really is mine, then he will fall in love with it, and then me." Explained Erol, apparently this plan made sense to him. "The ass goes on the back; on the front I would like a huge picture of Jak. The background colour shall be hot pink...Tinted with baby pink... yeah that should be eye catching..."

((LINE))

In Dead Town, near the door back into Haven, Daxter was collecting Butchy Boys (A/N: if you don't know what I mean, PM me about it... or Google it.) in an empty Coke can. There was still a few drops left so some of them drowned while the others stood on their bodies out of reach of the fizzing liquid.

Once he was satisfied that he had collected enough, he told Jak, who had just finished kicking metal-arse, that he thought they should go to the Naughty Ottsel for a drink.

"Want some?" Daxter questioned when they arrived at their destination. He held the can out hopefully, Jak took it.

"Nah, you can have the rest, there's hardly anything in there!" Jak pointed out, weighing the can with a giant scale that appeared out of nowhere. Daxter laughed like a maniac and tipped the can upside down. About thirty Butchy Boys spilled out; Jak was shocked but laughed and joined Daxter in squishing them.

Jak suddenly realised something, "You were gonna have me eat them!"

"No I wasn't! I would have told you at the last mom-" But Daxter never got to finish his explanation as Jak tipped the remaining few, unfortunate, dead butchy Boys all over his head, some got stuck Daxter's fur.

Jak laughed like a maniac, before he saw Erol bending over and exposing his newest boxer shorts from underneath the cardboard box he was wearing.

"Why! Why? WHY do you do this to me? Jak demanded of the author, but she was already sitting down with Erol, planning his next outfit.

((LINE))

The next day, our battle hardened hero was putting new locks on his door.

Torn randomly wandered past with his pet rock and made Jak remember that Keira was having an affair with that skinny bastard.

((LINE))

Jak walked into the Naughty Ottsel, he wore all his weaponry as if putting them on show.

He walked up to the bar where he was served by Tess.

"So, Tess, wanna swing by my place later tonight and uhh...Have an affair with me?" Jak went straight to the point.

Tess slapped him...five times.

((LINE))

"Oh woe is me, woe is me! Whatever shall I do?" Jak melodramatically asked the author, "If only I was any bit in character I might kick thy ass of Torn by this present time, but alas, I fear Keira's love for me may be fading!"

"Well, Tess didn't wanna have an affair with you...but we have a faithful reviewer who does..." the author told him.

((LINE))

In a dark closet somewhere in the back of the Naughty Ottsel, Vin and Kleiver were full on pashing, making out and frenching...whatever you wanna call it.

**(Line here)**

**Jak: Must have been a pretty big closet to fit KLEIVER!**

**yes, yes it was, ok people, this isn't one of my bests, I know that so I guess I need some fresh ideas! Keep them coming!**

**Jak: Yeah... that's it... let more people tell you how to torture me...This is madness! Go back and update your profile...AGAIN!**

**EROL!**

**Jak: Gotta go!**

**Review people, and tell me what you wanna see next!**


	11. Beware the Shiny Object

**EDITED! This chapter was a lot of fun the second time around! This is the eighth chapter I've edited and re-posted in a row today... I'm on a roll!**

**((LINE))**

**(Evil grin)**

**Jak: You're getting better at those.**

**Thanks Jak! I'm also getting better at torture!**

**Jak: What have you and Erol been planning?**

**(Evil grin) **

**Jak: ...I'm scared**

**You should be...Oh and before I forget, I don't own anything, if I did Jak would be even more afraid!**

**Jak: Not possible**

**((LINE))**

**Beware the Shiny Object**

Erol walked aimlessly through the bazaar, looking for nothing in particular.

Suddenly something shiny caught his eye and he wandered over to where the shiny thing was glinting in the sunlight.

"Shiniest item on market, you like?" It was Brutter as the shiny thing was in his stand.

"Didn't you sell fish or something?" Erol wondered out loud.

"Fish smell bad, Lurker brothers ran. Buy shiny item and Brutter will kiss you foots!"

"Deal." Said Erol happily, he payed several thousand Precursor orbs for the shiny object along with a power cell. Where he got the power cell I will never know, he must have got into the first game while I was sleeping.

"Now kiss my feet!" Erol ordered in a threateningly low tone with a small hand gun to Brutter's head.

((LINE))

Jak was innocently walking around a corner when Erol came sprinting towards him.

"Eek!" screamed our brave hero, forgetting his ability to turn purple.

"Jak! Look at the shiny thing I brought... The shop keeper kisses feet for free!" Erol held the shiny thing out in front of him with his palm flat.

Without warning there was a small flash of blindingly bright light and Jak was left with a dazed complexion.

"I love you, Master" Said the brainwashed Jak to the overjoyed Erol.

Erol kissed Jak passionately and Jak replied hungrily.

"Would the others understand our love, Master?" Jak asked Erol as he stroked his orange hair lovingly.

"Does it matter? All that matters is you and me...And what we have," Erol crooned.

"Nice hair?" Jak asked.

"No, love!" Erol corrected him angrily.

His face softened, "Wow...Only several thousand orbs and I get Jak! Let's go shout it out to everyone!"

They kissed once again and all the civilians watching died. They just stopped living!"

First of all they linked arms and skipped off to Keira's house.

When she tried to jump into Jak's arms and he stepped aside and she fell to the ground and broke a pot plant and her father set a hippy plant on her and the hippy couldn't find his meat cleaver and her father killed the hippy and Jak kissed Erol, she knew something was wrong.

"Erol and I are in love!" Exclaimed Jak happily and Keira fainted back into Torn's waiting arms.

Next the happy duo skipped to Spargus and told Damas who gave Erol the concerned I'll-kill-you-if-you-hurt-my-only-son speech.

Next on their list was whoever they ran into at the time. This happened to be Seem, Kleiver, Sig, Vin, Onin, Veger and Razer. Don't ask why those last two were there... or any of them at all.

"May the Precursors bless you with many shiny items. I fear the re-making of the world is at hand... so there will be many shiny explosions and bits of debris!" Said Seem.

"Great! Now, about me nappy, HELP! It hasn't been changed in two months and it's a squishy bugger to sit on," said Kleiver as he tried to take off the nappy.

"Listen cherries, WTF to the max on this one... Jak! Watch your six! It's under assault! Oh no wait, that's ok, he's allowed to assault you!" said Sig.

"Uh... That's just great, like I haven't got enough to worry about. Now I have to deal with my best protector going soft and soppy eyed over a carrot top," moaned Vin.

"For many moons I have waited for a juice box! And a jewel shop! And I have hairy legs! And a hairy chest! And my toe nails have shiny paint on them!" said Onin...But nobody knew that because to them she simply waved her arms around.

"I was rooting for those kids to get together; this is the happiest day of my life!" said Veger as he cried into Razer's shoulder and blew his nose on his big red coat.

"Damn I was hoping I would end up with one of you, it's so hard being a homo in a big red coat, children hug me because they think I'm Santa and mothers throw bricks at me because they think I'm a paedophile!" said Razer.

Erol, in reply to all responses got down on one knee.

"Jak, my love, my hope, my dreams, my heart, my kidney, my liver, my soul, my stomach, my shininess, my good fuc-"

"Get on with it!" Angry-arm-waved Onin.

"Hurry up, this is killing me" Sobbed Veger.

Erol took a deep breath but was interrupted.

"Onin! There you are! I've been looking all over for you! Who is stronger? ME, or this scrawny orange thing? Hint: It's me!" It was Pecker...Interrupting Erol's proposal.

Onin waved her arms around her head.

"What do you mean you want us to fight to prove ourselves?"

"What she meant to say is she KNOWS I'm waaaay tougher then you but she wants to give you a fair chance, birdbrain!" Daxter quipped.

At that last word Pecker lunged at Daxter and they rolled over and over until they got very dizzy.

"Enough rolling orangey...uhh... thing...!" Pecker screeched.

Daxter smashed his full body weight into Pecker's chest who retaliated by grabbing his shoulders and trying to push him back. Daxter did the same.

They continued to try and drag each other to the dusty ground, occasionally tiring for a second or slipping and banging chests together. This hurt a lot and they stopped.

Jak and Erol quietly slipped away to Erol's house where there was golden sheets and red candles.

((LINE))

A few hours later Jak and Erol walked into the Naughty Ottsel with smiles on their faces.

Then the stag night began!

Everything was going great. Jak was drunk and pashing a sober Erol in a corner.

Kleiver was still trying to take off his nappy.

Vin was trying to get Kleiver into the closet.

Sig was stripping, with Praxis, while singing in high pitched gibberish.

Damas was taping everything for future viewing fun when they are all really old and wrinkly.

There was a secret camera taping everything straight to Tess' T.V. where Tess and Keira sat side by side giggling hysterically, although Keira was still upset.

Torn was pulling Christmas bon bons by himself and running around pretending to be whatever little thing he got out of it, "I'm a scaaaaaary spider!" He said in a spooky voice to Vin, who had a heart attack and fainted.

From outside voices were heard as though there was a wrestling match going on outside.

"Oi! Not the feathers!"

"I think you put a kink in my tail!"

"What was that, a fish hook? Is that even allowed?"

"Feels like a fly punching me!"

"Is that the best you can do?"

"If I did my best you would be dead!"

"Bring it on rat!"

"Take that bent beak!"

"What do you call that?"

"Nipple cripple!"

"I don't have nipples! Suck on that!"

"Suck what?"

"Krew!"

Daxter and Pecker rolled into the 'Ottsel in a flail of fists and feathers.

"...FOODFIGHT!" Jak yelled.

Tacos, meatballs, pizza, fish fingers, sausages, Vin, chips, beer, celery, pudding, G - Strings, chocolate, toe nails and raspberries flew everywhere.

Suddenly Krew crashed through a wall and Pac Man style flew around eating all the flying food. ULMP! ULMP! ULMP! ULMP! ULPM!

((LINE))

"Jak! Wake up! It's our wedding day!" Erol jumped on Jak like a child waking its parents.

Jak woke up.

"!" He screamed and turned purple.

The shininess had wore off.

Dark/Purple Jak cut Erol's head clean off his shoulders.

Krew ate the body.

(**Line here)**

**Erol: I'm dead! We never discussed that!**

**Jak: Ahem...coughIDidcoughcough**

**Wasn't that a great chapter Jak?**

**Jak: Why can't I be the dead one! I had no idea what was gonna happen except for the end! I don't believe you! How could you do this to me!**

**Tess&Keira (Playing the tape again): !**

**Jak: did Keira have to watch it!**

**Yes!**

**Jak:(Has re read the script and gone into shock)**

**Erol: I love you Jak, even though I'm dead, you will remain in my heart.**

**Jak: (Has a seizure)**

**REVEIW! ... Please. Or you will get smallpox.**


	12. Of Ghosts and WTFness

**EDITED! Firstly, I took out the first bit of the author's note and the rest is just some maintenance on the spelling and grammar.  
I'm quite fond of any chapter that includes ghost Erol, I'm actually thinking of changing the name of **_**Insanity**_** to **_**Insanity: the Ghost Erol Saga**_** or just **_**The Ghost Erol Saga**_**... but **_**Insanity**_**'s a classic... so I probably won't. Ever noticed that it had no plot... until I killed off Erol? **

**Erol: =D Don't I know it!**

**Jak: Some plot that is... "Erol becomes a ghost and tries to scare Jak to death while the world goes insane around them."**

**If the edit and the original author's note thing confuses you... it's like this: The edit is first and then ((LINE)) and then the original. I always indicate if it's an edit note. If there's an edit at the end I always will put it after a ((LINE)) below the original note.**

**((LINE))**

**Jak: ...Aren't you dead?**

**Erol: You never know, I might just be dead...**

**Jak: Wtf...**

**Ok, here's chapter 12! **

**((LINE))**

**Of Ghosts and WTFness**

Torn lay in the middle of the street, curled into a tight ball and singing happily.

_"I'm a peanut, small and round,_

_Lying on the cold hard ground,_

_Everybody steps on me,_

_I'm as cracked as I can be,_

_I'm a nut! (Click click), in a rut!_

_I'm a nut! (click click), in a rut!"_

Indeed, people were stepping on him as this was just too great an opportunity to miss, after all he had sent many people on countless suicide missions and this was their revenge.

((LINE))

Jak was sitting around in his house doing nothing worth mentioning.

It was dark outside, as it was night and the general idea is that it is dark at night.

Jak turned on the TV. Buffy was on.

"Oh hello there gentle viewers, you just caught me catching up on an old favourite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery, don't they just take you away?" (A/N: From the episode _Storyteller, _season 7. (Owned by Joss Whedon)

Jak turned the TV off. "Bloody poofs... LEAVE ME ALONE!" He yelled at the blank screen.

"Did I hear the voice of my lover?" said a painfully familiar yet colder voice.

"Oh Mar, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Jak mumbled, covering his ears and eyes as best he could.

"Mwahahahahaha! I am here, on a mission from the place where I went when I was brutally murdered but am sworn to secrecy so I cannot tell even you, Jak!" said the painfully familiar voice.

Jak forced himself to look, but he didn't see anyone.

He felt cold.

"Where are you?" he asked

"Right in front of you! ...Oh no, wait, I'm invisible. Wait, I'll turn it off."

Erol appeared floating several inches above the ground.

Jak looked over at his washing and thought he should get it done.

Then he realised he was looking at his washing through Erol.

Then he realised that Erol is now a ghost and therefore can't touch him.

"Haha, you're a ghost and therefore can't touch me!" Jak voiced his thought.

"No, I can't but I am not here to touch you" Erol began to explain.

Jak breathed a sigh of relief.

"No, I am here to avenge my own death, you see as a ghost I am almost back to my original self, the way Naughty Dog would prefer, in a manner of speaking."

Jak nodded, not knowing if this was a good or a bad thing. He noted the use of the word "almost".

"Now, as I can't touch you, I have to try and scare you to death." Erol continued.

Jak fainted.

"My work is done" Erol said solemnly.

Just then, Torn rolled in, still in a tight ball, and pointed out that Jak wasn't dead.

((LINE))

Vin hummed a chirpy tune as he faced down death, the dark makers glared fiercely at him,

"Asta la vista, baby!" Vin yelled before whipping out his machine gun that was bigger than he is.

He shot them all until they were beyond dead, they were just a bloody mass of entrails.

"Oh I just love the sight of blood, I don't mind the taste either." Vin mused as he looked lovingly at the entrails.

Suddenly Onin appeared, and she was speaking.

"Heya handsome, save some of that lust for me." She said in a surprisingly young and sexy voice as she twirled her feather boa around her manicured fingers.

Vin run and bumped into Ashelin, well more like bounced off her.

He bounced into the air in a mass of lollipops and candy canes flying across the purple sky and the candy clouds of lullaby smiled at him as he looked down upon the paper flowers.

"VIN!" Someone was poking him.

Vin woke with a start and peered up at Daxter and Pecker.

"Sorry to wake you from your slumber but you were smiling like a mad man and we thought you might wanna tell us about it." Pecker said, smiling like a mad man.

"Yeah! We were curious to know if you were gonna be getting a hard on!" Daxter was to the point.

"You insolent and disrespectful prick!" Pecker raged as he lunged for Daxter.

"Hey guys, don't fight like that, do it the way with minimal chance of me getting killed like you probably want" Vin reasoned.

So the thumb war began!

"1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb war!" Daxter started.

"4, 3, 2, 1, who shall be the strongest thumb?" Pecker finished.

"Wait! Pecker, do you have thumbs?" Vin asked the monkaw.

"Uhh ...I have wings... with nice feathers... Umm..." Pecker sighed in defeat.

"This isn't over, bent beak! You can't get away from ORANGE LIGHTNING that fast! Zazazing!" Daxter stated as he did his little dance move thingy.

So he randomly smashed his head against Peckers head.

Pecker retaliated in the same way.

They continued to bang heads until they were very dizzy.

"Let us take this outside, in the rain." Pecker said.

They found a nice, sizeable mud puddle.

Pecker, once again, flew at Daxter before he was ready for it and knocked him over.

Daxter punched him as hard as he could in the groin.

Pecker kneeled over and fell unconscious.

Daxter repeatedly kicked his limp body in triumph.

**(Line here)**

**This is more of a fill in chapter than anything else so its allowed to suck.**

**Erol: I'm a spooooooky ghost! Ooooooo!**

**Jak: And you can't touch me! Hahahaha! AND I'll have you know that I don't scare easily!**

**Erol: Oh, I think I'm becoming corporeal...**

**Jak: Eek!**

**Erol: Oh yeah, it's so hard to scare you!**

**Shut up you two! Or I'll be evil and start writing a proper chapter!**

**Jak: Nah ...review, people...**

**Jak&Erol: Minions out!**


	13. Merry Christmas

**EDITED! Again, the first half of the author's note is gone. It would've been awesome if I got this one back up in time for Christmas... but oh well. **

**((LINE))**

**Erol: This chapter is dedicated to all our wonderful reviewers ... MERRY CHRISTMAS!**

**Ok, since I'm feeling happier today I will attempt a Christmas special! Sorry if it's not good, I've been a little off my game lately. Oh, and I own nothing!**

**((LINE))**

**Merry Christmas !**

_Jak: __  
Crushing Daxter's balls,  
My Christmas is complete,  
Driving to and fro,  
Krew's shitting all the way!  
__  
Krew: __  
HEY, EY!_**  
**_  
Daxter:  
__Tess' Christmas dress,  
Makes my tail tingle,  
What fun it is to look and see,  
Her underwear in sight!  
__  
Tess:  
__Oh my God, Dax please stop,  
My dress is way too short!  
How silly of me to think I could,  
Where a thong without  
keeping him from my lot!  
__  
Daxter:  
__Hey!  
__  
Kleiver:  
__A day or two ago,  
Vin dumped me for a gun,  
And now he shoots whenever I,  
Get near to him in the slight!  
My nappy was full with shit,  
Misfortune seemed my lot,  
Until my Vin shot me there  
And now it's all I've got!  
__  
Krew:  
__Oh, Chicken roast, custard tarts,  
I'm eating the whole day!  
Oh, what fun it was when I caught Torn,  
Smoking Samos' log!_

_The look upon his face,  
Was priceless as I sat  
On top of him and ate him up,  
Much to Jak's Delight!_

_Erol:_  
_Oh Jak why can't you see,  
I did love you once  
But now I am a ghost,  
You killed me dead and now I'm fed,  
Up with your sweet ass!  
Oh! I'm so mad, _

_Now you die to come join me here,_

_It's not so bad so don't be sad,  
I'll take care of you.  
__  
All:  
__HEY!_

They all finished their version of Jingle Bells with slightly shocked expressions at Erol's verse.

Erol looked pleased.

So he started to sing his own solo.

_"Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you tore it out, this year, to save me from boredom, I'll scare you to death so you can join me ..."_

Everyone blocked their ears, especially Jak.

((LINE))

Daxter and Pecker had eaten a lot of pudding and were stuffed beyond belief. No, seriously, they were really, really, really fat. Like, slightly less wide then Krew.

"I caugh' you lookin' up my Tessie's dress, die you over stuffed turkey!" Daxter yelled at Pecker, who indeed resembled something like a colourful turkey.

Daxter lunged at Pecker ...well, rolled more like .

They banged together and shifted weight from foot to foot, trying to gain balance over each other. They ended up falling over ... It looked wrong, two fat animals attempting to sumo wrestle on the ground just outside the bar.

So after a few people wolf whistling at them, they stopped and went inside to catch the last of the carol being sung:

_On the twelfth day of Christmas,_

_My true love gave to me:_

_Twelve ghost busters, (-Jak)_

_Eleven naked Jakkies, (-Erol) _

_Ten thongs a-snapping, (-Torn) _

_Nine midgets roasting, (-Krew) _

_Eight bars for drinking, (-Sig) _

_Seven incest fines!, (-Damas, directed at Praxis)_

_Six sexy daughters, (-Praxis) _

_Five Spanish monkaws! (-Onin, arm-waving) _

_Four racing cars, (-Rayn) _

_Three red coats, (-Razer) _

_Two Daxter plushies, (-Tess) _

_And a nappy full of my crap (-Kleiver)_

"Wow ...they killed more carols..." Daxter observed.

"This might be a good time to end this fic" Jak pointedly said to the author.

**((LINE))**

**Alrighty... I know this is the worse Christmas fic of all time but I felt like I really should write something!**

**Erol: I liked it**

**Jak: Yes, but you're insane.**


	14. Birthday Surprises

**EDITED! Again, updating this would've given me something to do on my birthday... I really hate the day it falls on.  
I can't wait for when I get up to the newish chapters so there's much less work, if there's any at all, to be done!**

**((LINE))**

**Ok, I know I should have done this BEFORE the Christmas special but I only just came up with it.**

**Jak: I don't like that evil glint in your eye...**

**Erol: I do! She's been so good to me, I'll admit - she did kill me, but I'm still in the fic!**

**Well, in this chapter, since it's my birthday today, Christmas Eve, I'll be going through a lot of characters and what they would like on their birthday.**

**Jak: I knew there was something wrong here, if Erol gets what he wants most, then... Oh Mar, what are you doing woman!**

**((LINE))**

**Birthday Surprises**

It was Pecker's birthday and he was having a party at the Spargus stadium. All his friends and some not so much friends were there, along with Damas' harem of love birds.

Pecker really liked the love birds...

But Daxter was selfish and asked everyone what their ideal birthday present/party would be.

((LINE))

Veger started off as expected.

"I would like to take over, and rule the world for just a day. I would make up a new law that states that I must rule for eternity or we all perish, so no one could take my power away from me! Mwahahahahaha! Then I would learn all there is to learn about Mar and his work and control the very power of the ancient ones!"

Everyone that sat close to him scooted away.

A KG came by and caged the deranged ottsel and took him away.

Krew was about to open his mouth to start talking about a huge gun that shoots food and money when Sig interrupted:

"Well cherries, my perfect birthday involves kicking metal ass and then curling up with a glass of warm milk and my little poopsie bear ...ah good times..."

There was a stunned silence.

Then ghost Erol spoke up, "I think that I would most enjoy a Jak-In-The-Box... that's if I were alive... Since I am a ghost the ability to eat or a way to scare Jak to death so he can join me would be great..."

"Did someone say eat?" Krew asked, licking his lips.

"All I need to have a good birthday is my widdle Daxie-poo... and some new clothes, and a pink house in the country side with a white picket fence and a four poster bed for me, and a little ottsel run on the side for my sugar puss, also maybe some more lingerie for my huge closet for lingerie only and maybe... Some socks for my sock draw, and a little muse for my whisker puss to play with when I'm gone, oh and I'll need a new shopping buddy since Erol died... I think that's all, no wait, one more thing... a Daxter themed party with pink balloons!" Tess squealed in delight at the mental picture she was having, her tail was vibrating with excitement.

"But, you're and ottsel to ... just like Daxter... Do you really want him playing with a muse or sleeping in a cage while you get a bed?" Keira asked.

Tess couldn't see what was wrong with any of that.

"My perfect birthday," Keira began,

"Involves me being naked," Jak finished for her with a sly grin.

Keira nodded and cuddled up to him.

Erol's mouth watered, _I need to scare Jak to death soon._

Uh... Say Jak, does Keira look pregnant to you?" Erol asked Jak innocently.

The plan worked, Samos came out of nowhere and started to beat Jak to death. "NOT.'TILL. YOU'RE. MARRIED!" He whacked Jak with every word.

Jak got mad. When Jak gets mad, he turns into Dark Jak. "Wanna taste of purpleness?" Dark Jak asked Samos.

Samos ran away.

_"Damn,"_ Thought Erol.

_"Damn,"_ Thought Keira.

Onin waved her arms around and made shiny symbols.

"Oooo, shiny," everyone present chimed.

"Onin says, she wants to know what Daxter could possibly want," Pecker translated the shininess.

Daxter gave an evil smirk and nudged Pecker. Pecker gave an evil smirk and nudged Onin. Onin gave an evil smirk and waved her arms around her head.

Suddenly Daxter and Pecker were 50 feet tall.

Everyone ran for it.

Praxis didn't make it.

Pecker picked him up and ripped him in half, giving Daxter the other half.

"Hey! I'm still alive!" Praxis noted.

Then he was swallowed.

"Still living!" He could only faintly be heard now.

Then Daxter squished Krew and got fat juice all over his foot.

Pecker laughed, so Daxter once again, lunged for him.

It was the scariest arena fight ever, so scary that the monsters in question got scared.

So they went to the Naughty Ottsel where it was less scary.

They grappled with each other, squashing civilians as they went and hardly leaving a scratch on one another.

So Pecker evilly moved on top of the bar, Daxter followed and they fought there.

Until it all caved in.

Daxter was so angry that he found a big McDonald's sign post with a large M on it and started beating Pecker with it.

Daxter succumbed to tears for his beloved bar and shrank, as did Pecker.

But that didn't stop them from wrestling in the mess until they passed out and moved no more.

**((LINE))**

**Jak: Happy Birthday! Thank you so much, why don't you write what happens on Keira's birthday now? Yes?**

**Erol: Why would she do a crazy thing like that?**

**Jak: Because unlike you, I'm straight!**

**Stop it guys, I'm trying to use my thoughts to make people review !**

**Erol: Sometimes I wonder about you...**


	15. The Randomness Continues

**EDITED! The next few chapters after this short one are the best trilogy of all time...**

**((LINE))**

**Ah, finally after two weeks of nothing, there's another chapter suddenly here!**

**Jak: What a lovely holiday that was for me, I'm over everything!**

**Erol: I missed this!**

**Jak: You would! (Reads legal documents) And DEA owns nothing. (Reads script) And this is the worst opening line in history!**

**The Randomness Continues**

Pecker flew into the Naughty Ottsel heavily drunk. 'I'm Spanish superman; I can't fly so I use a rope!'

'You just flew!' Daxter pointed out.

Torn walked to some place and found Samos.

Samos was having a hard time standing up. 'Oh I was afraid of this; my log has grown too large for me to hold up!'

Torn snickered.

'No log jokes!' Samos screamed at him. 'It's not my fault, you're just jealous because you want one!'

'At least I don't have a bird shitting on my head 'cause I don't know when enough is enough with showing that I'm a green sage, have you looked in the mirror lately? I can't help but wonder if you're all green or just the parts that touch the eco all the time, or if all of you _does_ touch the eco and/or plants in which case you sick, sick bastard!' Torn ranted at him.

Samos thought of his favourite plant that he loved more than his only daughter. 'Nooo...'

It was true, he loved that plant but what Torn was insinuating was decidedly bad for plants and Samos wouldn't wanna hurt it.

In a mass of fur and feathers, Daxter and Pecker were at it again in the middle of Spargus.

For those of you with dirty minds: no, not that!

They were fighting which in case you hadn't noticed, isn't uncommon in this story.

They were both mad that they weren't big anymore, but this was just in the background, the more exciting thing going on was Kleiver, wearing his nappy as usual and spinning in circles. This is a strange thing to be doing in the middle of Spargus some of you may be thinking.

All of a sudden Darth Vader came down on the death star and took off his mask to reveal that it wasn't Darth Vader at all, it was Barny the dinosaur, 'I am your father,' Barny told his abandoned son.

'Well that explains a lot, who might my mother be?' Kleiver asked.

'...Lala the teletubbie,' Barny told Kleiver.

'Well that explains less.'

'When you were taken to this dimension your form changed to an elf' explained Barny.

Then they hugged and Barny held up a photo of baby Kleiver in his true form.

It was a little purple teletubbie with dinosaur feet and an antenna like his mothers but bigger and messier and his T.V. only showed Barny.

Kleiver privately liked his elf form better.

Barny left with a photo of Kleiver to show Lala.

Once Pecker and Daxter had finished their fight, which Pecker had won and flown off yelling 'Another mission completed by Spanish super man! I can't fly so I use a rope!' Daxter felt bored so he rounded a corner and spotted ghost Erol, planning something...

**That was a rather short, unplanned chappie...**

**Erol: Who cares? I like the sound of that last line!**

**Jak: You would, people this story is just getting weird. We need fresh ideas, anything that could take it back to when it was funnier!**

**It's sad that **_**Nightmares**_** has more reviews then this story with a lot more chapters :(**


	16. Ghost Erol's Secret Power, One of Three

**EDITED! Well here we go, a re-visit to my favourite trilogy! I feel so much better about all of this now that it's becoming more presentable. **

**((LINE))**

**I have no idea how I'm gonna make this chapter work 'cause I just make it up as I go along, but if all goes well I'll get nice reviews! I'll try to use characters everyone should know but it won't matter if you don't, it's not that important. All characters and places belong to their respective creators. This includes the Buzzy Bee Bop song.**

**Jak: By now you should have everyone's attention.**

**Erol: Either that or they're thinking "Wtf, I know the characters, that's why I'm here" or something to that effect.**

**Jak: Erol, let go of my hand!**

**Erol: Oh sorry, you looked scared.**

**He certainly does now...**

**Ghost Erol's secret power, One of Three.**

Ghost Erol had been planning something, as we all know from the end of the last chapter.

He pulled a piece of parchment from his pocket and read the list of ghost rules and possessions he was allowed.

_RULES:  
1. Cannot walk through people invisibly just to scare them unless it is your primary target.  
2. Cannot haunt any one place for too long.  
3. Cannot enter toilet/bathroom of the opposite sex  
4. Cannot think about supplies inappropriately, no matter how kinky they seem.  
If any of these rules are broken you will be banished to a fate worse death. No, not Davy Jones' locker!  
SUPPLY'S:  
-Standard socks, two pairs of.  
-Re usable blow-up doll, one of.  
-Steel chains, three of.  
-Romantic Candy, one bag of  
-Unlimited secret powers, three of.  
-Unlimited not so secret power (invisibility), one of._

_NOTE: No supply's can be used on self apart from ghost powers at any given time. _

Erol was having trouble obeying rule 4 and the tempting rule 1. Not that he could think of any uses for the socks, but the rest would come in handy on his mission to scare Jak to death.

His first plan involved one of his secret powers.

I bet you're wondering what they are.

Well today he's gonna use his ability to make people think they are someone else!

So he worked his ghostly powers on the group that was in the port, Jak just happened to be there. It was Erol's thinking that if he did this, one of them would kill Jak thinking he was someone else.

He wrote down who was who so he wouldn't get confused as he looked on.

_Keira: Pregnant with Jak's baby  
Kleiver: Random 2 Year Old  
Torn: Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)  
Jinx: Barnaby the Busy Buzzy Bee (The Fairies)  
Daxter: Yoda (Star Wars)  
Jak: Dark Jak  
Samos: Samos  
Tess: Random Crocodog  
Praxis: Erol_

The next twist to this power was Erol could make them all think Jak was different people. This is how it came to pass that:

"Pregnant Keira" thinks Jak's the father.  
"Random Two Year Old" thinks Jak is going to change his nappy.  
"Jack Sparrow" thinks Jak is The Kraken.  
"Barnaby" thinks Jak is Elf the Fairy Cake Maker.  
"Yoda" thinks Jak is a Jedi.  
"Dark Jak" thinks he wants to kill everyone except Tess, who he thinks is Pink Tess. And Erol, who scares him.  
"Samos" thinks Jak got Keira pregnant.  
"Random Crocodog" thinks she's a boy dog and Jak's a pole.  
"Erol" thinks Jak is sexy.

Complicated even for me ... I always manage to confuse myself.

Erol made Jinx Erol because he wanted to see what would happen for the fun of it. There were no rules about that!

((LINE))  
  
SAMOS

'Daddy, I'm pregnant' Keira told Samos.

'WHAT?' Samos exploded then came back to life. Some people have all the luck.

'Daddy, you heard me, I'm shocked you haven't noticed my huge baby bump, I'm due any day now!' Keira showed Samos her apparent baby bump which didn't actually exist.

'By the Precursors, who did this to you? Was it Jak?'

'Obviously. Daddy, go easy on him?' Keira pleaded. But it was a lost cause; Samos was already marching up to Jak, ignoring Torn who thought he was on the Black Pearl for reasons unknown and irrelevant to Samos.

When Samos reached Jak, Jak swiped at him with the claws he thought he had.

'Grraaghh!' Said Jak.

Samos whipped out a Vulcan Fury gun , let out a war cry in slow motion that sounded a lot like Dory from Finding Nemo saying 'Virgins forever!' in whale.

But as he war cried in slow motion, Jak did what he thought was a dark bomb but all he really did was belly flop Samos into the ground.

'Daddy!' Keira cried, 'Jak! You're not proving to be a good father!'

TORN

Torn was looking at Jak curiously, _How could the Kraken be back alive, Calypso must hate me_ he thought.

Jak turned towards him in a menacing sort of way.

'Shoo! Shoo!' Torn insisted towards Jak as he clutched his emergency jar of dirt.

Torn, thinking he was Jack Sparrow, was standing on the edge of a bit of random rubble that he thought was his boat, he was franticly trying to make it get into the port, away from Jak.

Torn wondered where the Black Pearl could be as Jak closed in on him, stepping aboard the chunk of rubble, Jak went for a dark strike.

Torn was horrified as "the Kraken" swiped tentacles at him.

The befuddled underground leader looked around wildly for rum but on finding none yelled 'Dive, dive!' and jumped into the port and started swimming away.

KLEIVER

Kleiver wore only his nappy as he sat against a building licking his lollipop.

'Hehehehehehe, crazy tattoo man funny!' He babbled as he dribbled down his chin.

This drew Jak's attention.

On seeing the large, battle scared, moustached "two year old", "Dark Jak" grinned maliciously.

'Scary man, clean my poo-y nappy!' demanded Kleiver.

Hehe, this is fun.

Jak inched closer.

Kleiver managed to get his nappy off and stood in all his glory.

The big naked man threw his nappy at Jak who tossed it aside and laughed coldly.

He tried to dark bomb, when that didn't work he used a catapult. Kleiver flew back into the wasteland where the marauders drove away from him in all his nudity.

JINX

Jinx was joyfully finishing his song and dance.

_'Hip, hop, buzzy, buzzy, buzzy,  
Flip, Flop, buzzy, buzzy, buzzy ,  
Bip, bop, buzzy, buzzy, buzzy bee._

He laughed as he stopped swinging his hips and turned towards Jak.

'Elf! There you are BZZZ, I was wondering if you would teach me how to make Tricky Treats! The tots were asking me and we couldn't find you, BZZand then Wizzy came and did some of his wonky magic and I spent the last half hour with my head stuck in a flower,BZZZ then I nearly fell into a grumble bush like Rhapsody did that time BZZand then the mushrooms were mad at me- Why are you looking at me like that?'

Jak was glaring at Jinx like he was his next meal. Which he wasn't but he would certainly be dead if he continued to buzz around like a bizzy buzzy bee.

'Elf?' Jinx felt ignored, it was hard being a kid's show character in such a violent world. 'Looks like Elf the Fairy Cake Maker has a bad case of the grumbles' He said to the readers. 'We're gonna have to use the special fairy call to call the fairies, maybe they will know what to do! Ok, you ready? Here we go. Fairy one, fairy two, fairy three! HARMONY! RHAPSODY!'

By this time Jak had made his way towards the strange parody of Barnaby the Bizzy Buzzy Bee.

'Elf? ...Where are the fairies? ...Elf?' Jinx backed away into a sulk as Jak bitch slapped him and turned away.

'Elf must have fallen into a VERY big grumble bush' Sobbed Jinx.

DAXTER

Daxter sat cross legged, in his mind he thought he was floating and thinking deep thoughts.

He studied Jak. 'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to SUFFERING' Daxter imparted his words of wisdom to Tess as she cowered away from a threatening looking pile of dirt.

Jak turned menacingly to Daxter who picked up a stick that he thought was a light sabre and got ready to test the young "Jedi."

Jak, in his Dark Jak state of thinking was pretty pissed off at this point. How many weirdos were in this city section?

'Much rage you show. Many regrets your soul has.'

This sort of talk was giving Jak a headache, so he did what he thought was use dark Jak invisibility.

He snuck up behind Dax but as he wasn't really invisible, Daxter knew he was there but he didn't know he wasn't a super strong little green dude.

Jak knocked him down easily and turned his sights to...

TESS

Jak once again found himself very attracted to Tess, thinking she was Pink Tess.

Jak ran towards her, not bothering to question why she was on her hands and knees barking.

But a voice stopped him.

'Jakkie Poo! Wanna see my new boxer shorts?' and with that the owner of the voice lifted the skirt of his red upper class medieval style dress to reveal green boxers with a picture of Jak naked feeding Erol grapes.

Jak didn't seem to notice that it was in fact Praxis. Nor did he notice the author's love for making dead characters alive.

Jak stood there in shock that was only broken by Tess peeing on his leg.

Then he ran for the hills like his life depended on it and still managed to live even though the real Erol's attempt seemed fail proof.

Nobody said it was fool proof.

**Jak: I think it's safe to say you're mental and will never be cured.**

**:) Thanks Jak**

**Erol: Leave her alone Jakkie, I loved it.**

**Jak: you would. **

**Pecker: I want to appear in this chapter!**

**Daxter: Why are we doing the author's note as well?**

**Pecker: Do not question the author! Draw pistols!**

**Daxter: Way ahead of ya (Shoots Pecker who doesn't die)**

**Jak: GO AWAY!**

**Erol: Yeah ... Jak's had too much coffee and its 11:14 PM!**

**Jak: Are you judging me? Die you son of a bitch!**

**I think I'll just upload this now ...**


	17. Ghost Erol's Secret Power, Two of Three

**EDITED! Ghost Erol FTW! **

**((LINE))**

**Ok, I'm sick with a cold but thanks to Dark Fox Tailz, here's a new chapter!**

**Erol: (Hyperactive) SCREEE!**

**Good to see someone loves me...**

**Erol: Hehehe :) I'm afraid my heart truly belongs to Jak though (Goes misty eyed)**

**Where is Jak, by the way?**

**Erol: I think I saw him bite through his bonds and run for it when you decided to start writing again.**

**Right, go chase him while I type this up, will you? **

**Erol: As you command! (In distance) Ooooh Jakkie-Poooo...?**

**Ghost Erol's Secret power, Two of Three**

Erol watched as the last effects of his power wore of.

Jak was still alive.

This was gonna be harder then he thought.

Ah, but was he thinking at all? That was more for amusement; he possessed another power which was sure to work! He chuckled as he watched "Torn Sparrow" swim through the port in search of his nonexistent hat. Until the effects wore off entirely and he forgot what he was doing in the middle of the port yelling about a hat.

Kleiver randomly skipped past in a green and yellow tutu.

Erol was glad that that wasn't his fault.

'MWAHAHAHAHA' Erol cackled then he unleashed his next power: The power to make people start fights over little things, the smaller the thing, the bigger the deal!

"Oh yeah, the after life is sweet!' Erol smiled to himself. Once he had Jak in his grasp he would be free to go do whatever dead people with no missions do and even better, be with Jak!

He did whatever it is ghosts do and suddenly fights were breaking out everywhere.

Pecker was reluctantly flying Daxter over all the chaos below, not that he cared much for him, but if he died, who would there be to argue with?

'I wish to fight, squirrelly bastard! I have been checking out your floozy.' Pecker confessed.

'Oh. That's alright.

'I put the moves on her.' Pecker couldn't understand how the first attempt failed.

'Everyone does,' Daxter smirked.

Pecker was unsure of what to make of these reactions and in confusion said something about saying hi to her.

'WHAT? You spoke to her in that casual manner? Die you filthy talking stuffed chicken!' And with that, Daxter bit Peckers foot, which was holding him.

Pecker released him then swooped to catch him again.

This continued but each time Pecker let him fall lower from a higher level 'till he was only just saving him a few centimetres from the ground.

Daxter finally figured out that biting the feet that carry you is not a good idea. So he pulled out a feather.

Pecker cried out in pain.

So Dax pulled out another, and another, and another, and another, etc, etc.

Pecker was filled with rage so he skimmed over a tree just low enough for it to scratch Daxter.

Enraged, the little ottsel pulled out most of the Monkaw's wing feather on the right side as they were flying over the wasteland.

With uneven feathers, Pecker slowly spun out of control and hit the ground with a thud a little after he had dropped Daxter.

They began to wrestle and grapple until they couldn't stand.

So they kicked at each other from their odd positions on the ground until they got so worn out that they passed out.

Good 'ol Torn was walking aimlessly around with Jinx, they walked into the bazaar where Jinx was secretly planning to let off a bomb for kicks.

Torn began to eye of the last pie in Sig's new stand (Which also happened to sell chilli peppers and teddies. But mainly an assortment of pie).

As it turns out, Jinx also wanted the last pie.

Torn got there first; this made Jinx VERY angry.

So Torn let him hold the pie whilst he visited the little Torn's room.

Aww. Little Torn's room :)

Jinx took this time to place a grenade in the pie and pull the pin.

He threw it at the toilet block and ran of laughing madly to set of some bombs in the port to create a tsunami and earthquake and go down in history as "Pyro Jinx the Terribly Magnificent" with footnotes about all his lady friends.

Jinx made a silent agreement to himself not to blow up any book stores while he was in the history books.

The grenade pie would go off at any minute.

Jak was safe and alone, oblivious to the fighting going on around him.

He was in his hot tub.

Free of worry and stress.

Erol was trying to look through the window.

Jak loved that Erol was dead.

...Until he walked straight through the door and casually asked why he wasn't dead from all the fighting going on.

**Jak: What was I wearing in the spa?**

**Nothing.**

**Jak: I was afraid of that. (Bangs head on desk)**

**Erol: I thought that was a pretty cool chapter. Too bad Jak's not dead though.**

**Jak: (Bangs head on wall)**

**You know, that might be hurting you for life...**

**Erol: My poor Jakkie! Here, let me make it better (Massages Jak)**

**Jak: Oooooh, ah... WAIT A SEC! Fuck of Erol!**

**Don't worry Erol; he'll warm up to you eventually.**

**Erol: They always do ;)**


	18. Ghost Erol's Secret Power, Three of Thre

**EDITED! Oh dear... a SI chapter. I took out anything that could make me seem like a Mary-Sue. **

**((LINE))**

**(Evil Grin) Ok Erol, here is your last secret power. Will it kill Jak? Will this story ever end? If Jak is killed will Erol get what he wants? Will they still be in this fic?  
No one knows. Except me of course, 'cause I'm writing it.**

**Erol: Ooooh the anticipation!**

**Jak: Eep.**

**Ghost Erol's Secret Power, Three of Three**

Erol grinned evilly at the thought of unleashing his third and final power on the unsuspecting citizens of Haven and Spargus.

Oh yeah. This would be good.

So, barley controlling his excitement, he started working his ghostly magic, this just happened to be a song and dance.

He began to swing his jacket above his head, singing:  
_'It's raining Fan Girls!  
Hallelujah it's raining Fans!  
Hey, hey!  
All over the men!  
Fan Girls fall from the sky!  
Hey, hey!  
I'm hungry for pie!  
Hey, hey!  
It's raining Fan Girls!  
Hallelujah it's raining Fans!  
Hey, hey!'_

He bowed to no one in particular as Fan Girls did indeed begin to fall slowly from the sky.

It was midnight and everyone was sleeping peacefully in their beds, completely oblivious to the torture that was destined to befall them.

The Fan Girls quietly landed. They were large in numbers.

Instead of creeping to where ever they wanted to go, they went nuts; they screamed out various characters names and started rampaging through the city.

Jak groggily looked out of his window of HQ. What he saw frightened him.

'STAMPEDE, EVERYBODY UP, FAN GIRL ALERT!' This awoke all who were staying there but they were lucky, the fan girls were saving HQ for last.

The Girls ran to Spargus, their leader in front, leading them.

I bet you've all guessed who this leader is; it is of course, me.

**(A/N: Jak: WHAT? THAT CANT BE GOOD! SELF INSERT ALERT! NOW IS THE TIME TO PANIC!)**

Dark Eco Angel stormed through the streets with her troops; they stopped in front of Damas' palace.

'Attention!' DEA yelled at her "army" but suddenly was unsure of what to say next, 'umm... Show no mercy! For you will be shown none! Now, forward march, storm the palace! And bring me the lifeless form of the King! Uhh ...actually, bring him to me alive!'

The Fan Girls did as instructed by their fearless (coughscaredoffirecoughcough) leader and snuck in through the windows.

Mere seconds later Damas was over powered and brought, kicking and screaming to his own front door.

'EEEEE!' screamed Dark Eco Angel as she glomped him. The rest of the Fan Girls followed her example.

This continued for a minute before they marched onwards to the wasteland where they forced Kleiver to wear a sports bra and threw pies at him, they then hugged and tickled Sig who wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry.

They also came across Seem and bombarded the Monk with questions about if he/she is a guy or a girl.

A little way away, Daxter and Pecker had just woken from their pain induced slumber.

As though they had never passed out, they continued fighting.

It seemed the last power Erol used never wore off on them because they were not conscious.

Don't ask, I don't get it either.

'I'll teach you to wake up next to me with no recollection of what we did yesterday!' Pecker yelled at Daxter as a lunged for him.

They tumbled for a bit before punching, biting, kicking, pinching, gnawing, anything they could think of that could inflict pain on the other.

By the time they were out of breathe they both had huge chunks of fur and feathers missing all over their bodies.

They were roused from their deep breathing by the sound of heavy footfalls. The Fan Girls were approaching. Fast.

'OhMyGawdTheyAreSooooooooCute!' They said in unison with shrill voices.

Dark Eco Angel made a note to herself: Get a better army, one that actually knows how to use guns at least and won't be afraid to break a nail. Scratch that last note. Kill them all after the mission is complete. Seek and Destroy Veger.

Daxter panicked. 'Pecker, fly us away!'

'Do not order me, you pulled out too many of my feathers you dim-witted country simpleton!'

'Don't you talk to me like that; you look like something out of the sixties!'

'The what?'

'I don't know, it was in the script!'

'You can't have a script in a fan fiction, Rat!'

'I can have whatever I bloody well like!' And just to prove this point, a castle with a mint chocolate pool appeared. Girls were jumping in.

That was great, but it was soon to become the Fan Girl's Fortress.

'RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN' yelled Daxter to Pecker as they did just that.

But they had spent too much time arguing.

They were glomped, kissed and used as puppets.

Oh the horror.

Next Stop: THE PRECURSORS.

Somehow the Fan Girls got to the core or where ever it was that the Precursors reside, they went crazy over them.

'Call them off or I am afraid I will have to hurt them.' Ottsel Leader told Dark Eco Angel calmly from the clutches of an Asian girl.

'Haaa, the pretty smelling girl gives me the respect I deserve!' Ottsel Dummy rambled, referring to a tall, brunette girl.

'Yeah, you like, get that a lot' Ottsel Surfer told him sarcastically.

'Alright ladies, onward to the power station!' commanded Dark Eco Angel.

On the way they egged the palace.

When they finally got to the power station, Vin was immediately glomped and had his cheeks pinched.

His screams could be heard in Sandover. To be heard in another time is a very loud scream indeed.

In Sandover, Mute Jak just happened to be in Keira's room. Samos thought that it was Jak that had made Keira scream and never forgave him.

Back to Haven.

The Fan Girls had already glomped some FL's and were about to storm HQ.

'Alright! It all comes down to this; we were called to do what Erol wants' DEA stated dramatically.

'EROL!' Squealed that Fan Girls happily.

'Love Jak. To the death!'

'YEEEEEAH!' Squealed the Fan Girls.

'I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me, one day Fan Girls will fall, but it is not this day! This day we fight!'

'...huh' The Fan Girls were now confused, they weren't very good with sentences that probably came from a movie they never watched.

DEA felt that she was losing her army's interest.

'CHARGE!' she yelled and they burst up the elevator all at once which was pretty difficult.

When the door opened they spilled out all over the floor in a tangle of awkward arms and legs.

Torn stood alone, surprised at the amount of dresses that went up.

DEA walked up to Torn and smirked evilly.

Then she glomped him.. Torn held up his gun but DEA's was already up.

'You can expect that if you don't co-operate,' she told the leader of the Underground, motioning towards the Fan Girls who barley containing their delight at the thought of glomping Torn.

'I'll tell you nothing!'

'Your dignity is at stake.'

'I'll tell you everything!

'I'll expose your secret.'

'Alright already, I said I would talk, wait... What secret?'

'Give up the renegade!' she commanded.

Just then Jak jumped out from his hiding spot and demanded that Torn and DEA get away from each other before they blow each other's brains out and he has to mop blood off the walls. He only just finished polishing them.

The Fan Girls seized him and began to torture him with hugs and kiss', trying to love him to death.

Jak got made when he was groped inappropriately and went Dark on them.

He Dark Bombed them back to Fan Girl Land, which just happened to be the castle they stole from Daxter and turned into a fortress.

All that was left was DEA without backup.

Damn, she knew she should have gotten a better frontline, but Erol insisted...

**:) That was fun!**

**Jak: You were a little Mary-Sue-ish...**

**Which is why if I were ever to write a self insert... I shouldn't, because they all seem to be Mary-Sue.**

**Erol: I have Mary Sue's AND Fan Girls working for me, and yet Jak is still alive... **

**Jak: Love me to the death? Shouldn't it be FIGHT me to the death?**

**Nope, there's nothing worse than the love of a Fan Girl!**

**Jak: You got that right...**

**Anyway, people,**** I really need reviews this time, if I don't get enough I might abandon this story!**

**I promise I won't be appearing anymore if I do continue, Paradise Eco is the only one who has a good excuse not to review, the rest of you have the future of this story in your hands, if there is something you would like to see, tell me.**


	19. Class Captain Speech

**EDITED! This was written somewhere at the beginning of year 10 for me, slightly less crazy =P**

**((LINE))**

**Guess what guys, randomness is in demand!**

**Jak: Should we give it to them?**

**Erol: We should :)**

**Class Captain Speech**

Out in the wasteland, there is a slot machine.

Sitting at the slot machine was Seem, who had been there for several days.

There was also Samos running past chasing a chook but I won't go into that.

Jak came by, bringing with him a whole army of metal heads. They started a war.

In the middle of this war was Seem, seemingly oblivious to the war around her.

When Jak had killed the thousands of metal heads, he asked Seem what she was doing.

'Whatcha doin'?'

'Gambling'

'Why?'

'To win'

'How long have you been here?'

'Don't know.'

'Can I try?'

At this point Seem hissed and scratched at Jak who ran away screaming.

Meanwhile, at the back of the Naughty Ottsel, Erol was floating past Samos who was doing something with a knife and a fish.

He regretted asking Samos what he was doing when he got the answer: 'Boning a fish.'

Ahh Vin, who doesn't love Vin?

Erol doesn't!

Poor Erol wanted to be class captain back in year 10 and Vin got it just because people felt sorry for him! (A/N: Erol is way younger than Vin ... For now we shall just say Vin got prematurely old)

Ah yes, Erol's speech was pretty good in his eyes, he had worked so hard on it, then Vin wanted to "improve" it for him. It wasn't that Erol was dumb; it was that Vin was smarter and likely to make his speech as good as his if he fiddled with it.

That was a mistake.

_...::::FLASHBACK::::..._

_'Oh err... here Erol, I'll fix up your speech for ya,' Vin grabbed Erol's paper and scribbled what seemed like a whole new speech underneath what was already written._

_Before Erol had time to look at it, the teacher called him to read it out. Erol hoped Vin wrote something vote inducing._

_He walked up to the front of the class and cleared his throat. His friends wolf whistled and a blonde girl blushed as Erol opened his mouth to speak._

_'Hey. I think you all know me, I'm Erol and I wanna be your class captain for this year. I have had past leadership roles as an SRC back in the day,' some of his friends chuckled at the inside joke._

_'Um, yeah I am willing to put forth all ideas and thoughts to the people working above me.' He smirked; lots of people got that joke. The blonde chick's friend nudged her; Erol noticed this and smiled at the blondie._

'_I have great listening and speaking skills and work well with others, these skills I will use to their fullest extent if voted for.' Erol hesitated, in the original it stopped there and he was going to say "thank you." He turned the sheet over and began to say what Vin had written._

_'In addition, I eat cheese on Sundays...' he trailed off, turns out Vin was sabotaging his chances at being class captain. The teacher leered at him, 'continue,' she ordered coldly._

_Erol took a deep breath and decided to get this over quickly like a band-aid, he waited for the laughter to die down before continuing._

_'And I collect green roses everyday at dawn. My pet snail thinks I have issues but pay no attention to her, she also thinks Orlando Bloom is hot and would look better as a snail so she could marry him and give birth to roast potatoes. That's enough about my snail... or not._

_I enjoy the odd game of Crockett with my snail who always wins because she can do telekinesis. Before I go to bed every night I salute the moon then pass out from lack of cherry pie. I want to open a stall and a snail farm and make an army of snails to match the cats and turtles! All this proves that I am a caring person and that is why I think I should be class captain.  
P.S. Bananas are cool for kids.'_

_There was an outburst of laughter both with him and at him._

_...::::END FLASHBACK::::..._

Erol shuddered at the memory.

He floated past Daxter and Pecker on his merry way to haunt Vin.

'I'll teach you to eat my pie, Rat!' Pecker screeched as he ducked Daxter's sword.

Erol thought it odd to see a sword fight in a world of guns.

The little balls of fun were pretty good with the normal sized swords which should have been too heavy.

Daxter swung the shaft around and chopped Pecker's arm off. Erol didn't think this very sporty and possessed Daxter to cut his own arm off.

'Big gelatinous orgy of octopi,' said Tess to Keira as they walked past. We shall never know if she was possessed or if she said that off her own accord.

Krew was floating around being fat.

Mizo sneezed.

Samos gutted an otter for his din dins.

Keira turned her nose up at otter meat.

Keira invited Jak over for tea.

They kissed.

Samos kicks them out.

Problem over!

Kleiver wore a pink frilly nappy to his year 12 formal since it was a special occasion.

It comes as a shock to nobody that he didn't get a date and was shunned all night til' he was chucked into the wasteland for being such a reject.

Oh how I hate that he has a sort of Aussie accent...

Razer went mad and thought he was Jigglepuff.

Keira dyed her hair red with yellow streaks.

Daxter thinks orange is the new black.

Torn has small bouts of random hyperness in the evenings of Wednesdays.

Erol can't think what to do with his blow-up doll.

Jak is worried Erol will think of what to do with the blow-up doll.

Keira misses Erol in solid form.

Tess does too.

Rayn also is sad.

The blonde girl from year 10 missed Friday nights with Erol.

Erol had a girl for nearly every night of the week.

Lucky bastard, thinks Jak.

I finished my raspberry pie!

Torn bought a pink crocodog.

Vin ate Dobby's sock.

Voldemort's on the phone to Jinx.

An evil plot is imminent.

Veger wants some vinegar for his alter in Honour of himself.

Krew ate the alter.

Veger's mad.

The fangirls have cameras.

BEWARE!

Little Jak begged young Samos to teach him ballet.

Young Samos hurt his back and Torn had to do it.

Hehehe Torn is tights.

Mog and Grim ate cheese in a zoomer.

Shiv thought Edge was a vampire and tried to steak him.

Yes you read right, steak.

Idiot.

Cutter and Sig are long lost brothers.

Seem is their cousin.

Damas stole Praxis' pudding and that is why Praxis stole the throne.

**Jak: Ooooo you're vicious aren't you?**

**Erol: Pie is good.**

**I think so too. Well here it is people, proof that this story shall continue til' the day I die or have my hands lopped off or something like that or if I get sick of writing it.**

**Damn, I gotta be careful, I could lose my arms now that I've said that!**

**Jak: (Hides chainsaw) What makes you think that?**

**Erol: Can I say something else?**

**Sure Erol, what did you wanna say?**

**Erol: Umm... I forgot... Tadpole?**

**Jak: ... **


	20. Easter Bilby Saves the Story

**EDITED! A bit early, but still in time for Easter!**

**((LINE))**

**Erol: (pokes DEA)**

**Jak: Is she dead?**

**Erol: Well Insanity hasn't been updated in a while... But then again there were other stories... **

**Jak: Maybe her plot bunny hopped away to see the Easter bunny?**

**Erol: Yeah, I bet that's it...**

**Easter Bilby: Hi! I'm the Aussie Easter Bilby and I will be your plot bilby for this morning!**

**Ah, hello, you took your time; I thought the readers were gonna leave!**

**Erol&Jak: She's alive!**

**((LINE))**

**Easter Bilby Saves the Story With Easter Cheer! This fic never did make any sense... is there even a plot? I think I'll just get on with it instead of making an annoyingly long title... oops, too late!**

Every year in Haven and Spargus, Ashelin would dress up like a bunny (Of the playboy variety by accident) and hop around, leaving chocolate eggs in everyone's garden. The author of this fic however, has seen to it that she died a slow and painful death. This then left this task to another someone. This someone just happened to be Dobby. Err... Sorry wrong plot, it was actually everyone's favourite hot cross bun, Torn!

It was late at night and Torn was pulling on his costume.

He checked the mirror image of himself.

'Shit!' He had put the wrong costume on. He was wearing a leather bikini.

The reason for this mishap was that it was dark apart for the lights around his fancy, mirror/dressing table.

He groped around his costume box 'til he pulled out another one and put it on.

This time he looked a lot like Will Turner.

'Damn it... stupid dead Ashelin and her stupid box of fantasies...' Yes indeed, all in this box were because of Ashelin's fantasies.

He picked up another and looked at himself.

Except it wasn't Torn looking back. It was Jak.

At this Torn swore loudly and kicked the box.

He tried on other costumes before he found the right one.

A Christmas fairy,

Wizzy the Wizard,

A cheeseburger,

Damas,

Dark Jak (who hasn't thought about _that_?),

A carton of Milk,

A big pink blob,

A sock,

Dobby,

Gollum,

A can of Red-Eye,

A bottle of Red-Eye,

An orc,

Kreacher,

Sirius Black (yummy book version),

The statue of David,

A pie,

The number 23,

The letter T,

An onion,

Puss in Boots,

A harpy,

A unicorn,

A pipe organ,

A pipe bomb,

A pipe.

Yes, Torn tried on many costumes.

Finally, at the bottom of the box he found a big, pink, fluffy bunny costume, complete with basket of eggs.

He walked outside, only to have his tail squeezed by Jinx, 'bop, bop.'

Torn shuddered and walked on his merry way, throwing the choccy eggs and houses as he went.

He saw things he never even knew happened at night; Daxter could be seen through a random window, possibly Jak's house, putting a petri-dish in his mouth.

Chances are he was stoned because Jak clearly was. This was bluntly obvious by the way he was chatting up a hot cross bun, which had some "magic" dust in it.

When all of Haven was covered in chocolate, Tornikins went to Spargus for some reason and did the same.

After this long and painstakingly slow night, Torn crawled into bed for about an hour before Jinx came jumping on him to get up like an excited child.

'Torn! Get up! C'mon, come see! The Easter Bunny's been!'

Outside on the streets people could be seen scrambling around collecting eggs. Some had built forts with them and were having an egg fight.

Everyone was having a great time. That was until a great shadow fell over the land. People cowered in fear as the mighty Krew drew ever closer to the chocolate.

In one almighty 'Ulmp!' All of it was gone.

**((LINE))**

**Jak: Oh the horror! The horror!**

**Erol: Shh, it's ok, my love-**

**Jak: (runs off screaming)**

**Easter Bilby: Hahaha that was fun to inspire! **

**Wanna stay on the team?**

**Erol: New A/N friend? Yay!**

**Easter Bilby: Happy Easter, or whatever it is you're celebrating at this time of year!**


	21. BONUS! Easter Fight!

**EDITED!**

**((LINE))**

**Easter Bilby: HAPPY EASTER!**

**Erol: You said that last chapter.**

**Easter Bilby: Yeah but it actually **_**is**_** Easter today!**

**Jak: Do I even get mentioned here?**

**Erol: Sure you do! Jak. There, that's your mention.**

**This is a bonus chapter for Dark Fox Tailz!**

**!BONUS! Easter Fight!**

Daxter awoke on Easter morning and leaped up with glee. Yes, I know, this is the second Easter morning for this fic but since when do I make sense?

He ran around like crazy on the Easter hunt that Jak had set for him, for some reason he had also set mouse traps for him.

Pecker was also having an Easter hunt in Onin's tent.

They both collected all they could find and loaded their little flowery baskets and machine guns.

Pecker loopty-loopted towards the meeting place in the new and improved farm section with extra rocks.

Daxter skipped and flipped towards the meeting place in the new and improved farm section with extra rocks.

They arrived.

They faced each other.

They cocked their guns into position.

They took out some Easter eggs from the basket.

And whipped them at each other!

Pecker dodged all the small ones but copped a huge one in the face.

He licked it clean.

Light Jak flew over and perched himself on a rock.

Daxter was losing somehow, which was weird since Pecker doesn't really have hands.

Light Jak thought he had better do something so he slowed time down for Daxter.

This turned out pointless since he started bashing into the eggs off his own accord.

Now that they were going slow, they could aim better but still sort of manage to kick them out the way with the right timing.

Light Jak didn't think this was any fun so he stopped slowing down time and used the mass inverter (A/N: I think that's the right one...) to make them float AND be slower.

Pecker threw his last basket egg at Dax and got his machine gun.

Daxter did the very same thing.

Both guns were thrice the size of the both of them put together and both guns were loaded with thousands of tiny Easter eggs. Some real ones were painted as well because Jak and Onin had run out before he decided it was enough.

The guns roared into life and eggs slowly made their way at the opponent.

Just for effect, Jak used the blaster to shoot some of the real eggs so they were already yoke when they reached the feathery fighter and fury fiend.

Then, guns blazing still, they dropped to the ground, soaked and chocolaty and too busy cleaning themselves to be bothered fighting anymore.

**There you go, Dark Fox Tailz! One fight scene served up hot! Sorry for the Jak being there thing but I felt the need to make them float... **


	22. Return of the King, err Jedi, umm FG's!

**EDITED!**

**((LINE))**

**Ok, thank you strange stories I write for my friends and josh who reviewed a request for the return of the fan girls! You can have cookies.**

**Erol: I've read those stories, I'm in one! I died laughing!**

**Jak: I think I was too! YAY!**

**You two are awfully chipper, you do realize this is a new chapter for **_**Insanity**_** don't you?**

**Erol: YAY! **

**Jak: Grr... DEA owns nothing. I wish that included this "story line."**

**Return of the King... err, Jedi... Umm... Fan Girls. Yeah. Return of the Fan Girls!**

It was a beautiful day in Haven, the sun was smiling like a magnificent googy egg and the sky was as blue as Keira's hair. Well, the parts of it that aren't green. Wonder if that's natural. I bet hair dye didn't exist in Sandover... maybe her mum is a blue flower and her exposure to green eco tinged it green... but that theory doesn't make Samos sound very good considering what he would have to do with some weird flower...

Umm... moving on.

Erol was happily doing an Erol dance in this wonderful egg-and-Keira-like sunshine when a thought struck him. He hadn't done a lot to scare Jak to death in awhile. A took out his bit of parchment (as seen in "Ghost Erol's Secret Power, One of Three") to re-read.

_RULES:  
1. Cannot walk through people invisibly just to scare them unless it is your primary target.  
2. Cannot haunt any one place for too long.  
3. Cannot enter toilet/bathroom of the opposite sex  
4. Cannot think about supplies inappropriately, no matter how kinky they seem.  
If any of these rules are broken you will be banished to a fate worse death. No, not Davy Joans' locker!  
SUPPLIES:  
-Standard socks, two pairs of.  
-Re usable blow-up doll, one of.  
-Steel chains, three of.  
-Romantic Candy, one bag of  
-Unlimited secret powers, three of.  
-Unlimited not so secret power (invisibility), one of._

_NOTE: No supplies can be used on self apart from ghost powers at any given time. _

It's almost as if I copy and pasted that from its original context...

Erol was thinking the blow-up doll would be handy when he figured out what to do with it. The chains could be useful... 'hehehehehehehehehehehe... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... hehehehehehehehehehehehehe!' Erol giggled and laughed evilly and giggled some more as he thought about the awfulness of the chains.

Back at the Fan Girl Fortress that they had acquired the last time they appeared in this fic, DEA was assembling her army. Her plan was to send them on a suicide mission to kill Veger and capture Torn. They were sure to fail.  
Her secret second part of the plan was to then get a new army.

Lost in her thoughts, DEA forgot that her Fan Girl army were staring at her expectantly. Awaiting orders.

'You know your mission, now go and make war your own!' DEA was then shot at by Damas who had appeared and was angry, 'line thief!' he yelled and went back to wherever he came from.

Presently, Erol had Jak chained to a chair and was force feeding him romantic candy hearts. He also had forced Jak to wear the "I heart Erol" socks and wear a red wig. Jak looked quite ridiculous.

Poor Jak...

Just then, the fan girls ran past on their way to kill Veger and couldn't resist glomping Jak while he was tied up. Some got a bit too naughty with him and Erol got jealous so he made his blow up doll look like Jak and threw it away. The army went wild and chased after it.

The Fan Girl Army found Veger with no desire to glomp him.

They then set their sights to Torn. DEA had been clear with them: "No ordinary Fan Girl can out smart him, I'm putting the Mary-Sues on the front lines!"

The Mary-Sues charmed Torn away from HQ and into DEA's conveniently placed cage

This cage was large and furnished with beds and fridges and taco stands and other stuff needed to survive.

Daxter was happily feeding Pecker to his pet bin when Pecker decided he didn't wanna be bin food, this started a fight as you were expecting the moment you saw their names.

'Let go of my body you orange (colour) orange (fruit)!' This insult puzzled Daxter, who didn't have the helpful words in the brackets.

Pecker drew his sword and shield. The orange orange copied his actions. They had a very Troy like battle in which Daxter stabbed Pecker a lot and then dragged him around on the back of his chariot while Pecker's poorly acted brother and his stolen girlfriend and father and wife and baby watched.  
Ok, not exactly Troy-like. For one Pecker has no family as far as I know and he wasn't dead. He was pretending so he could get his strength back and stab Daxter with a piggy bank. It didn't really matter what they were stabbed with because they weren't gonna die thanks to me.

So they used everything and anything they could find.

Yes, including their tails.

No, not that... you smutty minded readers.

The Fan Girls reported back to their commander happily and demanded she share her captives.  
DEA wasn't a happy chappie.

She started formulating another suicide mission for them.

DEA then went to her gun collection and started hunting Krew. She was out for blood, if he has any. Fat juice would do. As long as he was dead while secreting it.

DUN DUN DUN

**Easter Bilby: HELP! **

**Jak: (Shoots the Easter Bunny) Finally! I've been hunting wabit aaaaawll day. Hahahaha.**

**Erol: Umm... I love this chapter!**

**Me too, but that's because I'm in it. This time I think will be the last time Fan Girls appear. Unless they're requested again. :)**

**Jak: COOOOOOOOOFFEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm drinking COOOOOOOOFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**You know, maybe you should lay off that stuff, that's the seventh mug you've had in a row...**

**Jak: Oh dear.**

**Erol: What?**

**Jak: I need to pee.**

**Erol: Well, and this is the only time I will ever say this to you, GET AWAY FROM ME!**

**I'd say we should go before Jak starts pissing out the window but he already is, so I'll just say... REVIEW AND MAKE ME HAPPY! Also, ideas would be great.**

**Erol: Peace out!**

**Jak: Piss out! ...Of the window!**

**Erol: DEA's gone; do you think we should go too?**

**Jak: Nah, now is the time to PAR-TAY! (Starts dancing on table and singing SOS by Rihanna in screamo)**

**Erol: If you're gonna do that then DEA should be here! She could restrain me from jumping you!**

**Jak: Eep, I'll be good! (Sits on floor, shaking like a chihuahua)**

**Erol: Peace out!**


	23. Jak's Dream Almost Came True

**EDITED! Yes, I'm editing chapters back up again. I'm now doing a course in Professional Editing and Proofreading so I don't really have an excuse not to edit or proofread anymore...**

**((LINE))**

**Erol: Woah, hello I thought Jak shot you...?**

**Easter Bilby: No, that was the Easter **_**Bunny**_**, not me. I'm too clever for Jak! Plus I have great reflexes and can read your next move in your eyes! I'm super fast and pretty adorable too so don't mess with the bilby! Because I can also-**

**Erol: (Grabs the Bilby from behind) Go, go, go! Do it now! Do it now!**

**Jak: (Jabs the Easter Bilby with a tranquiliser and ships him off to New South Whales) There, looks like we won't be seeing him for a while! **

**Erol: To josh I've been instructed to say that Erol may not even... hey! What did she mean I might not be alive again? Well at least that's only a maybe... anyway DEA also said it's hard to cram all characters in every chapter and then they are forgotten but hopefully that won't happen again. Also something will happen in this chapter to prove how much she hates Ashelin, Well, she doesn't HATE her, she did but she's growing on her. It's still fun to pick on her! And the last thing I was bidden to say was that yes she has heard of **_**The Lost Frontier**_** and she thinks it's also on PS2. Where is DEA anyways?**

**Jak: No idea! It's a Friday night and she was so exhausted she just collapsed on the couch with a stack of DVD's and told me to write the chapter!**

**Erol: Why not me?**

**Jak: Because then we would have a repeat of **_**Beware the Shiny Object**_** but without the part where I kill you!**

**Erol: I'm already dead :). So you're in charge of this chapter?**

**Jak: Yes.**

**Erol: So then why are we still talking? Write it!**

**Jak: I'm stalling for time so the word count counts a lot and all I have to write is a few puns and I'm done!**

**Erol: If you don't do this right I will and there will be lap dancing involved between me and you!**

**Jak: Eeeeeeek! I'll do it!**

**Erol: Good, DEA will check it later and add bits in about you to make it fair.**

**The Women Go Crazy For Jak! **

One dark and breezy night Keira, Ashelin and Tess were lusting over Jak's perfect arse when suddenly they decided to feed him grapes and wash his back.

'Oh Jak!' the womenfolk cried, 'let us please you in sexual ways!'

Things started to heat up so they-

**Woah! I so did not authorise this! Ok now I'm writing this properly, and Erol? If Jak tries this again, you can write a chapter ;)**

**Jak: (Hides)**

**Jak's Dream Almost Came True**

Veger was drinking vinegar and doing a vulgar strip tease on Ashelin's grave when suddenly Samos threw a tomato at him.

'Ah! My leg! OW!' Screamed Veger, as he held his arm in a soothing way. Samos was puzzled at this so he threw a peach at his head. 'My arse!' yelled Veger in pain. This amused Samos so he threw a nut at Veger's foot only to find that although Veger did hop around, it was his hand that he seemed to think was in pain. Samos bashed him over the head with his log. 'MY ARSE! MY PRECIOUS, BEAUTIFUL ARSE!' yelled Veger, clutching his head in pain. (A/N: Veger is clearly delusional here, I'm fairly certain his arse is in no way precious or beautiful)

'Well, that's different...' noticed Pecker, examining his rather large, 167ft body.

Daxter did the same and then got an evil idea...

He lunged for Pecker and knocked him back.

Now there's two options that I, as the author, could go for here. They could fight or do something a lot more sinful and tempting to write. But I don't feel like upping the rating so they shall just fight.

Pecker did a swooping motion with his wings and Daxter was blown back away from him, onto a large building and effectively squashed it. Daxter brushed himself off, totally unfazed, and bitch slapped Pecker until they both saw stars. Pecker grabbed his arms and dragged him to the ground and held him there with one foot, and kicked him with the other.

Kleiver came twirling by in his pink tutu and threw flowers and magical pixie dust at them.

The giants took the time to star at him in bewilderment before starting up again.

Daxter ripped off a piece of palace and started beating Pecker with it, who reacted by tripping the huge orange fuzz ball up and sitting on him, digging his ass into his stomach.

This is the moment that Samos and Onin chose to walk past, making out.

The gargantuan hybrids were a little frazzled by this so they gave up their fight and just started running amok in the city, hitting big buildings with bigger buildings.

**And now, as revenge on Jak trying to take over MY fic, I bring you this. If you are afraid of Jak/Torn love I suggest you skip it...**

In a clearing in Haven Forest Jak and Torn were hard at it, getting down and dirty very noisily.

Keira's pet lyrebird randomly walked past and being what it is mimicked the moans and groans and other noises associated with what the boys were doing.

The lyrebird, whose name was Sgog, returned to Keira and repeated the parts that involved "ah shit, Torn!" and "grip me harder Jak!" Needless to say, Keira was VERY angry.

Vin eats tomatoes.

Ashelin's turning in her grave.

Veger's stripping on her grave.

Sgog is an evil lyrebird that does Keira's evil bidding, including stalking Jak to make sure he doesn't cheat.

Torn was intoxicated at the time of mentioned romp above.

Jak was drugged by Erol. The mental ghost's intention was that Jak would be so ashamed he would die.

The big, pink flabby thing became a second moon high above where it can eat all the space it likes.

Jinx says the chairs and tables need LOVE!

Sig sings a slow, sad song about a dying man called Odo.

Damas and Praxis make a truce, their common ground being that they both love olives.

This chapter is rather odd.

Suppose I'd better end it...

**You know what? This is my favourite part of the chapter!**

**Jak: Oh Mar, I had a perfectly good story idea so you wrecked it with your... other idea.**

**Erol: TORN? Torn must die...**

**People, flames are expected but be either gentle or brutal! If that makes sense.  
Also, tomorrow I go to see **_**As You Like It **_**at a theatre with my drama class, has anyone seen it and is it good?**

**Erol: Love to the beautiful reviewers and silent readers. Now please, press the purple button below and we shall be eternally grateful, for good reviews is mostly why a lot of people write. And possibly they need to get their random ideas out and shared.**

**Jak: I'm sorry I think he's drunk...**


	24. The Cliffy to End All Cliffies

**EDITED!**

**((LINE))**

**Well here we are again!**

**Jak: Yes. Here. Again.**

**Erol: You sound a little flat Jak, you should be happy!**

**Yep, and you know why? Because it's a new chapter! Sorry there hasn't been much in the way of updates lately, I've started writing a novel that I hope to get published and there hasn't been much in the way of inspiration for my ff! But I'll give it a go and see if I can produce anything funny off the top of my head.**

**The Dax/Pecker fight and Keira trying to kill Torn belong to Ari2Earth.**

**Erol (singing): **_**His name was Erol! He was a show boy! With pretty flowers in his hair and a dress up to there**_**... umm what are the words?**

**Jak: Never you mind! I'm hungry... what's for eating?**

**Well there's the coconuts Erol's wearing under his shirt... I ate the delicious lemon meringue. Let's go find some more food!**

**Erol: On with the chapter!**

**The Things that Can Happen When Brownies and Therapists are Involved**

_'I'm Dreaming of a blue Fishmas, just like the ones I used to know!'_ sang the Sandover fisherman happily as he did bad things with a trout, alone in his boat.

Out in the wasteland Pecker was taming Metal heads.

There's no reason for this. He just was. Sounds like a silly thing to do, huh? Yes I agree. You could die. So don't try it at home, or while you're out. Got that? Wanna take notes? No? Alright then... I guess I'll get back to what I was doing, er...what was I doing? Oh, right. Taming metal heads.

Daxter, as you were expecting, walked up to him and jabbed him in the eye with a spork. 'BEWARE THE SPORK OF POKINGNESS!' Dax yelled at the bewildered monkaw.

Then a female metal head took a shine to the little orange fuzz ball and let him ride her.

Pecker hopped onto another one and the metal heads started running around a ring. A joyride, some might say.

But there was no joy.

The colourful hybrids rode close to each other so as to use riding whips to attempt to kill one another.

Told you there was no joy.

Daxter cracked his whip and tore flesh from Pecker for about an hour before Pecker decided to move and did the same.

This resulted in two comical skeletons riding metal covered creatures and brandishing bloody whips.

But it didn't last long. There's nothing you can do once you're a skeleton. They collapsed in a pile of bones then resurrected themselves and repeated the process.

**((LINE))**

Keira loaded her gun and watched her target from a distance. A big distance.

Three miles away.

She has a really good scope.

Her target was Torn, who happened to be having a bubble bath with a pink rubber ducky and a pink shower cap with green flowers on it.

The murderous woman with hair the colour of a smurf aimed and shot.

An hour later Torn was still in the bath as a bullet came through the window and embedded itself in his rubber ducky.

'NO, Vin Junior! Live! Live! LIVE!' Shrieked Torn and started giving the bath toy mouth to mouth.

Three miles away Keira cursed to herself. She sent out her lyrebird, Sgog, to do her dirty work.

'Go and kill Torn. There's a good Sgoggy.' She cooed.

'Oh Torn, you're the big bad!' replied Sgog in Jak's voice. Whoever has read _Tomatoes are Irrelevant_ will know where he got that line from.

'Yess Preciouss. Torn, Nassty little thief that he iss! Go Preciouss, go!' Keira now creepily resembled Gollum.

Jak sat in an office 99999999999999999 floors high.

Yep. Most of you should have guessed by now where he is.

'Hello Jak, come in and sit down and let's talk about what's troubling you before I put you through a few easy tests that will help me to determine what needs to be done.' said Ms Clark in a sickeningly nice, calm and polite voice. Jak sat down and began to stuff his face with the brownies that were sitting on the neat little desk.

This all seemed vaguely familiar to Jak but he let it slide.

'Hi, my name's Jak and I'm an alcoholic... no I'm not, sorry I forgot what I was doing.'

'Yes, I remember you from chapter 5. You were the silly little boy who thought he was being stalked by our most beloved commander. May he rest in peace.' Ms Clark smiled like she could read Jak's thoughts.

'Umm he was stalking me and he still is and he's not resting.' All these things were very true. This was proved when Jak spotted Ghost Erol outside the window, floating past nonchalantly. That was until he spotted Jak and pressed his nose up against the glass. A strange feat considering he should have gone straight through it.

'Jak I have tried to tell you countless times, Erol is not stalking you, especially since you murdered him and from what I heard you invited him into your bed. So I think that maybe you were stalking my good friend Erol, not the other way around. You, my child, are disturbed.' Ms Clark still sounded light and just. But she wasn't. Not one little bit.

'I'm tellin' ya lady! If you looked behind you right now you would see Erol! He's transparent and thrusting at the window but he IS there!' This time Ms Clark placed a hand on Jak's.

'My dear, I thought that I could help you but you are lost to the lies that surround you. I am a therapist and it is my duty to tell you that all this lying and thrust-talk and insulting my deceased friend could earn you extra brownies.' As she said this Ghost Erol pulled up his skirt to reveal a picture of him and Jak married as ghosts and then proceeded to do the can-can.

Jak held his tongue and watched.

Erol then composed himself and started to make the words "I Love Jak" with the clouds. The "Love" was represented with a love heart.

Then the Special-Forget-Every-Single-Little-Thing-About-The-Meeting-Except-The-Brownies Brownies started to work and Jak grinned lazily as Erol wrote "Jak is my Sugar Plum" and started to tilt his head and drool.

'If you would please excuse me, I have a shop to open. Thank you for your time, Jak.' Ms Clark smiled sweetly once more before exiting the room.

Jak stared happily out at the gay ghost and waved in his stupor.

Erol twirled and was suddenly wearing a fairy dress. He floated to Jak, into the room. He threaded his chains around Jak's neck ever so tenderly and whispered sweet nothings in Jak's ear.

TO BE CONTINUED

**Jak: Oh Mar... Please oh please don't let me die in the arms of HIM!**

**Will Jak survive? Will the brownies wear off in time? Did Ms Clark plan this? Will Erol complete his mission? Will his boxer shorts come true? Review and you will see. If not... well you will never know what happens...**

**Erol (singing): **_**I feel so pretty, oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and-**_

_**Gay!  
**_**Come on, sing with us Jak!**

**Jak: I'd sooner eat my own scrotum.**

**Alright, this may just be my first cliffy so review and... I dunno, tell me what you want to happen? Yeah, that would be good. Peace out! XD**

**Erol: Happy reviewing!**

**Jak: AAAARRRRRHHHHH (beats self with spaghetti)**


	25. Jersey Yakkows, Pink and Rainbow!

**EDITED!**

((LINE))

**Why hello there chickadees!**

**Erol: Hello yourself.**

**Jak: I'm surrounded... please oh please let this chapter go well for me, I don't wanna die. I don't wanna be Erol's love bucket!**

**Who said you had to be a love bucket? You can be his love fu-**

**Jak: DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE!**

**-cket... **

**Erol: (Smiles like a maniac) Write! Write! Write!**

**Ok, ok, I'm writing!**

**Erol: (Perverted smile in Jak's direction)**

**Jak: (Bangs head on desk and passes out)**

**Erol: Hey... he's not conscious... (Thinks of the possibilities) Erol's loving arms. Happy. Complete. Snuggles.**

**Erol! Please don't influence Jak's dreams, You've already driven him insane. Besides, do you want Jak to dream of you or do you want me to write about you and Jak and the possibility of a love fucket?**

**Erol: I'll be good... WRITE DAMNIT WOMAN, WRIIIIIIITE! (Grabs DEA hands and shoves them above the keyboard)**

**Jersey Yakows, Pink and Rainbow**

'You know you love me.' whispered Erol tenderly in Jak's ear.

Jak was reminded of Paradise Eco.

Erol tightened the chains around Jak's neck and Jak's face began to change an interesting purple colour.

Suddenly Sgog burst into the room yelling 'Now, as I can't touch you, I have to try and scare you to death' in Erol's voice, followed by Keira.

It would seem that Sgog had been hanging around in chapter 12.

Keira grabbed a flame thrower out of nowhere and, since she couldn't touch Erol, she burned his chains right off Jak.

No doubt this must have hurt him just a little bit...

Just a little...

Alright, how could I lie to you? IT FUCKING HURT! Poor Jak...

So Jak was on fire, Erol was happy because he thought Jak was about to die and Keira, being the smart girl that she is, heated up the air around Erol so that he had to fly away.

Keira put Jak out with whipped cream and Sgog had to leave so they could have some naughty privacy.

Razer looked upon his collection of jersey yakows with love.

He had always felt sorry for them because they had funny necks and now they were his hobby.

Razer had about 300 and he felt sorry for each and every one of them.

Even when they invaded his house and had calves in his bath tub he didn't mind.

And when they starting eating his walls and giving birth in his laundry, bed and hair, he still felt sorry for them.

Razer went out to buy a new yakow. In truth he couldn't go out without buying one. Every time he saw one he would swoon then buy it, no matter what the price was.

This particular yakow glared at him, blood thirstily.

Razer swooned.

The yakow threw a beehive at him.

Razer ate the bees and brought the poor, sweet yakow.

When he returned with the evil yakow that he had brought he found that his cows had made an army.

'Aww, the poor dears just need some love. They are so sad. They just want some juice...'

But they didn't want juice.

They ate him.

Then Daxter came and sacrificed an egg against a yakow.

It kicked him into the showers of the Fan Girl Fortress; they squealed and kicked him into Pecker who was tickled pink.

Literally.

'Hahahaha that tickles! Oh look at the pretty colour!'

So Daxter cracked up laughing at the laughing ball of feathery pinkness.

'What are you laughing at, you're rainbow!' Pecker pointed out.

And indeed, Dax's fur was abundant with moving colours. The kind that gives you motion sickness.

It was so annoying that Pecker decided to rip it all out.

Daxter retaliated by yanking out some pink feathers.

This continued until they were bald all over. In short, they were starkers.

Yet they still bore the same colours of their coverings.

Pecker was still laughing as though he was being tickled.

They gave up, made a truce for the rest of the chapter and started sacrificing eggs against the wall of Torn's outhouse. While he was using it.

Back to where Keira had left Jak out cold on Ms Clark's desk, Samos was giving the mentioned blond mouth to mouth.

Jak awoke and passed out again in shock.

The next time he gained consciousness, Brutter was making out with him.

Jak shuddered and jumped out of the window, down all those previous-chapter-mentioned floors.

Ghost Erol caught him and let him fall gently.

Then he called the leader of the Fan Girl Army to complain about the way she wrote the chapter.

**And complain he did!**

**Erol: Yes indeedy! You were supposed to let Jak do it with **_**me**_** on the desk...**

**Jak: Let? Don't you mean make? 0.0**

**Erol: Ahem. Goodnight folks.**


	26. On a Dark and Stormy Night

**EDITED!**

**((LINE))**

**Teh chapterness of teh new chappeh of chappehness!**

**Jak: I think what she means to say is "Hello, this is the next chapter."**

**Erol: Maybe this time I'll get what I want... ya know what, my love? I think that if you would stop holding your gun to her head every time we get close to being written a love scene, you might enjoy it... I'm very bendy, I'm like a cat! Rawr!**

**I'm sure you are but I'd like to keep my head. **

**Erol: (Does angry cat impression)**

**On a Dark and Stormy Night**

It was a dark and stormy night.

Jak was running about in the sunlight yelling for joy after living through Erol's "torture."

He was nakie.

Well, he was wearing a tartan apron.

Suddenly Erol came floating around the corner and whinnied like a horse in delight.

He decided to make himself invisible and whisper sweet love songs in Jak's ear, inserting his name so that Jak might fall in love with him.

Jak by this time, had started swatting the irritating voice in the air, but was hitting nothing.

He was sure this was some sort of joke from Daxter, an invisible music box following him or something.

Jak was starting to think that maybe it was time to go visit Ms Clark again... now THAT is true insanity on his part.

Jak started walking to Ms Clark's office.. and we all know how many stairs he will have to climb...

Erol was tired of this Erol singing so he did something a little more Erol like and Eroled Jak on the Erol.

Jak clutches his Erol in surprise and shrieked like an Erol.

Umm... sorry I'm in the Erol way of thinking... I'll rephrase that.

Erol was tired of this Erol singing so he did something a little more Erol like and pinched Jak on the ass.

Jak clutches his aforementioned ass in surprise and shrieked like a banshee.

Daxter and Pecker were having a drink with Tess as they told random jokes.

'Yo Momma's so fat she uses the free way as a slip 'n' slide!' laughed Daxter.

'I have a good one!' began Pecker, 'What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? It's difficult to part the legs of an ironing board! Hahahaha!'

Daxter laughed but the death glare on Tess' face and the fact that he is meant to protect her made him grab the beer hose and shoot Pecker of his stool with it.

BEER FIGHT!

Pecker flew over to the other beer hose and turned it on full blast.

This act resulted in both of them being flat against the walls half way up, getting pumped full of beer.

For several hours.

That's a lot of beer...

While this was happening Tess was cheering on Dax.

Onin came in with her arms around Samos as he tried to run from her.

'Now Onin, I was talking to my plants last night and they said that due to a lot of time travel, inbredness and my afternoon nap with my toy crocodog, Dinky: You are my cousin.'

Onin seemed to think that Samos was role-playing as Pecker informed the room that Onin had said: 'Kinky.'

She dragged the poor green man behind the bar which effectively cleared it of all other life forms for the rest of the night.

Then Mizo made out with G.T. Blitz!

**I had a needle today... blame that.**

**Erol: But... but... but Mizo is G.T.! Was he making out with himself? Did he make a clone? Does he have a life sized cut out!**

**Jak: Cut that out or I will shove this life sized cut out of Baron Praxis where the sun doesn't shine!**


	27. Of Teddies and Perky Blondes

**EDITED! Yaayyy, this was one of my favourites!**

((LINE))

**I'm shooting in the dark... got no idea what I'm going to write and I hope that it's not as disastrous as the last chapter... which was sodding awful...**

**Jak: Not possible - the writer's block is too strong and I can't hold it off much longer! (Shoots writers block and then gets eated)**

**Erol: Melamin! Are you ok in there?**

**Jak: Stop trying to prove you're an elf so I will sleep with you and speak complete English!**

**Erol: You're alive! Oh how I love that sweet voice directed at me! **

**Jak: Yes... err... "Melamin"... come closer and I'll whisper sweet nothings in your ear... (Hysterical laughter)**

**Erol: Oh what a gleeful moment in my life! I'm coming Melamin! (Runs towards the writer's block which eats him too)**

**Jak: Mwahaha now you too, are trapped and cannot go running about in your transparentness and dress' and boxers...**

**(Silence)**

**Ah, Jak? That was a big mistake getting him in that small space with you...**

**Erol: Melamin! (Kissing noises sound from within the writer's block) **_**I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love...**_

**Jak: !**

**Of Teddies and Perky Blondes**

And so it came to pass that the insane authoress of this insane fic came to have a blank mind and no reason for her current laughter... insane? Yes, why do you ask?

Meanwhile, in the wasteland...

Torn could see a frantic Sig pelt towards him at full speed with tears in his eyes. This didn't bode well for good ol' Torn as he needed to use the Little Torn's Room. Fast.

The full force of Sig coming to a halt sent Torn's dress over his head and Torn spent a good few minutes untangling himself before he could ask Sig why he was made to pee himself.

'Poopsie! He's been bear-napped by the marauders. Help me save him Cherry!' Panted the big hunk of man that Vin has come to know as "Flopsy" for reasons best known (and let's all hope that it stays this way) to himself.

'Really? But what would they want with your teddy?' asked the shocked Torn.

They saddled up into the Desert Screamer and stormed the stronghold.

'...Where are James, Sirius, Remus and Peter?' asked Torn, who was wearing the dress in honour of how he was dressed in a very hardcore dream he had about sharing a bed with them.

'Snap out of it and smell the Poopsie, Chille Pepper! I meant the rabid half naked men with long swords!' Corrected Sig.

Torn took on a guilty look as this description still reminded him of his dream.

'Well come on Rum Tum Tugger, it's time to find my Poopsie!' The one who knows Vin as "Feather" said.

At this moment a full sized, long eared, non-ottsel Veger drove past in a very small Barbie car yelling at rocks to get out of the way.

Just then Sig spotted something - his best friend hanging off the back of Veger's car.

'Poopsie!'

Sig grabbed Torn's hand and they began to run after the surprisingly fast, shoe-box sized car.

As they ran Sig's life flashed behind his eyes in the rush and feeling of what might happen if he didn't get Poopsie back.

_FLASH_

He was four years old, opening a Christmas gift that was suspiciously teddy-shaped.

The small child's eyes went wide with excitement as he proclaimed it to be Poopsie and hugged it tightly.

_FLASH_

He was six, playing in a sand pit with other children. Poopsie never released from his grip as he told all his friends about their adventures.

_FLASH_

He was twelve, practicing kissing on Poopsie.

_FLASH_

He was fourteen, making out with a perky blonde about his age. Poopsie watching, hidden, from under a pile of leaves by a tree.

_FLASH_

He was sixteen doing some very R rated stuff with mentioned perky blonde. Poopsie glared jealously from behind the pillow.

_FLASH_

He was seventeen and being dragged away from the girl by rabid half naked men with long swords. Poopsie grinned evilly at her from a hole in Sig's tunic.

_FLASH_

He was twenty-one, introducing Vin to Poopsie after rescuing them both from a group of metalheads.

_FLASH_

Sig was carrying Vin over a puddle. He smiled lightly and laughed about Vin being light as a feather.

Daxter skipped past singing: _When Vin is light as a feather, Sig is stiff as a board!'_

Sig blushed; this wasn't far from the truth. Poopsie looked murderous from inside Sig's pack.

(A/N: Yeah I know Dax shouldn't be there... just roll with it)

_FLASH_

Sig and Vin were inches apart when suddenly Poopsie unexpectedly dropped between them from the ceiling.

_FLASH_

More R rated stuff but this time, with Vin. You can almost notice the tears welling up in Poopsie's staring, black button eyes...

_FLASH_

Sig catches Poopsie in the bathroom with a noose around his neck, a knife in hand, a bath full of water and a packet of heroine at his side. Slumped against the wall. Doing nothing. As a teddy should. But how did all that stuff get like that...?

_FLASH_

He was twenty-two, the perky blonde calls and Sig is forced to choose between her and Vin. Poopsie watches as he tells her that he has someone new in his life now and she must get over him.

_FLASH_

R rated Vin stuff...

_FLASH_

Much, much later, the marauders take Poopsie under cover of night for reasons best known to themselves.

_FLASH_

Torn holding his privates and bouncing up and down in a dress.

_FLASH_

Sig suddenly realised that after all this time - it was Poopsie. He needed to break up with Vin to be with Poopsie.

But first he had to get him back.

With all this flashbacking Sig hadn't noticed until the last minute that he and Torn, who appeared to be peeing himself again, were stomping over Veger and his "car," effectively knocking him out.

Sig started to make out with Poopsie as Torn jumped for joy and Vin watched from a distance as his Flopsy betrayed him.

Vin picked up his communicator and called a perky blonde.

'H-hey... ba-baby...' He said tentatively.

'Oooh Vinny-kins! I love you!' Exclaimed the perky blonde.

**Yeah... this story was gathering to much of a plot so I wrote something completely off topic. So how many times do I have to say "perky blonde" before you get who it is? Tell me who it is with a review! Or I'll send my top assassin - Poopsie, after you!**

**Erol: You'd better do it... she's sleep deprived and dangerous!**

**Jak: Sig's life seems very... there are no words... insane. Bittersweet. R-rated. Poopsie-related?**

**Erol: Yeah that about sums it up... anyone else have anything to say about it?**


	28. Torn's Book

**EDITED!**

**((LINE))**

**Well... a new chapter! No ownage.  
Cookies of any flavour to all who guessed the identity of the Perky Blonde correctly... she was, of course...**

**Erol: TESS!**

**Jak: Do any of you have any idea what went on during that last chapter? I blasted my way outa that Writer's Block with Erol attached to me... it was difficult but I managed...**

**Erol: Do you need a backrub to make all the pain go away?**

**Jak: In your dreams!**

**Erol: Constantly... **

**Torn's Book**

'My Aunty Grilledcheese wrote a book once ya know Cherry. A whole five hundred page one with words written all over it!' Exclaimed Sig to Torn in the Bloody Hook bar.

'All the books I ever read I didn't like the endings. Of course I never actually read up to the ending before I got hungry and ate it, but...' Torn confessed.

'Well now I have a solution! You can write your own book with your own ending about anything!'

'Really? You can write books? With anything in them?' Asked a surprised Torn thoughtfully as he gnawed on the table leg and without further ado - he stowed the table in his pocket for later and raced home to write.

Quill in hand and an ink well beside his parchment, Torn stared into space.

He decided that he would like the first word to be "I" as it was one of his favourite words. The second would hence forth be known as "crashed."

His starting sentence was one to be proud of for Torn spent half an hour coming up with it:

_I crashed my train outside the bar. _

Yes, marvel at the splendour that was Torn's book.

_When I emerged from it, eight pints later, I observed a man attempting to rape my train. The moment he saw me he dropped his turkey and made to skip up the hill towards me. I, being of a kindly nature, did swear foul words against his mother and fly away in my cardboard-box-truck.  
"Oh Torneo, Torneo, where for art thou Torneo? For I hath seen thy Giant Christmas Baubles and would like to sleep with thee. Oh if only thou could'st, thou would'st. For o'er yonder I seek my passion that doth lay in the paddocks of porridge supreme." Cried Ashelin from the top of her palace.  
"'Never fear, Asheliette, your Torneo is here!" I yelled up to her, adorning my spandex body suit and silk cape.  
Once at the salon, I demanded that the stewardess link arms with me and stampede down Tinky-Winky road.  
I like eating pork with spoons and no napkin in front of people. It gets me hot.  
I am the almighty SPORK OF DEATH! FEEL MY SPORKY PAIN!  
I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. Wow that's an attractive word.  
Me, me, me, me, me, me. I like that even better!  
Jak is an asshole and can be blamed for the following things:  
Everything.  
Nothing  
Something.  
But most of all, all of the above.  
I'm sorry; I must have confused it with the four trillion I am worth myself. And this baby's made of chocolate lollypops. Now if you excuse me I'm going to sprout wings and fly off this island.  
YOU ALL EVERYBODY  
ACTING LIKE THOSE STUPID PEOPLE, WEARING EXPENSIVE CLOTHES.  
Are you looking at my bum?  
I wonder what pizza I'll buy with the money from the book selling. Ooooh the book signing... ooooh.  
If this marriage was a horse you'd shoot it.  
I do enjoy my broccoli lol.  
She left a rather large and horny looking excrement on my computer. So I added it to it and used it to refill my starving bowls.  
In front of a large group of journalists.  
And media.  
And paparazzi.  
I'm watching it on the TV right now.  
I have rather unforgiving eyes and a tight but.  
I'm giving myself an erection that could knock me out.  
Jak cut the grass lovingly.  
THE END_

Torn printed out the manuscript of half a page and went on his way to get it published.

A week later there was a book signing in which Veger stood on a half chewed up table and yelled 'PARTY! PARTY LIKE YOU'VE GOT _**WORMS!**_

And so they did.

**Maybe I should go and work on Nightmares sometime in the near future...**

**I did start this as something else but then I lost that spark and was inspired to write this... whatever this actually is I'll never know... it's just my thoughts splattered across a web page. Yes, you should run for your life.**

**Erol: When can I go back to the old thread of story?**

**Jak: When I say so!**

**Erol: Yes, my master.**


	29. After a Long Break, It's Back!

**EDITED!**

**((LINE))**

**I is back! Sorry for the looooooooooooooooong delay for which I have little excuse...**

**Erol: Ahh... Time for me to reclaim my Jakkiebear!**

**Jakkiebear: (Shoots Erol)**

**Erol: Pity for you - I cannot die.**

**Behave boys! As I was saying, mostly the delay was me being excruciatingly lazy. **

**Erol: And so without further ado - On with the fiction!**

**((LINE))**

**After a Long Break...**

One fine day Jak and Torn were walking side by side as Ghost Erol floated behind them; trying to figure out whose arse he preferred.

Suddenly Erol felt light headed... he had gained a new power! He did an Erol dance and presto! Jak and Torn could only say four things each.

Jak looked at Torn in horror as even his thought process spoke with only four phrases...  
'My kilts draughty!' he said, finding his voice endowed with a Scottish accent.

'...I ate it' Replied a bewildered Torn.

'Leave it alone!' Cried Jak in horror clearly terrified that Torn was planning on eating his pants.

'That's huge!' Torn gasped followed by 'Can I use my bazooka?' in a hopeful tone.

'DON'T RUB IT!' replied a horrified Jak, becoming more Scottish by the minute.

'I ate it!' Said Torn a second time.

'Ouch!' Jak exclaimed, feeling to see if his manly appendage was still intact.

'Baa...' Said Torn thoughtfully, eyeing Jak's pants.

'Leave it alone!' Jak yelled at him.

'That's huge! ...Can I use my bazooka?' replied an irritated Torn.

Erol snickered to himself and floated off to buy some new ghostly boxer shorts.

**((LINE HERE))**

Daxter glared at Pecker as he downed his forth red eco energy drink. Pecker looked up from his fifth.

Daxter wiggled his eyebrows surreptitiously and flexed his newly over developed triceps.

Pecker flexed his thighs and grinned.

Then it began.

The ottsel dived for the monkaw for what must be the billionth time in this story and almost managed to knock him right over but Pecker held out his arms and caught him.

Pecker lifted Dax over his head and twirled him around effortlessly on the tips of his rock hard feathers.

Just as he was thrown across the room, Daxter grabbed hold of something near and dear to Pecker and he too, was thrown across the room.

They took turns in beating the crap outta one another before passing out in a corner, slumped over each other, exhausted.

**((LINE))**

**Ok, not a very long chapter I'm just easing back into it. Seeing who I still have reading it and what not...**

**Erol: So... you guys still with us? Should we continue or just give up?**

**Jak: Give up sounds good. Let's do that!**

**Erol: Noooo! I need this story, it's fun...**

**Jak: Speak for yourself...**


	30. MSN for the Insane

**EDITED!**

**((LINENESS!))**

**Erol: Back so soon?**

**Jak: Back too soon...**

**What can I say? I have an idea for TWO new chapters... let's see how fast it takes me to get them written...**

Jak sat at his laptop perched on his bed with a hungry look in his eyes.

He had just discovered MSN... oh the fun he was having.

Someone with the address "My_BoxerShorts_are_SMEXYlike...JAK!" had added him and Jak couldn't think who it could be.

Their conversation was much like this:

Ghostly Stalker says:  
hi

Dark Prince of the Light says:  
hi, who r u?

Ghostly Stalker says:  
a sexii bodi

Dark Prince of the Light says:  
oh kool so hru?

Ghostly Stalker says:  
gud so wat did u think of da l8 Commander Erol?

Dark Prince of the Light says:  
he is da reason i cant sleep at night... nightmarish...

Ghostly Stalker says:  
oh... ok

Ghostly Stalker says:  
i mean same

Dark Prince of the Light says:  
i was walkn around da port todai n i saw dis hot chik onli 2 realise that it waz mi gf Keira! how weird

Ghostly Stalker says:  
ROFL dats funi

Dark Prince of the Light says:  
lol yeh we both lmaoed about it afterwoods then i jak-ed(LOL) a zoomer and crashd in2 a wall! the kg were soooo mad and i was sooo trippn on adrenalin... it was awsum

Ghostly Stalker says:  
LOL u so funni! i once saw this hot persun who was so hot that i died! LOL

Dark Prince of Light says:  
LOL i no da feeln

Ghostly Stalker says:  
feeln wud b nice... we shud do it sumtime...

Dark Prince of the Light says:  
WAT? yeah we shud...

Ghostly Stalker says:  
how bout now behind the bar da norty ottsel?

Dark Prince of the Light says:  
ill b rite dere!

Jak entered the bar to find that he was early but he could hear something... something not quite right...

Behind the bar he found Dax and Pecker entwined on the floor, rubbing against each other like there was no tomorrow.

'I woke up to find the Rat doing this profane gesture to me and I liked it so I joined.' explained Pecker.

'O...k' Jak said in reply and sat down to watch, the look of glee on his face was not quite hidden.

A figure suddenly stepped into the doorway but Jak could still see through the door, it was of course... GHOST EROL! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

'Go away, I'm expecting a date and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell Keira.' Jak told him, annoyed.

'Oh but I will... I will, and then she will kill you and you can finally have a date with the Ghostly Stalker.'

Jak was stunned... it had just clicked as to who his MSN friend was...

Meanwhile Daxter has slammed Pecker up against the bar and they were half wrestling, half doing their previous activity.

Erol and Jak sat to watch once more, as though it were a family sitcom.

Even the author found this disturbing and had no idea why she wrote it apart from the fact that it crossed her endless mind...

Then Keira walked past and boxed them all around the ear hole with a book that looked strangely like a special edition of Torn's book, signed by Torn himself.

She stuffed the book back under her top so no one would see that she held it close to her heart and stormed off, complaining of new fangled technology smelling like blue vein cheese from Samos' bedroom.

**Thanks to ILoveJak08 for the general MSN idea, sorry I didn't use it exactly as you said.**

**Jak: ...what the fuck was that all about?**

**Erol: I liked it, I always like it!**

**Jak: You would...**

**Actually I agree... what the hell came over me? ...anyone have anything remotely nice to say about this?**


	31. Soap Oprah Madness

**EDITED!**

**((LINE HERE!))**

**WHOOOOT! PUSHOVER WAS AWESOME! I MET BEHIND CRIMSON EYES AND McFLY AND I HUGGED PARKWAY DRIVE! AND I FOUND SO MANY AWESOME BANDS!**

**Jak: Yeah... I crowd surfed!**

**Erol: And I felt Jak up when he crowd surfed over me!**

**Jak: That was you? ...I thought you were a girl...**

**So did I, why did you where that wig?**

**Erol: ...So I could head bang...**

**Soap Oprah Madness**

Damas walked endlessly, with his hands in his pockets. How could she do this to him? Right after he'd proposed, too.

He walked into a bar and sat himself down. Soon after Keira came by and they made out as the woman that Damas had proposed to watched.

His loving son, Jak was meanwhile having his own troubles.

'I love the rat!' exclaimed Pecker.

'No! I love the rat!' Tess shot back at him after a lengthy pause in which she thought of this sharp comeback.

'He made love to me! I love him! I want to be a soccer mum!" Pecker won the argument with this.

Tess slapped him and ran off to make out with Daxter, turning him officially straight.

Torn slept with Keira.

Keira slept with Damas.

Damas slept with Seem.

Seem slept with Kleiver.

Kleiver slept with Kleiver.

Krew slept with The Blob

Maia slept with Gol.

Gol slept with Samos.

Samos slept with Jak.

Jak slept with Keira.

Keira slept with Torn.

Torn slept with Ashelin's corpse.

Ashelin's corpse slept.

Then they all got amnesia.

Keira is pregnant with twins but only one of them is Jak's...

The other belongs to Torn.

She gives birth to triplets...

One of them is a cross between Jak and Torn (A/N: Anyone wanna draw that for me?)

Samos then declared that he was hungry but at the word (and I think we all know which word) Krew came in and ate the babies.

Jak took a gun and threatened to pop him and then they all made out with the closest person in shock.

Samos then confessed to Torn that he is his real father and that he wants a fatherly/son relationship with him.

This put Torn in an awkward position with Keira and so she wouldn't find out he gagged Samos and threw him in a closet then stole a zoomer and drove away unexpectedly.

Keira found out anyway and was consoled by Daxter who was human again thanks to a special eco soap.

Just as they were about to kiss, Tess walked in and started crying because she was in love with Keira.

Keira admitted a past relationship with Ashelin and a secret crush on Tess and they then made out in front of Daxter.

Daxter taped it and showed it to all the men in this fiction and they all pressed their noses against the window of the two girls.

Then they all had a big make out thing where everyone made out and was made out with...

Then they found a necklace under the port with the power of a love potion.

Crack pairings went flying everywhere and then Torn came back and told Keira the truth.

'I am your step brother...' Keira found this unbelievably kinky and naughty and tried to make out with him but he stopped her.

'No! You must go back to Jak. He is your soul mate. I will always be with you. Our blood flows through each other's veins.' He cut his hand and she her's and then they held hands and cried.

Keira went crying to Jak and they made out.

Samos told Torn that he did the right thing and then went off to make out with Onin.

They did some naughty things on Keira's bed and Samos proposed and Onin accepted and then she announced that she was pregnant. (A/N: I never really watched much of any soap Oprah but it seems to me like one big "...and then, and then, and then, and then..." with every character getting off with every character and a lot of making out and cheating and mysterious illnesses and more cheating and scandal after scandal...")

Tess then walked in on Pecker and Daxter in a passionate embrace and they pretended that they were sumo wrestling and she joined and I won't go into that too far...

Torn slept with Keira.

Keira slept with Damas.

Damas slept with Seem.

Seem slept with Kleiver.

Kleiver slept with Kleiver.

Krew slept with The Blob

Maia slept with Gol.

Gol slept with Samos.

Samos slept with Jak.

Jak slept with Keira.

Keira slept with Torn.

Torn slept with Ashelin's corpse.

Ashelin's corpse slept.

Then they all got amnesia.

Torn slept with Keira.

Keira slept with Damas.

Damas slept with Seem.

Seem slept with Kleiver.

Kleiver slpt with Kleiver.

Krew slept with The Blob

Maia slept with Gol.

Gol slept with Samos.

Samos slept with Jak.

Jak slept with Keira.

Keira slept with Torn.

Torn slept with Ashelin's corpse.

Ashelin's corpse slept.

Then they all got amnesia.

Torn slept with Keira.

Keira slept with Damas.

Damas slept with Seem.

Seem slept with Kleiver.

Kleiver slpt with Kleiver.

Krew slept with The Blob

Maia slept with Gol.

Gol slept with Samos.

Samos slept with Jak.

Jak slept with Keira.

Keira slept with Torn.

Torn slept with Ashelin's corpse.

Ashelin's corpse slept.

Then they all got amnesia.

Yeah... it seems a bit like that doesn't it?

Ahh the scandals...

Watch them flow.

Think up a few yourselves.

Stuff like Samos dying because he was so in love with Onin.

Keira getting so upset that she makes out with Damas...

Damas confessing to Jak and Jak threatening to kill him if he goes near her again.

Damas cries and says he's sorry so they go fishing and agree to share Keira.

Then everyone but Onin forgot what happened in this chapter.

I think I'll end this now...

**Right...**

**Erol: LOL**

**Jak: Un-LOL**

**I was gonna put the Samos and Onin thing in detail in the next chapter but I thought I'd pop it here and then get on with the next lovely idea that a very lovely reviewer gave me.  
Who can count all the pairings here for me? And which is your favourite? The stuff that happened in this chapter mostly won't count in others but we'll see what happens...**

**Erol: Rock on!**

**Jak: MWAHAHAHAHA**

**Erol: Ooooh what a smexy evil laugh! (Attacks Jak and tries to make out with him)**

**Jak: HELP!**

**Erol: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oooh... what an even smexier evil laugh! (pulls out a mirror and makes out with it)**

**o.0 **


	32. Torn's Problem Solving Therapy

**EDITED!**

**((LINE HERE))**

**And so it was decreed that a new chapter would be born, and thou shall name it-**

**Jak: I thought I told Erol to make sure you don't escape!**

**Erol: I just wanted to see what all that time in our Fan Fiction Author Mental Institute had done to her writing... **

**MWAHAHAHAHA (Does Dr. Evil's pinkie to corner of mouth thing) MWAHAHAHAHA**

**((LINE))**

**Torn's Problem Solving Therapy**

Torn sat in his hidey hole, (ahem) hideout, pondering the meaning of life, his maps and multi tasking as he scribbled on the maps, wrote a sequel to his book and read _Pride and Prejudice and Zombies_, a book that DEA has only looked at in the bookshop and has made a mental note to read (A/N: EDIT, I've read it now, it's cool).

He was feeling quite content until he heard a BOOM and an "Ahh shit!" This could only be Jak. The damn fool never forgot to get off his zoomer before trying to get in.

Torn idly looked up as Jak stumbled forewords, his clothes hanging in tatters 'I went boom again' he said with a satisfied smile, '-poo! I have a massive problem that I thought that a big hunk of FL like you could help sort out...'

'Flirt to get your own way again and I will shoot you.' was Torn's reply from behind his book.

So Jak went and used the Little Torn's room to clear himself of flirts. He had begged Torn endlessly to install a Little Jak's room but to no result.

When he returned he looked sullen. 'Ghost Erol is haunting me and I can't get rid of him. Help me - o buddy, o pal?'

'No.'

'O worthiest mate of mine?'

'No.'

'O big red lobster with a side dish of sea cucumber?'

'I'll do it!' Torn enthused and proceeded to produce a transparent whistle, 'This is a ghostly whistle. Blow on it once, do Irish jigs then save the world of swine flu. That will summon the ghost in question. When you see him you need to give him what he wanted and he will leave you alone for ever and return to the ghostly realm.'

Jak smiled ear to ear, an amazing feat considering the length of his ears, and without thinking about what Erol might want, blew on the whistle and started to jig.

'May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you're dead' Torn said before retreating behind his book.

Peace was far from Torn however as a crazed Keira burst into the room carrying an arc wielder and a pair of clean underwear. He raised a perfectly shaped and waxed eyebrow at her.

She stopped seething at Jak the moment she saw this and asked, 'Why did you let Tess do that to you...? You look like Erol, which reminds me!' She stopped jabbering and turned her arc wielder back to the still jigging Jak. 'Why is _he_ jigging when he was supposed to be meeting me at my place? It took me FOREVER to get that Vin costume he wanted me to wear off!'

Torn raised another shapely eyebrow at her and said simply, 'Erol.'

'HE'S DATING THAT DEAD MOFO? HE'S WORKING OUT FOR HIM? HE'S BLOWING ME OFF FOR HIM! That's it!' She fingered the trigger but Torn stopped her.

'Wait until he cures swine flu. Then you can kill him. Also he isn't dating Erol although you may want to see what's going on with him and Vin now that you mention it. '

'Oh well that's OK. Here Jak, you know I don't like you sleeping away from my place. You always forget to put on clean underwear.' Keira said as she tried to kiss the jigging Jak on the cheek before leaving.

'Damn women with their damn tweezers and damn waxing strips and their stupid Vin costumes. When will they realise that only Vin can dress as Vin and look dead sexy?' Torn muttered as he returned to his book, but his mutterings were to be short lived.

Daxter flung himself into the room and in an angry and deadly quiet voice said, 'I know what you've done.'

'That's great.' was Torn's bored reply.

'She's mine. ALL MINE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA' and with that Daxter began to flick excrements at Torn.

'Who?' asked a bewildered Torn, wiping poo from his eyes and stuffing it into an envelope.

'Tess. My Tess. MINE! My Precious...' Daxter told him, Gollum style (A/N: Eww... Gollum style... bad image...).

'I didn't do it! It was the invisible Torn that she keeps telling me that she dreams about!' This was the truth.

'Oh you mean last night when she moaned "Oh Torn you're the big bad, go get the fried chicken and I'll do some butt clenches while I wait. Where did you go... oh sorry I bumped into you accidently... but the opposite. Do you think if I got pregnant the child would be only half invisible?" she was dreaming of an invisible Torn? That's fantastic! Problem solved! Wait 'til I tell Pecky-poo!' And on that strange note Daxter exited.

Almost immediately afterwards Samos ambled in and started to speak but Torn put a hand to his mouth and told him to hold that thought, he'd just had a business idea.

He quickly wrote a business plan and ran out of the hidey-hole/hideout to get a degree in helping crazy game characters, a small loan, a few flashing signs, a comfortable couch and a singing wall fish. He was officially open for business.

He hung the signs over the entrance to the hidey-hole.

_**TORN'S PROBLEM SOLVING THERAPY  
CRAZY GAME CHARACTERSCOME THIS WAY!  
(This is not the FL's secret hidey-hole)  
(But to be on the safe side: NO KG OR METAL HEADS ALLOWED!  
(Unless you promise not to tell where this is)  
(As a precaution... not because this is the FL's secret hidey-hole...)  
(I spent a whole loan on these signs so please give generously to the "Save the FL appeal")  
(Not that this is the FL, nor am I their leader. I just look like him and share a name and tattoos...)  
(Vin is a sex-god)**_

Pleased with his work he proceeded to sit back down behind his desk and motion for Samos to lay on the couch and tell of his latest turmoil.

'Well you see I've gotten Onin pregnant and intend to make her my blushing bride in a few days time if only I could tell Keira, I'm afraid she won't approve or will become jealous of the unborn half sibling.'

Torn looked thoughtful from behind his touching finger tips, 'It's a pickle... hmm well I've just seen Keira (I hope it is you that gave her that arse as I'm sure it will go nicely with the nose that Onin is sure to pass on to her) and she seems in a good enough mood. Go tell her now and if she doesn't like it then I advise you steal her arc wielder and send her to me immediately. With some prawn crackers, I'm starving!' he advised, gnawing on his book.

Samos gave a jolly flick of his log and happily exited.

Then Ashelin entered with a complaint on her pouting lips, 'Why does that Seem monk keep threatening me about you? It uses too many big words for my small brain.'

'Oh Ashelin you're alive! And that would be my fault – before we got together I was with Seem but never mind that.' Torn said and ran to ravage her. He stopped himself when he realised that he has indeed seen her very much dead body and that it now looked very much the same only more... decayed...

'ZOMBIE!' he squealed and started pelting the previously enveloped faeces at his dead ex. When this only made her scarier he shot the crap out of her until she left and buried herself and died again.

'I ravaged a corpse.' he pouted as Sig thundered in.

'Torn! I came as soon as I heard, you wrote a book! How salubrious! Allow me to be the first to say... WHERE THE HELL HIS MY COPY CHILLI PEPPER? Huh? Where? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I want one!' Sig threw a tantrum and then threw Jak through the steel walls.

Torn was about to sign a copy of his book to hush Sig up when suddenly Jak had an eureka moment.

'Eureka!'

It seems that being thrown by a big strong man through a steel wall was the cure for swine flu. This breakthrough brought Erol zooming to Jak like a fly to a cow pat. It seems that Torn is a very good at this sort of thing.

Then Jak remembered that this was the part where he gives Erol what he wants to make him go away. This frightened him into taking back his curation of swine flu, 'Akerue!'

This magical word sent Erol back to the ghostly toilet whence he came, along with Sig to read from Torn's book to him.

'TORN! I GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!' came the unwelcome voice of Kleiver who did indeed a produce a bone fresh for the picking.

'Cor Blimey! What is that horrific aroma? Oh it's only you...'

'You know I've been getting that same reaction all day and I showered last month! Why is it that I can't get decent company for more than the time it takes to draw breath?' Kleiver looked really menacing... standing there in his big brown nappy.

'Hahaha, how amusing! A chocolate nappy! Perhaps they were afraid that you would ask them to take a bite?' Torn laughed.

Kleiver looked at him dubiously, 'I'm not wearing a chocolate nappy... this is the standard big boy kind that I wear as a symbol that I am in fact – a big boy.

'Perhaps you should change it then?' Torn suggested quickly, before rushing off to vomit in an urn containing some of Ashelin.

Suddenly there came a loud BOOM.

'Not Jak again...'

But it wasn't Jak. Vegar entered the stinking domain, 'Help! Jinx has a rather large deathbot intent on death!' he screeched and hid in Kleiver's happy nappy, 'Why me...? They keep targeting me... Help me mummy...'

To this Torn had a solution!

He went out to Jinx and told him:

'He went that way!' This lead Jinx in the opposite direction however after smelling for a bit he realised that his quarry was indeed in the poo ridden nappy of Kleiver and sent his deathbot after him.

And they were never seen again... until some random point later on.

Torn kicked back behind his desk and doodled on a map.

The door then flew off its hinges and three people entered: Shiv, Edge and Cutter, all with tears in their eyes.

'He must be stopped!' they said together as they will continue to do, 'That damn sexy man whore Razer is in love with Rayn and he wants to make her feel the same way tonight! What can I do?'

They stopped and looked at each other.

'She's mine.'

'She's mine!'

'SHE'S MINE!'

Torn remained silent and allowed them to fight to the death. He stopped them before they could finish each other off and called Rayn who came right away, saw how hurt they were and decided to nurse them back to health while she works out which one she prefers. This left no time on her watch for Razer and the three boys brought Torn an expensive rubber ducky to thank him.

With his work done Torn shut the business down for a while to think about hiring people to do his job for him and perhaps getting a new hidey-hole as thousands of KG and metal heads had him surrounded despite the signs.

'Ah shit...'

**((LINE))**

**And so ended the chapter that could have been a lot funnier had I had the energy... I promise the next one will be better. **

**Jak: I hope so...**

**Erol: Please forgive her... she just finished her exams and realised that she was feeling a lot of guilt for not updating. Her brain hurts...**

**Jak: Yours will hurt in a minute...**

**Erol: Yes but as they say, you hurt the ones you love!**

**Jak: (Lowers gun and begins hugging Erol to show that he isn't hurting him and therefore doesn't love him)**

**Erol: (Purrs contently) Worked like a charm...**

**The idea/inspiration for this chapter goes to the lovely ILoveJak08.**

**Erol: I love Jak too! What a fantastic name! I want it...**

**Well it's taken so you can't have it (sticks tongue out).**

**Jak: Do I need to put a straight jacket on the both of you?**


	33. The Road to Torn Town

**EDITED!**

**((LINE))**

**Yet another chapter courtesy of the lovely ILoveJak08! All hail ILoveJak08!**

**Erol: Hail!**

**Jak: Hail... I mean... gotta bail! (Runs off)**

**Erol: (Catches Jak and ties him to a chair) You are now my official date and escort to this afternoons screening of chapter thirty three! **

**((LINE))**

**Torn Town (My, isn't Torn the star of a lot of these?)**

Torn browsed through the travel guide luxuriously, he desperately needed a holiday after the last chapter's events.

'Amsterdam... nah, too much amster and not enough dam... perhaps Dragon Shores? We haven't been there since we kicked Gnasty Gnorcs butt... oh wait – wrong game. Aha! Haven Forest! No... too close to home, maybe... the Gold Coast? Nah, boring. Hmm... Scotland? no I think I'd like to go somewhere excruciatingly hot with a pool or a beach... have I been talking to myself again... perhaps I was thinking out loud? Probably, but how would I check? ...hmm questions and decisions... what a pickled life of mine...' he pondered in his low and husky voice, and yes indeed – very much out loud.

'May I help you, Sir?' came a worried voice.

Torn's eyes widened in fear and he screamed like a little girl as he ran to hide behind Ghost Erol who was also browsing.

'You do know that my dear friend is transparent and that I can still see you?' asked the owner of the worried voice. Ms Clark, from the 99999999999999999th floor of some random building where she worked as a councillor and who also owned "Ms Clark's Boxers and knickers" store.  
Apparently she was also in the ownership of a book store that specialised travel guides...

Torn calmed himself and picked up a mysterious book which seemed to have been just written by hand and placed under his nose. The author was Ms Clark.  
The first page directed him to the third page, which directed him to the twenty-third page which in turn told him that page forty held the answers. Torn was getting very cross.  
Page fifty-seven; twenty; three hundred and sixty eight; three million; one; three; twenty-three; sixty-nine...  
'EROL!' screamed Torn who had just noticed that Erol was standing behind him and clicking his fingers, thus making the book tell him where to go.

Finally Torn found the elusive page he craved. Page fifteen.  
It read:

_Looking for a long break from the excruciating duties of being in fan fiction?_

_Already considered and rejected Amsterdam, Dragon Shores, Haven Forest, the Gold Coast, and Scotland?_

_Then here is a magnificent suggestion for you:_

_Torn Town! A place where Torn thinks and his thought is his command!_

_Please see Ms Clark at the head of the store for all the glorious details_

Torn had a feeling that Erol had something to do with this but he went to the front desk all the same

Ms Clark provided him with a minivan zoomer rental and a map and Torn set off on his merry way.

'Hiya Tornie-Toes!' Oh no, Daxter. Here. In the van. Shit.

Torn turned to find himself face to face with not only Daxter, but Tess, Pecker, Samos and Ximon.

'Torn, I wanted to ask you about what I should do about Onin. You see since I got her pregnant all she wants to do is shop for baby clothes and I'm an old man!' Samos complained but was stopped short when Pecker hit him over the head with Tess' feather boa in the shape of Daxter's tail.

'Yes, you are old but I... well I too am old, but I am taut and have an accent. It should have been me!' Pecker prattled on some more before addressing Torn, 'Do you think you could log off the old log for me? Use your underground prowess...  
Hey Tess, want to make-out in the mean time?'

This was too much for Daxter. Before Tess could slap Pecker he grabbed her and started doing exactly what Pecker wanted to do. Very loudly.

Torn was reminded of the noise a plunger makes when plunging a toilet.

Tess was overwhelmed with joy and began to sing between smooches, _'I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero for the end of the night, he's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight!'_

More sucking sounds.

'_Kissy, kissy, makes me happy, honey, honey, sweet as candy, kissy, kissy, take my hand and come along with me!'_

Her enthusiasm was evident in her loud singing voice and constant stream of plunging noises. A tick started under Torn's left eye.

Pecker watched the proceedings hungrily.

'Pull over!' Samos yelled suddenly.

'Why? You shouldn't even be here, this is MY holiday!' Torn yelled back.

'If you don't pull over I'm going to urinate everywhere.' Samos put it bluntly. No one could ignore a statement like this. Torn pulled over and Samos rolled out into the bush, returning seven minutes later with a butterfly urinating in his hair. He appeared not to have noticed this strange occurrence.

'_Clumsy 'cause I'm falling in love, IN, IN LOVE!' _sang Tess before returning to Daxter and his real plunger that he uses when he's too tired to kiss.

'Uh oh... Torn I gotta go pee-pee again!' It seems that the bumpy zoomer ride was playing havoc with Samos' system.

'Shut up you stupid cracker.'

'Tooooooorn... I really gotta goooooooooooooo.'

'Damn you, now I have to go!'

'_Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, banaphone! Boopdoopidoopidoop!' *slurp, suck, plunge*_

'SHUT-UP!' Torn and Samos yelled together, then stopped to have a wee war. It wasn't much better when they returned.

'_Every boy's the same since I bin' the seventh grade, they be tryin'a get with me, wanna ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha'_

'You know she's probably not far off with that one...' Torn mused.

'Yes, But who would wanna ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha? I mean come on, laughing is so overrated!' interjected Pecker.

The other men ignored his naiveté.

Then they noticed Ximon, who happened to just be there. His part is small due to the author's lack of a PSP and it was a while ago that she watched all the clips on YouTube.

Torn addressed him, 'What're you doing just there?'

'I'm just here.'

This pleased everyone.

'_Dirty babe, you see these shackles baby I'm your slave, I'll let you whip me if I misbehave, it's just that no one makes me feel this way' *small squeal of relish*_

Including Tess apparently.

Torn drove on for another hour, the map was hard to discern and at one point Pecker and Ximon broke out into a chorus of "Are We There Yet" and five more times Samos had to stop to pee and Tess managed the chorus of about fifty songs between snogging Daxter and his plunger.

Finally they arrived at Torn Town.

All the woman were there to serve him, dressed at Ashelin showgirls.

Ashelinettes, he called them.

Pre-dead, not post-death. That would be disgusting.

The rooms all had daggers on the walls and maps to pour over when nobody was looking.

There was a little Torn's room on every corner.

In short – this world was perfect.

**((LINE))**

**Yes, this chapter sucks but I started it ages ago and I was in a random mood when I started today but then it went away halfway through and I just wanted to finish it and try another chapter another day...**

**Jak: Why don't you just abandon this?**

**I never abandon! **

**Erol: That's the spirit, you'll get that spark back!**


	34. IT'S OUT!

**EDITED! :D Not much to change now, this was only last year I think.**

**((LINE))**

**My inner and very much repressed fan girl is about to surface into my conscious. The reason, you ask?**

**THE LOST FRONTIER IS OUT!**

**OUT, OUT, OUT! **

**SQUEEEEE ARGH IT'S FINALLY HERE!**

**AND I DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY SO NOW I GOTTA GO TO THE SHOPS AGAIN WHICH SUCKS BUT IT'LL BE WORTH IT 'CAUSE IT WILL LEAD TO ME OWNING THE LOST FRONTIER! **

**Jak: Point taken...**

**Erol: It's basically your game Jak... we should be worshipping you! *bows excessively***

**Jak: Oh fine. Abandoning all pretences and giving into the worship... HAIL KING JAK! FOR I AM JAK! AND THE LOST FRONTIER IS OUT, squee...**

**Erol: The "squee" was a nice touch.**

**Jak: You think so? I've been working on it ever since I heard they were making a new game.**

**SPOILER ALERT**

**That's great Jak. Excuse me while I check who owns it, the graphics looked different which I'm not happy about.  
*reads wiki info... seriously I am...*  
It's been out since November 4th! It sounds different, Dark Daxter for example. And the only recognisable characters seem to be Jak, Keira and Daxter. And it ends with a kiss again. And there's too much aerial combat and... I probably shouldn't have looked at this...**

**SPOILER OVER**

**Erol: So are you going to write a chapter or are you just channelling your inner fan girl?**

**Jak: Yeah, write good woman!**

**Hmm are you sick, Jak? Oh and my apologies to ILoveJak08. Your chapter will be up hopefully shortly. I just got so excited when I saw that the game was out...**

**((LINE))**

**Out in Shops, Out of Closet, Out of Doily **

Ghost Erol wafted through the furniture store, looking for that elusive closet that he needed to come out of metaphorically. He was just deciding on a nice cherry oak one when Torn came bursting into the shop wearing a tutu.

'Erool!' He yelled frantically.

'Did you just rhyme my name with drool?'

'Look! You're not the only thing that's out! It's The Lost Frontier! We can get out of this fan fiction and into a new adventure! Our problem is that we have too much time and these authors utilise that to their advantage. Now they'll be playing us here! Here, where you're dead and I don't wear tutus!' Torn was going cloudy eyed as he imagined this wondrous thought. Erol thought he spied a bulge in his frills.

'How salubrious! How simply delightful! I'll make the scones if you bring the jam and cream. We're going to have a tea party!' Erol enthused.

And so two hours later the whole cast of the game was seated around Torn's little desk, fighting over who got to put their cup on the coaster.

Jak, as the main character, got to wear the tea cosy on his head.

The fight turned ugly and Ashelin was forced to pad her bra with protective doilies to protect the game's most precious assets.

Torn made note to never wash them again.

'Order!' cried Erol through a mouthful of scone. Whipped cream was smeared all over his mouth. Kleiver and Sig sniggered in a corner.

'The Lost Frontier is out. It stars...'

Everyone held their breath for a leading role.

'Jak.' Jak stood up and took his clothes off to emphasise his joy. Keira blushed profusely and covered him up with more tea cosies. Torn sobbed silently for his favourite chair that he would have to burn now.

Erol waited for calm before continuing, 'Daxter."

Daxter stood up and announced that was actually a bigger lead than Jak to which Jak threw a crucial tea cosy at him. Daxter yelled bloody murder and Torn bawled and lamented the room he was going to have to burn now that the tea cosy was being thrown all over it, a game of hot potato was beginning.

Erol, who had saved Keira for last because he was feeling a little cannon and wanted her to be special, now shouted her name for all to hear then ran to hug her, going straight through her.

'Damn... not cannon enough to have a corporeal body.' He then thought for a second, 'I'm sending waves of love at you babe.' And he winked. Jak began to shoot tea cosies at the ghost with his morph gun until he accidently his Ashelin in the doily and she died yet again.

'Yes, well... now that it is clear that I'm dead and therefore can't be touched... who would like to see Jak's hot banana again? Because I sure would.' Erol was back from his minor cannon slip. 'Jak's a hot banana,' he went on.

The precursors stood on Boggy Bill's head and began to river dance while The Bogster belted out a lewd version of Halo by Beyonce.

"Halo" being replaced with the word "Doily."

The Muse and Pecker did an angry tango argentino dance at not being involved in the story up until now. They were fastly falling in love. Daxter was slightly jealous. He pounced, knocking the muse back and taking the lead with Pecker, making the dance very violent.

Praxis, who had a slightly bestial past, felt very turned on by all this.

Erol and Torn felt that their tea party was getting out of hand. They were right; it was way out of hand and into foot.

In fact, every character was now taking their socks off and knitting each other new ones, in the Christmas spirit.

Keira was the only exception, who was knitting Jak a large tea cosy.

Torn was sobbing over his half finished doily that he had meant to give to Ashelin. It cheered him up slightly when Tess volunteered to wear it for him on Christmas Eve. Once she was drunk.

Sig started slapping himself with a wet fish and thus ended the chapter.

**((LINE))**

***slumps in her chair, exhausted from all the craziness***

**Jak: Wow. Now I remember why I never liked it when you update. Although the tea cosy thing does send tingles up my spine. Maybe they stuck that in the game?**

**I highly doubt that.**

**Erol: I too, have these tingles. **

**Jak: Time to run!**

**Come back when you've got the game and I can play it!**

**Erol: No! I'm playing first!**

**Jak: Hey, if I'm paying I think I get to play it first!**

**But you're in it, how can you play and be in it at the same time?**

**Jak: I have my ways.**

**Erol: Liar. I know this because you disappear every time I play Precursor Legacy to see how cute you used to be. Look at that little tush!**

**Jak: 0.0**

**I believe the appropriate response from me would be *face palm* **


	35. Green Wedding

**EDITED!**

**((LINE))**

**Many a month ago, ILoveJak08 said to me: "I think it's time for Samos and Onin's wedding."  
Well, I think the time is now too. Story will follow the plot IloveJak08 set out in her review... wish me luck, it's a big one. **

**Erol: I've decorated the tree! **

**No Erol, that's Jak wrapped in tinsel.**

**Erol: I know (big cheesy grin) the baubles on the ears are my favourite part.**

**Jak: (glowers)**

**Erol: Now, how do I get him to stay like that for the next two days...? Jak! If you move Santa won't come!**

**You'll ruin my birthday if you do.**

**Jak: (removes decorations and smiles evilly) Merry birthday.**

**Gee, thanks...**

**Erol: (gets drunk) **

**Jak: (gets drunk)**

**Jak and Erol: (kiss passionately)**

**(gets drunk) what? Oh right, alcohol is bad... as previewed above (sobers up) writing time! Before Jak regains his judgment and stops me! Green pride!**

**((LINE))**

**Green Wedding**

Onin floated merrily into Keira's room and stared at her for a good while. Keira didn't know it but Onin was telling her something important but Pecker was off boinking the muse.

'Stop staring at me! Creepy wench...' Keira mumbled.

Samos came to stand beside Onin.

'Oh great, you're here to give me another plant? Don't bother unless it's made of metal or I can re-gift it to Jak so he'll sleep with me again. Did I say that out loud?'

Samos was gob smacked, 'err... of course not dear! I just wanted to help Onin tell you that we're engaged!'

Keira stared as blankly as Onin apparently was, 'you sick green pervert! I'm your daughter, we can't get married!"

'No, no, no, no, NO! I'm marrying Onin silly he he he.'

Keira killed Bambi in disgust and stormed out.

Onin continued to stare blankly; if Pecker were there we would know that she was chanting a McDonald's sundae in Latin.

**((LINE))**

The wedding party stood in Haven Forest. The groomsman, Torn and Sig stood next to the Great Tree in lime green tuxedoes. Jak, as Best Man, got to wear leaves arranged in his hair, like a headdress. Daxter stood naked, holding the rings while Pecker tried not to stare or think dirty.  
Samos came down the makeshift isle, Keira at his arm in a lime dress, giving him away. She tripped Samos a few times and took her anger out by shooting the leaves off Jak's head as she approached. This was one wedding she would not enjoy.

Soon after came Onin, followed by the corpse of Ashelin, Taryn and Keira, who had to run back to make her second entrance. The all wore the same dress. Well, not the very same dress. Separate ones. Not squeezed in together. Like a dream of Torn's.  
They held flowers in their hands and had flowers sticking out of every place imaginable. Walking was difficult but manageable.

Tess came directly after the procession of uncomfortable but lovely females. She giggled and cackled madly and skipped, throwing flowers at everyone she passed. Keira started to shoot the flowers as they were thrown, which caused Samos much distress.

Taryn nervously covered the flowers on her boobs, which may have looked like a target to Keira.

Razor stood among the guests, holding a sign which read "I had nothing else to do today." Edje, Shiv and Cutter stood beside him in a combined jumpsuit with "The Three Amigos" scrawled across it. They sobbed loudly at the beauty of the proceedings.

Jak hushed the forest into silence with threats of unleashing his dark side and all stood and stared at the Great Tree. This caused great confusion because though Samos and Onin were responding to words seemingly unspoken, no one heard a thing.

Keira started to take aim at Samos' little blue bird.

"..." Said the tree.

"I do," Samos trilled gravely.

"..." the tree asked of Onin.

"..." Said Onin.

"ONIN SAYS I-" Pecker started,

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

It was Vin.

"Onin, I love you. I always have, marry me instead! We can own many cats and breed them with Pecker to create Moncataws! We can wake up every morning to each other's faces!'

Jak threw up.

Cutter, Shiv and Edje howled louder and blew their noses.

Samos launched himself and Vin and beat him with his log. Keira struggled to get a clear shot. Vin yowled loudly. Samos got him in a headlock and pinched his nose.

Onin pleaded for the tree to do something, "..." but the tree could only say "..." for itself. Damn tree.

Pecker intervened, "Onin wants this violence to stop, you sexy beasts. Her words not mine. She wishes to continue to marry Samos. Vin, Go away.' And he did.

And so the marriage was done. Rayne began to sing their wedding song. Well, Samos' wedding song. Onin had wanted the titanic song.

"_There once was a tree  
A pretty little tree  
The prettiest little tree  
That you ever did see_

_Oh, the tree in a hole  
And the hole in the ground  
And the green grass grew all around, all around  
And the green grass grew all around _

_Now on this tree  
There was a limb  
The prettiest little limb  
That you ever did see_

_Oh, the limb on the tree,  
A and the tree in a hole  
And the hole in the ground  
And the green grass grew all around, all around  
And the green grass grew all around _

_Now on this limb  
There was a branch  
The prettiest little branch  
That you ever did see"_

"Shut up!" Yelled Jinx while Shiv, Cutter and Edje cried harder. Keira was worshipping anything not green very loudly.

_"Oh, the branch on the limb,  
And the limb on the tree,  
And the tree in a hole  
And the hole in the ground  
And the green grass grew all around, all around  
And the green grass grew all around _

_Now on this branch  
There was a bough  
The prettiest little bough  
That you ever did see_

_Oh, the bough on the branch,  
And the branch on the limb,  
And the limb on the tree,  
and the tree in a hole  
And the hole in the ground  
And the green grass grew all around, all around  
And the green grass grew all around _

_Now on this bough  
There was a twig  
The prettiest little twig  
That you ever did see_

Pecker and Daxter came in as backup singers.

_Oh, the twig on the bough,  
And the bough on the branch,  
And the branch on the limb,  
And the limb on the tree,  
and the tree in a hole  
And the hole in the ground  
And the green grass grew all around, all around  
And the green grass grew all around _

_Now on this twig  
There was a leaf  
The prettiest little leaf  
That you ever did see_

_Oh, the leaf on the twig,  
And the twig on the bough,  
And the bough on the branch,  
And the branch on the limb,  
And the limb on the tree,  
and the tree in a hole  
And the hole in the ground  
And the green grass grew all around, all around  
And the green grass grew all around _

_Now on this leaf  
There was a nest  
The prettiest little nest  
That you ever did see_

_Oh, the nest on the leaf,  
And the leaf on the twig,  
And the twig on the bough,  
And the bough on the branch,  
And the branch on the limb,  
And the limb on the tree,  
and the tree in a hole  
And the hole in the ground  
And the green grass grew all around, all around  
And the green grass grew all around"_

Keira shot a nest.

_"Now in this nest  
There was a bird  
The prettiest little bird  
That you ever did see_

_Oh, the bird in the nest,  
And the nest on the leaf,  
And the leaf on the twig,  
And the twig on the bough,  
And the bough on the branch,  
And the branch on the limb,  
And the limb on the tree,  
and the tree in a hole  
And the hole in the ground  
And the green grass grew all around, all around  
And the green grass grew all around _

_Now on this bird  
There was a feather  
The prettiest little feather  
That you ever did see _

_Oh, the feather on the bird,  
And the bird in the nest,  
And the nest on the leaf,  
And the leaf on the twig,  
And the twig on the bough,  
And the bough on the branch,  
And the branch on the limb,  
And the limb on the tree,  
and the tree in a hole  
And the hole in the ground  
And the green grass grew all around, all around  
And the green grass grew all around _

_Now on this feather  
There was a flea  
The prettiest little flea  
That you ever did see_

_Oh, the flea on the feather,  
And the feather on the bird,  
And the bird in the nest,  
And the nest on the leaf,  
And the leaf on the twig,  
And the twig on the bough,  
And the bough on the branch,  
And the branch on the limb,  
And the limb on the tree,  
and the tree in a hole  
And the hole in the ground  
And the green grass grew all around, all around  
And the green grass grew all around"_

Rayne finished her song to an empty forest. They had cleared out long ago, except her back ups and Samos, who wept at the bittersweetness.

**((LINE))**

The reception was a grand event, with everybody crammed into Onin's tent for a drink and a dance.

'Congratulations chilli pepper!" Sig clapped Onin on the back which broke. Luckily she fell into a pile of green eco and all was well. She said something about rubber tubing and certain parts of Sig's mother.

Razor and Jinx stood in a corner, exchanging cigars and cigarettes. Keira was vehemently hitting on Torn, trying to get Jak's attention. Zombie Ashelin stumbled over and did the same, causing Torn to drag Keira off to see Jak. This was not going well.

Samos snogged Onin grossly for the most part, until a little blue and green flower appeared between them. Keira started to understand how she was made and tried to stomp on it before her half sister had a chance to be sexier than her. Samos stopped her by throwing the crocodog at her.

The crogodog began to hump everything that moved and some things that didn't, much to Daxter's delight. This made Pecker jealous.

Ghost Erol floated by and hid in Jak's hair. The very mention of ghost Erol brought Author's Note Jak back to his senses in time to stop the writer from writing what she's writing.

**((LINE))**

**Jak: Seriously, stop it now. (pushes DEA off the chair) I'll take it from here. **

**((LINE))**

Then Keira took an interest in Jak and all his sensual manliness. She pulled him into a dark and scary corner where Erol would never, EVER find him and had her way with him. In detail. What are these details you may ask? Well She-

Excuse me; I'm being molested as I type.

Tess entered the pleasure domain and joined the fun, it was very much like a dream I had the other night actually...

Oops, I drooled.

Ashelin came next. No pun intended. Then Taryn, then Rayn and then Keira again. Even that stupid pirate wench from the latest "game" was there. All of them doing everything I want them to.

Ahh bliss.

**((LINE))**

**Hands where I can see them, Jak...**

**Jak: Sorry, got carried away. But seriously – wasn't that better than ghost Erol hiding in my hair?**

**Erol: No.**

**Jak: Nobody asked you.**

**That was the last time I will ever let you take over...**

**Jak: Damn it. I blew it.**

**Erol: I'll blow it. **

**That's enough boys...**

**Erol: Yeah, wouldn't want to up the rating. Would we, **_**Jak**_**?**

**Jak: What? I was stopped from using detail. All safe.**

**Well at least there'll be no pregnancies then. On a less odd note, I played The Lost Frontier, it sucked. Why the hell would Naughty Dog sell it?**

**Jak: I'm just too sexy to handle for too long.**

**Erol: oh y-**

**Stop with the innuendoes! Sorry, been cooped up for too long. And Jak, you're not sexy anymore. No one is. High Impact Games... please. Socks have a higher impact than them. **

**Jak: You're very strange today.**

**Erol: Review!**


	36. Torn, Interrupted

**EDITED, one more to go!**

**((LINE))**

**0.0 Overload... fejsv dv jfd br brtgd bre GEV NDBUR! Whoa! Would you look at this review, boys?**

**Erol: Did you just speak Welsh...?**

**No it just looks like it. **

**Jak: The eco one has a point, ILoveJak08 has outdone herself. That sure is a picture she's painted...**

**Can't wait to get cracking on it!**

**Erol: I can't wait to get cracking on Jak!**

**Jak: DEA... help me!**

**Erol: Come on, Leibchen, how bad can it be?**

**Nightcrawler: (Bamf) Hey, that's my word! (Bamf)**

**Erol: (Glomps the air where Nightcrawler had just teleported) A sexy blue German!**

**Jak: Where the hell did he come from...?**

**I believe he walked right out of my comics... **

**Erol: He's gone **

**Well he can't hang around here, it's not his fandom.**

**Jak: Too right. **

**Erol: You're sexy Jak.**

**Jak: I know. So is this chapter.**

**How do you know? I haven't written it yet. By the way, thank you to all who reviewed, I haven't been replying lately but that doesn't mean they aren't appreciated.**

**Erol: **_**I like aeroplane jelly! Aeroplane jelly for meeee!**_

**Jak: He's a nutter...**

**Be that as it may, he brings a little something to the "story."**

**Erol: I bring the ass!**

**Jak: I think you'll find I bring the ass. **

**Neither of you bring any arse. Not with me here. I bring it. **

**Erol: We all bring it? Can I have Jak's?**

**Jak: Can I throw a pie at him?**

**No, I don't like slapstick...**

**Jak: Fine. Write the damn chapter with him frolicking all over the place, checking me out. See if I care! (Sulks)**

**((LINE))**

**Torn, Interrupted**

Torn looked up at the chapter title and sighed. I looked like one of those days again...

This didn't bother him too much yet. He was rather occupied lighting all the candles in his room without burning it or himself down. And it seems likely as most of them were so close together they made a wall of fire. Very romantic, Torn thought. Ashelin likes danger. He laid out the red and black bed covers and roses. With thorns. Ashelin likes danger.

Ashelin appeared in the doorway, I'd like to have said she was a corpse because I killed her several chapters ago and like to keep with some of my "plot," but not today. Apparently when Torn kisses fish they enjoy it so much they bring Ashelin to life.

She wore a negligee that revealed next to everything. It was actually a hotdog costume (like what those leaflet distributors wear) that Torn had cut a lot of holes in earlier. He was feeling his own enthusiasm just looking at her.

She swept into his arms and kissed him passionately. They began to make use of the bed, the rose thorns making them bleed in inconvenient places but they didn't care. This night was about them. Everything was perfect until...

The door burst open, 'Daxter are you sure this is the right place? The sign said "Do NOT Disturb."

'Of course this is the place my Tessie Poo, just look, an interactive display!'

'Where's the list? You didn't forget it did you?'

'No, I lost it. We needed some movies, I think one was "_Haven's Harem_" and uhh... "_David Attenborough: Ottsels in the wild_." We needed a jumbo _**(CENSORED)**_ and three _**(CENSORED) **_because we always break them.'

'Didn't we need some more _**(CENSORED) **_gel? And those cute little _**(CENSORED)**_ with the green handles on their _**(CENSORED). **_

Torn and Ashelin broke away from each other in confusion. It took a while for Torn to regain his composure enough to be angry, 'what the hell do you two think you're doing?'

'Oh don't mind us, we won't be long.' Daxter and Tess proceeded to dig under Torn's bed, finding various sexual objects that they were after for purchase and filling their shopping trolley (A/N: or shopping cart, for all you Americans.).

'Tess, I don't think they have "_Haven's Harem_" but they do have ...holy yakkow! That's Jak!' Tess, Honey, Time to pay and leave...

Tess opened Torn's beloved closet only to have Erol float out of it. Also, they found a lady behind a phallic shaped counter, 'welcome to Torn's Sex Boutique. Did you find everything OK?'

'Yeah, -'

'GET OUT!' Torn threw his underwear at the ottsels who quickly checked out and left. 'Good... now where were we?' Ashelin seemed to know exactly where they'd left off and they almost got further when another random outburst occurred.

'What's going on now and who the hell are you?' Torn demanded, for ILoveJak08 had inserted herself into a bit of a pickle. She carried a delicious cheesecake in her hands and was being hunted down by Kleiver and Krew.

'I'm ILoveJak08. Better known as the chick who's been causing chaos and randomness in the past few chapters.' She said, shaking both Torn and Ashelin's hands. DEA appeared with some hand cream and then disappeared again. (A/N: Well I couldn't have her walking around with cheesecake AND sex on her hands...)

Ashelin saw the sense in all this somehow and was mainly concerned by one thing, 'why do you have a cheesecake in your hands?'

'Well, I was coming out of the bakery with my cheesecake when these two hungry hippos saw me and started chasing me.'

Torn wasn't impressed with this explanation, 'Well that's very interesting but I'm going to have to ask you to leave-'

'GIVE ME THAT CHEESECAKE! I'M VERY HUNGRY! I HAVEN'T EATEN IN 10 MINUTES!' Krew was never very patient.

Kleiver was very patient but he isn't into sharing, 'hold up, you bloke! I saw the cheesecake first so it's mine!' The two began chasing ILoveJak08 around the room. Torn was very POed. 'OK you guys need to get-' ILoveJak08 jumped on the bed between he and his lover.

Kleiver, spying the cheesecake in her hands, still as delicious looking as ever, made a jump. He soared through the air in slow motion and landed on the luckless lovers.

Krew chased his runaway cheesecake bearer out the room, Kleiver close on his heels, the bed sheets tangled around his leg and Torn tangled in the bed sheets. He was dragged through the drool Krew was leaving in his wake.

They stampeded into the kitchen where they found ILoveJak08 to already be eating the cheesecake.

Krew panicked, 'don't you dare eat another bite!'

ILoveJak08 came up with a quick plan and went to the fridge where she found Narnia and a bucket of fried chicken. She took a bite and chucked the fried goods to the hippo men. They devoured the chicken while she made her escape, with her cheesecake safely tucked under her arm.

Torn carefully removed the sheets from his body while Kleiver was distracted, and moved through the house, coming across Jak and Keira.

They were dressed only in white button down dress shirts, underwear, sunglasses and socks. Tom Cruise comes to mind. The happy couple were singing and dancing to "Ego" by Beyonce of all things. They were so daft Torn didn't even bother asking what or why they were doing what they were doing.

ILoveJak08 pushed Keira out the way and took her place, dancing with Jak. Introductions ensured.

Ghost Erol, a pure and happy spirit, was outside, unbeknownst to them, taking recordings and photos of Jak as he sang and shook his tush.

He rushed to Ms Clark's Camera Shop to get the photos developed and blown up. He then rushed to the nearest internet cafe to upload the videos to YouTube. He then sat for a while with ILoveJak08, DEA and every Jak fan girl in the vicinity to enjoy them. When he returned home and put the blown up pictures in his shrine.

Back at his house, Torn was very upset, as you could imagine. 'You people are cra-' THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. The hippo boys had returned from the kitchen, covered in chicken grease and demanding as ever, 'CHEESECAKE NOW!'

ILoveJak08 threw Keira at them who was sucked into their gravitational pull and revolved 'round and 'round them. 'JAK! Help me!' But Jak was busy dancing and singing.

Torn's left eye began to twitch as he turned to return to his room and the saucy hotdog that awaited him there.

Then the situation got worse, Samos and Onin entered the room, Onin panting loudly and Samos cracking nuts with his butt. Onin could barely contain her lust.

'Hey everybody, if you need us we'll be in our room, "chanting." Very loudly.' The happy couple went into Torn's room/sex boutique and came back out shortly, carting a trolley full of naughty goods.

Torn turned the angry red of a man about to explode in a sinful shower of swear words and abuse (A/N: Ah, there's a poet in me...).

This shower was about to turn on full blast when Sig came in.

Torn deflated at the teary expression on Sig's face, 'what's the matter with you?'

Sig glared at him and went over to the fridge. The truth was that he had had a no good, very bad day. First Damas had taken his eye thingy because he thought it would suit him better, then two tourists wouldn't stop asking him the way to Disneyland, then once he had shaken them off Seem had stolen his peacemaker, under the belief that Sig is a witch and the peacemaker is his broom. Presently, Sig opened the fridge...

'WHO ATE MY CHICKEN?'

'Torn ate it!' chorused Kleiver and Krew and Torn was officially bitch slapped by Sig who then ran to his room. Torn ran to his own room, locking the door behind him.

What he saw when he turned around he was struck with complete horror. Ashelin was making out with Chris Redfield. Somewhere in a distant land, Sheva and Jill were very upset and jealous.

Torn was feeling similar emotions, he dropped to his knees, 'NO!'

**((LINE))**

Daxter and Pecker were in Spargus at this time.

'Help me, help me! A gay fish humped my eye!' Yelled Pecker.

Daxter looked at him strangely, 'you're molesting my ankle' he said indignantly.

Pecker smiled wryly, 'I know how to make your chin look like a rapist.'

Daxter looked at his body, 'oh my God! You turned my freckles into boobs!'

Pecker was having a similar dilemma, 'why am I holding a roll of toilet paper?'

'I showered at Niagara Falls!'

'Oh, I see... you're a gay snail!'

Daxter looked sullen suddenly, 'my friend's incestuous gay hamsters ate each other.'

He remembered all too well the look on Jak's face when he had discovered his hamsters devoured bodies; he had tried to replace them with Daxter and Tess.

Pecker was so turned on by all of this that he immediately jumped Daxter, they romped around the room for a while, before growing very big and romping over the entire city. This turned Samos and Onin off, finally.

**((LINE))**

**That last section was inspired by giantshroomhead0. The rest was pretty much ILoveJak08. Worship her. **

**Erol: (Worships)**

**Jak: (Worships)**

**To my anonymous reviewer, Kat: Yeah, I've seen what Daxter can do. I think the idea is cool but they just didn't do in a way that appeals to me. I look forward to your randomness!**

**Erol: As do I.**

**Jak: I'll decide when I see it.**

**Erol: In the meantime, I'm drawing Dark Jak.**

**Jak: (ahem) ...Why? **

**Erol: Don't you know that sinners have more fun?**

**Jak: Well yes, but being Dark gives me a headache...**

**Erol: Baby, I can take all that away.**

**Jak: I kind of like the way he's talking.**

**Don't give in to him Jak, he's been into my other fandoms, picking things up from random characters all over the place. **

**Jak: Oh right. And I like girls. Why is it so hard for me to get a little action in these things and Torn gets it whenever he likes?**

**Torn: Do not...**

**Jak: I forgot, you want it all the time. **

**Erol: You are always saying that he needs to get laid. **

**Jak: Well he does...**

**No argument there.**

**Jak: Any takers? **

**Erol: Yes, that's all we need, a bunch of Torn fan girls competing to get into Torn's miniscule pants.** **Alright then ladies (and gentleman, no prejudices here) tell us, what would you do to get into Torn's pants, or how would you do it? And no "I'd dress up like Ashelin" because that's what I'm doing. **

**The best entry gets a chapter dedicated to anything of their choice. **

**Jak: So be creative!**

**Erol: Anyone would think this is a cheap device to get reviews and ideas...**

**It is... but don't let that stop you! For any guy reviewers, tell me how you'd seduce Rayn. **


	37. In Which Keira is Ignored

**EDITED! And that's the last chapter, anything after this is officially a NEW chapter! You won't have to put up with "EDITED!" before every damn chapter.**

**((LINE))**

**Jak: Back so soon?**

**Erol: She just can't stay away!**

**Yeah, I'm sure that's it. I just had to write!**

**Jak: You know what I love? The way that although Erol in the games is intense and commanding and all the things I love in... well, no one.**

**Erol: Damn I thought I had him there.**

**Jak: He's sadistic; he's a little evil...**

**Get to the point, Cream Puff.**

**Erol: Yum.**

**Jak: On fan fiction he tends to either be exactly as he should be or a gay rapist or like this.**

**Erol: (wearing a tutu) how do you mean?**

**Jak: I mean that there are two personas that suit you and people will believe it; twisted or crazy. And you always seem to have an obsession for me.**

**Erol: (bowing to his Jak Shrine) I still don't see what you're getting at. **

**So I have yet another idea from ILoveJak08 concerning a robot with boobs which should entertain us all and, quite awesomely – **

**Erol: Paradise Eco (does an Erol dance)!**

**Jak: Oh great, the other one that keeps this thing with Erol and me alive...**

**(Smiles manically) I have no idea what you mean, my friend.**

**Jak: It might be going a bit too far to call me a friend.**

**Erol: Can it, Jak. They're wonderful. As are you.**

**Jak: Oh no! Save me DEA! (Hides behind DEA but he's bigger than I am)**

**When have I ever bothered to save you from Erol? He's a good boy.**

**Erol: A good boy who happens to love bad boys, **_**Jak**_**... **

**Jak: (Hides under the desk)**

**Didn't you first appear under my desk in these author's notes?**

**Jak: Yes, I was tied up.**

**Erol: Good times...**

**Yes, they were... but look! It's been years! I started this in either year eight or nine... and now I'm in year twelve and basically hate who I was back in year nine (where a lot of these chapters were written) but I dare not delete them because they are part of Insanity. **

**Erol: Ah, she's growing up...**

**Jak: Our little girl.**

**Buggar off.**

**Jak: (Ruffles DEA's hair) **

**(Wrestles Jak to the ground)**

**Erol: Jak Attack! (Pushes DEA off and attacks Jak with violent cuddles)**

**Well, now that those two are occupied, on with the chapter!**

**((LINE))**

**Statues; in Which Keira is Ignored**

Jak and Keira were in their Kras City garage; Keira was working on his vehicle and ranting incessantly about Jak's apparent lack of affection.

'You never pay attention to me, you never take me out any place nice and I'm starting to think that you don't love me anymore, Jak. You've even stopped appreciating the work I do on your vehicles.'

Jak wasn't listening though, he was thinking about his wheeled friends.

_I love my vehicles. My zoomers, my cars, my jet board. __So shiny. Only a car could truly understand me, I love to race, I love to feel the steal beneath me as I straddle a zoomer or sit in a car. That dream I had last night was the best – who knew a car could go that fast?_

'You're not even listening to me are you? Maybe Daddy was right, maybe I should just go find a nice flower and pollinate with it. I miss Erol, he always paid attention to me! Jak, I know you're a lot hotter than Erol but he had a way about him... and when he bent over... mmm. Now I know you're not listening to me! You've barely even looked at me. Or blinked! Why don't we go to that nice little cafe later? The one with the romantic lights and we can just talk –'

_I wish this car here had boobs. It would be sweet if it came to life and had boobs. _

At this moment Daxter decided to stroll in, 'Hey there big guy. I heard Keira yelling and I thought she might be mad at you and needed a fuzzy shoulder to cry on, hey – cool car. Can I drive? ACHOO!' Daxter sneezed all over Jak's precious vehicle.

'ARGH AHHHH! DAXTER I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!' Jak was in the process of turning purple (Dark Jak) when he caught sight of what was happening to his car.

Except she wasn't a car anymore.

She was tall and slender with curvy hips and best of all, boobs. O Glorious boobs! Boobs so real that you could poke them with spoons.

Despite the fact that she was a car not thirty seconds ago and was clearly a robot, Jak thought she was the most marvellous thing he had ever seen.

A golden glow emanated from her beauty, her shiny limbs were agile, her exhaust pipe was smoking, her boobs were round and delectable.

'Jak,' she said. 'You are my owner. We can ride wherever you like.'

Jak smiled ear to ear.

Daxter was astonished, 'how the hell did that happen...?'

Luckily, Samos walked in to explain this to them, 'well you see Daxter, ottsel snot has many magical properties. Bringing things to life just happens to be one of them.' He told them nonchalantly, as he gnawed on a chicken bone.

Jak was basking in the beauty of his robot. Mein Gott, she was beautiful.

'JAK! LOOK AT ME! I'M IN THE BLOODY NUDDY AND STILL YOU DON'T NOTICE ME! JAAAAAK! LOOK AT MY SEXY BODY! PAY ATTENTION TO ME, HEAR ME SPEAK, SEE ME RUB OIL ON MYSELF, TAKE ME OUT!' Keira was freaking out.

Samos threw his chicken bone at his naked and oily daughter before fleeing the scene to gouge out his eyes.

No one noticed Ghost Erol sitting inside the robot.

**((LINE))**

Torn was sitting nervously in is hideout, awaiting the chapter where a reviewer would get into his pants. He had taken them off to make sure this wouldn't happen. All his pants were under lock and key.

Our work seems to be done.

Suddenly Ghost Erol, Jak and a girl that Torn didn't know burst into the room, arguing about why it isn't OK to sell photos of Jak naked.

'Torn! We need your help, am I sexier than Jak and if I am doesn't that make it OK for me to take naked photos of him while he's on the toilet at two in the morning?' Erol asked.

'Obviously I am sexier, so no it is not!' Jak said

'...Who are you?' Torn asked the random.

'I'm Paradise Eco!' Paradise then proceeded to sit on Torn's maps and draw up comparisons between the sexiness of every male in the room.

'Damn reviewers always breaking into the story...' Torn grumbled.

'You know you love me,' she said.

Erol looked gleeful as he often does when people he loves are around.

Jak ripped open his shirt and got into a very sexy pose on the floor, smouldering.

Torn messed up his dreadlocks artfully, turned around, stuck out his bum and looked behind himself.

Erol stood and posed with his gun.

DEA suddenly appeared next to Paradise and they deliberated long into the night, tying to work out who was sexier.

The three posing idiots were very tired but dared not move for fear of being the least sexy.

They didn't even blink when they heard the sound of Keira outside, crashing a zoomer into the boobilicious robot, blowing it up.

No one noticed Razer making out wildly with a misshapen potato.

Brutter was completely ignored when he walked past wearing Praxis' wedding dress and yell out about how his toe infection was affecting his drama classes.

Finally, DEA came to a decision, 'there is no decision.'

'I think you're on to something.' Her companion concurred.

Then they grew wings and flew away.

Keira walked in.

'AND HERE YOU ARE, PLAYING STATUES WITH YOUR FRIENDS, WELL I'VE HAD IT! YOU WERE MEANT TO MEET ME FOR DRINKS BUT NOOOOO! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU THREE STANDING IN A LINE LIKE THIS. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? JAK COME ON! I HAVE A BOO BOO FROM WHEN I CRASHED INTO THE TIT MACHINE. KISS IT FUCKING BETTER!'

Of course, she was ignored.

**((LINE))**

**Jak: I feel so bad. Why am I ignoring the girl of my dreams?**

**Erol: Because I am standing next to you being sexy.**

**I'm sure that's it...**

**Jak: It doesn't make any sense! But can I have that robot?**

**Erol: I made one that looks like me. **

**So, Erol's competition still stands for anyone who's interested.**

**Erol: I'm getting soggy just thinking about it.**

**Jak: Err... uncomfortable.**

**I think I over used "sexy" this time 'round. Oh well...**

**Erol: Review guys, it keeps DEA very happy. **

**Jak: He isn't lying, she loves it. **

**Erol: I love you, Jak.**

**Jak: Get away from me...**

**Erol: JAK ATTACK! Reow!**

**I should be doing homework... I'll do it eventually.**

**Jak: Help me!**

**Erol: No, help me, He's getting away!**

**Don't worry, I have here a very big artichoke to help Jak and some mushrooms to help Erol.**

**Erol: o.O**

**Happy drawing!**


End file.
